Page 21 of Faking Ties

“I’m pretending to be Stella Wilde while she recovers from surgery.” I speak so fast it sounds like one long word. Then, I proceed to tell her the whole story. Mom’s eyebrows rise higher and higher the more I talk. Even though I signed an NDA, I can’t lie to mymom. She’s the most trustworthy person I know, and I know she’ll easily keep my secret.

When I finish catching her up, she asks, “Honey, are you sure you’re doing the right thing here?”

“Why do you say that?”

“It doesn’t sound legal. Sure, there are contracts and everything, but if this comes out, you’re the one who’s going to suffer. Not Stella or her manager.”

“They said it was all okay,” I insist. “And it’ll be fine. I’m getting paid every day I act like Stella. I’m securing our future by doing this.”

“I wish you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know.” I hold her hands. “But Dad’s not here, and I don’t mind doing this for us.”

“Are you sure about this? Because you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. We can find another way.”

I look into Mom’s eyes, and I feel my resolve crumble with every second she gives me her mom stare. The one that saystell me everything and talk to me. I don’t know what kind of superpowers she has, but I find myself opening up, even if I don’t like unloading it all on her.

“I want to do this,” I say. “It’s exciting, but at the same time, I’m scared shitless that I won’t be able to cut it. I’m about to start some bootcamp to learn all the songs and dances and cues for the tour. Stella sings like forty songs a night, and I don’t know how I’ll be able to manage doing that multiple nights in a row without losing myvoice. I’ve also never tried to sing and dance for longer than one song. I’m totally going to be breathless and embarrass myself. And yeah, I like to run, but I feel like I won’t be able to keep up with the pace of the show. There’s also no time to build up my stamina, not when my first performance is in a couple weeks. And what if I make a mistake? Everyone will talk about it and make fun of me and oh my God what if I’m turned into a meme? But like in a bad way and not the funny way.”

I’m breathing heavily by the time I finish, and Mom pulls me into her arms and hugs me hard. It’s the type of hug that’s meant to ground me, soothe me, and hold my pieces together. The type where her strength makes all my worries lessen, just because she’s here, next to me.

“You’ve brought up a lot of valid concerns,” she says, kissing my forehead. “But out of all the people in the world, I know you can do this.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Easy. I love you and have faith in you.”

“Is it really so simple?”

“Why not?”

Why not indeed? Maybe I need to start believing in myself the way Mom and Nina believe in me.

“What do you want out of this?” Mom asks.

“Money,” I say quickly. Medical bills without insurance are a nightmare, and my student loan debt is growing instead of reducing because of the highinterest rate. I only went for a year, but that was enough to screw up my entire life.

“I understand, but I think you should have another goal with this entire thing besides money.”

“Like what?” I ask, confused.

“Like finding yourself and what you want out of life. I know the last few years have been a struggle, but this is your chance to not have to worry about any of that. Think about it—what do you want to do when this is all done and over with? Sure, you’ll have money, but then what? What do you want todowith the money?”

“I don’t know? I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“Maybe use this opportunity to find out?”

“Sure,” I agree just to placate her. I don’t know how to figure that out when I’m going from working all the time here to another job where I’ll have to do the same thing, but a thousand times more grueling. It’s not like I’ll have any downtime available to enjoy Stella’s life and figure my shit out. “Do you want to eat takeout and watchGrey’s Anatomybefore I have to leave?”

“That sounds perfect.”

We get through two episodes before Stella messages.

S: The contracts are all ready for Hunter and you to sign. It’s in your inbox.

Me: Okay, I’ll sign when I leave my mom’s.

S: Also, the first movie event is in two weeks in LA.

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