Page 34 of Faking Ties

I pace the dressing room, freaking out about what it all means, and the impending show, when my phone buzzes.

Rachel: Hunter will be in the VIP area tonight. You need to be seen with him after the show, to distract from the surgery tonight.

Me: A little warning would’ve been nice.

Rachel: I’m not here to coddle you.

If Stella wasn’t havingsurgery tonight, I’d think Rachel is doing all this shit on purpose, to throw me off my game. There’s a knock on the dressing room door before Kai comes inside and sets a large bouquet of flowers, all in pinks, purples, and whites on the table and a box. “From Hunter,” he says before immediately leaving without hearing my thank you.

I open the box, and inside are neatly packed, individually wrapped peanut butter oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips inside. I’d eat one now if I wasn’t confident I would throw it up. Which means I won’t be able to enjoy these until later.

Hunter makes it impossible to not think about him. From the messages he writes every day, to the surprises he constantly sends me. So far, it’s all been desserts and flowers. Even though what’s between us is fake, I’ve never had a man be so thoughtful towards me. Is this what it’s like to have a boyfriend? The attention is intoxicating, addictive. I shoot him a quick thank-you text before my phone buzzes in my hand.

S: Good luck tonight. I know you’re going to do amazing.

Me: I should be the one wishing you luck. I’m not the one about to go into surgery.

S: I’ll be fine. I’m so proud of you. You can do this.

Stella’s proud of me?Warmth spreads through my body at her message, at the sentiment. Even if I haven’t done anything yet to be proud of. I’ve spent the last few weeks getting to know her, and turns out, she’s a genuinely amazing person and someone I could be best friends with. Like on the level of Nina best friend. She’s taken over a lot of my training in the past weeks, and I’m so grateful for her help, for basically holding my hand through this transition.

And now’s my chance to make her proud.

I drag in a strangled breath as one of the dancers behind me drapes a huge piece of fabric over me for my grand entrance. But I’m suffocating under this thing, counting down the seconds until it lifts off me. The intro music starts, and I wait for my cue.

Anticipation hangs heavy in the air, its embrace stifling. The edges of my vision go blurry, and a wave of dizziness washes over me as I hold on to the microphone in a death grip. Oh hell no will I be passing out on my first performance. Rachel will fire me fasterthan she can say my name if I do that. But more importantly, I want to prove I can do this and make Stella proud. I bite the inside of my cheek, the pain a welcome distraction.

I’ve got one shot at this thing, and I refuse to fuck it up. I pray to every god, star, and heaven I can think of to get through this show. The music swells, and I squeeze my eyes shut. Right on cue, the fabric lifts and I sing the first words of the song.

I keep my chin down and make sure to step on the correct place to catch the rising platform on the stage. After singing the first two lines, I look out into the audience. Stella is known to be playful and fun on stage and I can’t keep my head down the entire performance.

I try to picture myself as Stella, to embrace this entire experience and lose myself in the routine that’s been drilled into me over the past weeks. But every time I try to do that, I catch a glimpse of Kai on the sidelines, or Hunter in the VIP area, or the sea of phone lights from the audience, and I can’t manage.

Halfway through the fourth song, I miss my first mark and almost fall off the stage. I laugh it off and pretend there’s an issue with my shoe. The fans cheer for me, as if telling me it’s okay. They even cheer when I mess up the lyrics to one of Stella’s most popular songs. I can’t help but die a little inside with every mistake I make.

I rush backstage to change into my next outfit andKai’s there, his face a blank mask. But I can tell he’s judging me.

“Any news?” I ask, referring to Stella’s surgery. The assistants backstage throw a long, purple dress over my head and they zip me into it. I have seconds to change before I need to be back on stage and at the piano.

“No,” Kai says, mouth in a flat line. He’s staring at his phone, as if willing it to update him on Stella’s condition.

“Why don’t you go to her?” I ask. “Take the plane?” I keep it vague, in case someone is listening in. Someone holds my hand as another person changes out my shoes. I need Kai gone, to not feel like I’m being weighed and measured during this thing. But most of all, he genuinely seems to care for Stella. She deserves to have people around her who care while she heals.

Kai’s eyes flash to mine, but he doesn’t say anything about my proposal as I’m pushed back toward the stage.

When I sit down at the piano for a slow song, it allows me a moment to catch my breath. This entire night has been a whirlwind, and I owe an apology to the fans for my performance. They’re paying a ton of money to be here and they’re not even getting a quality experience, not with my mistakes. I get now why Stella cares so much about her fans, and why she doesn’t want to let them down.

I need to do something to save the night. For them, for me, for Stella. So, I decide to be truthful, at least asmuch as I can be. Adjusting the microphone on the piano, I say, “Thank you, LA, for having me. I’m sorry for making some mistakes tonight, it’s just that I’m really nervous.” The fans cheer louder at my admission, and I continue, “There’s someone special in the audience tonight. I’m trying to impress him, and we all know how that’s going.” I huff out a self-deprecating laugh and the fans lose their ever-loving mind as they chant, “Hunter, Hunter, Hunter.”

“I’m going to slow things down and dedicate this one to Hunter.” I start the rendition of the song I sang on TikTok. The one that started this whole thing. It was Stella’s idea to add this to the set list and I’m so glad she suggested it. It’s the one song I’m a thousand percent confident with since I’m the one who made this version.

It’s a song about finding love after heartbreak, but Stella sings it in a hopeful way with a beat that makes people want to dance. She sings as if the new love she finds is something better. But the way I sing it? The minor key I’ve changed it to makes it sound like the new love is ominous and has the potential to be destructive. It’s the kind of love that could ruin you in the best or in the worst of ways. Where you’ll be pushed to new limits, challenged, and transformed.

It's the kind I desire, but I’m not even sure if I believe it exists. I tear up as I sing it, and I hope the fans feel the emotion I’m pouring into it and can accept this apology to them.

When I finish, the crowd is thunderous. I take it all in, wipe the tears from my eyes, and wave. After that, the next two songs go smoothly. I hit every mark and every note drilled into me. During my next outfit change, Kai asks, “Were you serious? About the plane?”

“Of course.” I beg the heavens that he takes me up on my offer.

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