Page 29 of War Hope
"You're ridiculous." And with that he walks back out of his room and down the hall.
Ifollow him. "Fine. I'm going. Bye!" I wait,wavingmy hand towards him. Nothing. "Fuck my life. You are
hopeless," I say, opening the front door and leaving.
* * *
I’ve barelythrown my bag down in my apartment before I’m in the kitchen making coffee. I press start on the coffee machine before closing my eyes on a groan. My head is pounding like a marching band, and there's the slight after taste of shame and lost dignity on my tongue. I jump in the shower before Poppy gets here because god knows, I can't be tainting her child with my wild ways.
I do a quick rinse and hop out, drying myself off and grabbing clothes on my way to the kitchen for that fucking coffee. She knocks just as I'm tugging a tank top over my head.
I open the door and she pushes past, forcing me tostep back. "Sure. Come in." Jesus, my fucking head.
"Are you sure you don't mind having him?" Poppy asks.Oh god. The thought of dealing with that screaming ball of hell—joy. I mean joy. "Work asked metocover a shift and they're desperate."
"Uh-huh.Yep.Sure," I mumble. She starts talking, going on about bottles and other shit. I can barely focus over the pounding in my head.Finally,she hugs me and kisses my cheek.
"You're a star. Thank you so much!" She kisses Patrick, whose still in his pram, and then she leaves, closing the door behind her.
I glance at him on my way to the kitchen to make my coffee. He’s sucking on a pacifier and seems content enough. I don’t bother to add milk or sugar to my coffee. I just down it as though it were a giftfrom God himself, and it’s then, as I stare into the empty coffee cup that I finally realise the gravity of my situation. I tentatively glance inside the pram and Patrick is looking at me, his bright green eyes focusing on my face. He's still sucking on his pacifier, waving his little hands in the air. I take his bag off the back of the pram and rifle through it, looking for a note, some kind of instructions, anything. Shit.
Ileave himin his pram becauseif Ipickhim up, I guaranteehe'll shit himself.Something about my presence seems to encourage thatchild'sbowel movements.
I suck down another cup of coffee andemail mydad. And Patrick is now sleeping in his pram. No shit. No tears. I tidy upthe apartment, thinking maybe it’s all going to be okay and thenhe starts.The terrible screeching is like a firealarm goingoff whilst somebodyfiresa gun...at myface.Igo through everything I see Poppydo. I feedhim. I change him and he doesn't even piss on me. Isingto him even though I sound like a dying hyena, but he doesn’t stop. His face is all red and splotchy, big crocodile tears are forever running down his cheeks.After an hourofit,myhead iskillingme.Mynerves areshot to shit andI wonderif this ishowFinn feelsabout noise.I call Poppy's number three times and it goesstraightto voicemail.Why me? Of anyone she could have called, she called me, the most child inept person on the face of the earth.Shit.That's it…
I strip the pram down until it becomes a car seat and then I hoist the baby bag over my shoulder and carry Patrickdownto mycar.He screamsthe entire way toFinn'sapartment andby the timeI getthere,I'm ready to leavehimin aditchsomewhere.Okay, not really, but fuckme, he's awhinylittle thing.
I bang on Finn's door and am about to use my key when the door swings open to a shirtless Finn. One of his hands is braced against the door frame and coffee mug is clutched in the other.
"Hope," hesays,hisbrow wrinkling when heglancesatPatrick.Ilift thecar seat, using my kneeto hoist it higher.
"Takeit," I snap.Finn’s fingers wrap around the handle and heglances fromPatrick’ssquallingface to me.I shoulder past him and go straight to the kitchen in search of more coffee and an Aspirin.Hell, perhaps I should just getback on the wine at this point. I can neverhave a child.I'd be a raging alcoholic within days.I find the Aspirin on the counter, pour a cup of coffee, and swallow the pill.Leaning againstthekitchen counter,I rub over mytemples. And then I realise, the noise has stopped. Blissful silence reigns over Finn's apartment and I tentatively poke my head around the kitchendoor half expecting Finn to have taken the little hellion out. But no. Finn is on the sofa with Patrick clutched to his bare chest. A smile touches Finn's lips, and I'm not sure I've ever seen him smile like that. Patrick’s cheek is sweetly pressed to Finn's shoulder and he's sucking his pacifier rhythmically.
"You got him to stop," I say, lingering near the kitchen. I don’t want to move at this point because I’m afraid I’ll break whatever weird spell Finn has going on.
He looks up at me, placing his large hand over Patrick's tiny back. "He just wanted to be held." I glance at the floor, feelingembarrassed.
"I'm not good with children,” I say. “I don't know whatpossessedPoppy to leave him with me. I think she was desperate.”
"Ittakes practice,"hesays.Iwatch ashe liftsPatrickawayfromhis chest andsmiles at him.I've never beenone ofthose girls who'smad for a baby, butJesus, myovarymight havetwinged just now.
Finn’s bicepsbulge as heliftsPatrick into theair. Hesmiles athim and that smile transforms Finn's entire face.
"You're good with him," I say, grinning myself.“And so, I’m not leaving.”
“It’s fine,” he says.
Hours later and Patrick has yet to have another breakdown. Finn is the fairy-fucking-godmother in thissituation, and honestly, I've never seen him look as happy as he seems to be around Patrick.
Atfouro'clock, my phonerings. Relief washes over me when Poppy'sname flashes over the screen.I can barelylook after myself,letalone achild.
"Thankfuck,"I say whenI pick up thephone.
"What?Why? Where areyou?"she saysin a rush,paniclacing her voice."I'mat your apartmentand you aren't here."
"No shit.” Irollmyeyes.“I'm atFinn'swithPatrick." There's abeatofsilence."Want metobringhim toyou?"
"No, uh, I'll comegethim,"shesays.
Iglance atFinn,watchinghimrock Patrick."Yousure?"
"Yeah. Be there soon." She hangs up and I turn to Finn.
"Poppy's going to come and pick him up," I say. His face doesn't change, but I spot the slight tightening of his shoulders. "You okay?"
Henods,plasteringa smileon his face forPatrick."I'm fine,"hesays, nevertakinghiseyesoffthat baby.
"Okay."Iturnaway and go to the kitchen, leavinghim to it.He's calm,happy...so Ilethim havehis moment before Poppytakes Patrickhome.
