Page 98 of The Dicktionary Club

‘Well, that’s all I wanted you to know,’ he said into the silence.

He turned back, heading towards the door.

‘Uggh, it felt special for me, too, OK?’ I said, finally allowing myself to look up.

He turned to face me, looking surprised. ‘It did?’

‘Yes! I don’t do that, you know I don’t!’ My cheeks were heating up again as I took in his tallness, his perfect skin. ‘I just feel uncomfortable with emotions and I don’t like to get carried away.’

Philip held his hands up. ‘Well, what the fuck are we doing?’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

He rubbed his face, looking frustrated, then his eyes locked with mine. ‘Why are you pushing me away before it’s even begun?’

I raised a shoulder. ‘I .?.?. I don’t know.’ I could feel my face damp with streaming tears.Jesus Christ, what the fuck was going on?I hadn’t cried in years, and all of a sudden being around this man I was Tiny fucking Tears, Glasgow Edition. ‘And also, I don’t know why I’m crying again. Fucking hell.’

Philip’s shoulders relaxed and his face softened as he watched me. He slowly approached me and held both my hands.

‘I think .?.?.’ I blubbed, then cleared my throat and tried again. ‘The problem is, if I am brutally honest, I think I do like you,’ I admitted. ‘But I’m so used to being alone, and this feels strange for me.’ I threw my hands up, trying to comprehend my own emotions. ‘I suppose I really don’t want to get hurt here.’

Philip smiled. ‘I understand, but I don’t want to hurt you.’

I bit my lip, feeling my insecurities about him rise to the surface. ‘I don’t know if I can trust you. I get this feeling you’re a massive player and that’s the kind of guy I avoid like the plague.You have the patter, the clothes and lots of beautiful women phone you all the time, right?’

‘Huh?’ He cast his mind back.

‘Amelia?’ I confirmed.

Philip let out a laugh. ‘Who you’ve met, she’s my personal assistant and happens to be my goddaughter, too?’

Shit.

‘Well, there was someone else too. When we were at Kelvingrove .?.?.’ I held my head, trying to remember.

‘Sienna?’ Philip questioned. ‘My sister.’

I felt my shoulders drop in defeat and embarrassment. ‘Right. OK. Sorry. But even the way you act. How you said you’ve been tested for STIs and .?.?.’

‘I have had sex before, but I’m not a player. I was being as honest as I could be with you, Ella.’

‘Look, I’m sorry. I find it hard to trust and .?.?.’

He leaned forward and hugged me tightly. I could hear his heart thumping as my ear pressed hard into his chest. It felt bizarre to be genuinely comforted by someone other than my friends. My panicked mind was slowing down, allowing him to hold me. It didn’t seem like he had an ulterior motive; he cared. Philip was warm and kind and, despite witnessing several of my absurd meltdowns already, he still seemed to want to be here. I felt like he was one of the very few people who knew me – the real me.

‘I think I do want to try,’ I whispered.

‘Pardon?’ Philip said; I could feel his voice resonate in his chest.

I glanced up at his face, both of us smirking a little. ‘I mean, I’d be willing to give this dating thing a shot. With you, I mean.’

He gave me the widest grin.

‘If you still want to?’ I added.

Philip rolled his eyes back briefly as if thinking, then burst outlaughing. He began kissing my face all over.

‘Oh, Pilates.’ He took my face in his hands. ‘Of course I fucking do!’

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