Page 131 of Wicked Games

“Yes, I can. And I will.”

“Maybe, but at what cost?” He looks at the shard, then back at me. “I almost got all of you killed. Jace got shot because of me.”

“None of what happened is your fault.”

“It is! It wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t there, if someone wasn’t trying to kill me.” He lets out a bitter laugh that’s devoid of any humor. “Do you know what the worst part is? I thought I was safe. I stupidly thought that being away from school would mean I was safe from all that shit, but of course I wasn’t. It followed me, just like everything always does. I’ll never be safe.And you and the twins and Xave, none of you will be safe as long as I’m around.”

“Felix, babe, please,” I beg and hold out my hand. “Give that to me, and we’ll get through this.”

He glances at the shard and then back at me. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about this? How many times I’ve had to stop myself from just ending it all so I don’t have to deal with the constant pain and loss and all the other shit that just won’t let me go?”

My chest is so tight I can barely breathe. I had no idea he felt that way, and it both terrifies me and breaks my heart that he’s had to deal with those feelings alone all these years.

“I never did it,” he continues wearily. “But it would be so easy, and I’m so tired.” He lifts the shard and stares at the shiny surface under streaks of his blood. “So fucking tired of all of it.”

“Babe,” I croak, my body frozen with fear as he keeps staring at the shard like it holds the answers he’s been searching for. “Don’t do it. Please.”

“Why not?” He doesn’t look up from the shard. “Why should I keep fighting when I have nothing to fight for?” He finally meets my eyes, and two trails appear on his cheeks as his tears finally fall. “Why should I stay in a world that doesn’t want me? Why should I fight to keep living when being alive is killing me? I don’t want to die, but I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”

He’s getting agitated, and that terrifies me even more than seeing him completely broken. Agitation makes people do impulsive things, and I’m too far away to stop him if he tries to hurt himself.

“Babe, please listen to me,” I beg. “You don’t have to fight anymore. Not alone.”

He tilts his head to the side and narrows his eyes, like he’s trying to decide if I’m being truthful.

“You have me to fight for you. With you,” I add. “You don’t have to face any of this alone anymore.”

“But for how long?” he asks.

“Forever.”

He shakes his head. “You don’t mean that.”

“I do. I mean every word I’m saying to you.”

“No, you don’t. You just don’t want me to off myself in your bathroom.”

“I don’t want you to off yourself ever!” I burst out, my emotions getting the better of me. “What did you think I meant when I said you’re mine?”

He blinks at me, confusion chasing away some of his agitation.

“Do you think I just toss that around? Do you think I would have said that to you if I didn’t mean it?” I take a tiny step closer to him. “Have you ever known me to say something like that if I didn’t mean it?”

Slowly, he shakes his head, more of his anguish and agitation lifting.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but there’s something real between us,” I say in a rush. This probably isn’t the best time to have this conversation, but he needs to know that he’s not alone and he’ll never be alone again. “Do you feel it too?”

He swallows and nods, just once, but it’s enough to show me he’s still with me.

“So tell me again that I don’t mean it. Tell me I don’t care about you and I’ll abandon you like everyone else.” I take a step closer to him. “Tell me Idon’tlove you.”

It’s not how I would have chosen to tell him, but fuck it. Desperate times and all that.

His eyes go wide with shock, and he lets his hand fall back down to his side, the shard forgotten.

“Can you do that?” I take another step closer. “Can you tell me I don’t love you? Can you tell me you don’t feel it too?”

“It’s not real,” he whispers.

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