Page 31 of War Hope
16
Hope
Igostraight home after I leave Finn's. I debatestopping intoPoppy'sbecauseIfeel likeI needtotalk or someshit, but honestly, whatis there to talk about?Finnaskedmetoleave. That's it. But that'snotjustit.I have draggedhim all overthe place,forcedmyself into his life, slept in his bed for fuck's sake...and he has never asked me to leave. Not once. Until now.Why does it bother me so much?
Finn and I are friends. Nothing more. And even though he's a miserable fuck at the best of times, I feel this little fissure of rejection taking root and winding itself around me. I'm a confident person, but this feeling...I can't take it. It hits too close tohome. It hits on old wounds that should be long buried. Nobody likes being rejected, and trust me, I've had my fair share.
I go to the fridge and take out the bottle of wine I bought last week, pouring out a big glass.Isitandwatchsome shitty fucking action filmuntilI've drunk three quarters of the bottle. My doorbell rings andI frown, glancing at myphoneon the table.It's nearly eleven.Who the fuck is here at this time?Maybe it's Finn coming to apologise? No one else would come over here.
I get up, trot over to the door, and yank it open. I expect to see Finn, maybeKyan, but no. Standing in my doorway with a holdall over his shoulder is Silas. I stagger back a stepandmy heart poundsinmy chest. My stomach bottoms out and my legstrembleinstantly.Ihaven'tseen him inover ayear but he still affects me the same way as he used to. His eyes lock with mine, the clear, crystal blue, so bottomless I could drown in them. And I have many times. His black hair is swept back to revealtheperfect anglesof his face.Healways was beautiful just likethepoisonapple,sotempting.
"Silas." His name barely makes it past my lips.
Hiseyes drop to my lips as he steps inside, his hand immediately wrapping aroundthebackof my neckbefore he pushes me against thewall. I turnmy head to the sideand breathe hard.
"What are you doing?" I whisper.
"I miss you, baby."He inches closer and my heart goes haywire, thumping and pounding against my chest. His warm lip brushes mine and then he kisses me, his soft lips and distinct taste of cinnamon alltoofamiliar. My legs go weak for only a moment before I'm able to snap myself out of this fog. Placing my palms against hishardchest, I shove him away.
I squeeze my eyes shut, willing my heart to slow. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I try to force an edge in my voice, but I sound weak. I'm always fuckingweakwithhim.Ihate myselfright now.
"Idon't know whatI have to doto convince youI'msorry." Hestaresat meandtoomany memories flood my mind. I loved him. I did...but sometimes, no matter howmuch it hurts, you have toknowwhen toletgo. And I let him go.
Ithinkof him and Teagan and that cold rage returns in an instant. Two years disappear in the blink of an eye and I'm right back in that room with him ripping myheart out. "You fucked my sister, Silas." I grab the edge of the door, holding it open because heisleaving. "There are some things so shameless, sorry won't touch it." Imean,really?Sorry Istuck my dick in yoursister.Godit hurts, this deepachesqueezingmy heartlike afist.I don't need this today.
His chin drops tohischeston asigh and then he drags his handsthrough his hair."I fucked up. Hope," heglances up andsteps toward me,"you know I'mfucked up.Broken. I try to—"
"Stop. Having issues is not an excuse for being a fucking prize dick." I know he's broken, I always knew.
As a naïve sixteen-year-old I found thehotolderguyirresistible.I wanted tostickit to my daddyby having Silas stickit tome.I was so easily led.He mademe fallfor himand, as withallfirst loves, Ifell hard.I truly believe the heart never really recovers from that. Poppy never got over Brandon even when she was happily married to Connor. The heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart is like a sick junkie begging for a fix.
"Two years, baby...two years. Can't you forgive me?"Hetrails his fingers over mycheek andI haveto fightnot to fallintohis touch. Silas has always been like a firethat has nohope ofbeingput out completely."You know we were right for each other."
He steps closer and I back up until my shoulder blades are against the cool wall. I close my eyes and swallow heavily. I can feel the heat from his body. He's so close to me. His fingerssweepfrom my cheek to my throat, dancing along the top of my breast. My skin breaks out ingoosebumpsand I fight a shiver.Goddamn him.Hot breath washes over the side of my face and I turnmyface to thesidein an attempt to move my lips away from him. All it does is expose my neck. His warm lips press against the spot just below my ear and his tongue sweeps over the skin.
"Baby, please..."he murmurs against myear.
Images flash through my mind and I remember how good he used to make me feel. His hands glide over my waist and it's all so familiar, soothing in a twisted way. He makes it hard to push him away because before he broke me he was my everything and we were perfect. I thought we had a love to rival the greats. How quickly he tore down my childish dreams. Just like that, the torturous images of him fucking my bitch of a sister spring to mind. I can never forget it. Thatmemoryis like a bucket oficecold waterbeingthrown atme.
"Stop," I say, pushing against him, my nails digging into his stomach. His lips pause before he slowly pulls away, his eyes meeting mine. His dark brows pull together in a frown, his eyes searching mine.
Suddenly, he looks confused and it allows me a moment to gather myself."Don't lookso surprised,Silas.I got over youa long timeago. You need to leave."
Hishands drop from my body, but he doesn't step back."You'll never be over me, and I'll never be over you," he says.
I tilt my head backto look at him."Leave."
"Hope, Iflewall the way here to see you."
I roll my eyes. "So fly all the way back to whatever rock you crawled out from under."
His lips curl slightly at the corner, sinking that dimple into his five o' clock shadow. Whycouldn't hehave gotten fat and ugly? "Well I can't fly out right now and I have nowhere to stay."
"There's a great hotel around the corner. If you're lucky there might be anavailablehooker on the corner on your way over there."
He takes an exasperated breath."Hope...comeon.It'sgone eleven at night."
I cling tomybrash façadebecause he willnot fuckingdig theknifein anyfurther.I fold my arms over my chest."Exactly.Onlyone reason aguy comes calling at this time," I accuse. He stares at me for a few moments, his shoulders slightly hunched and his eyes pleading."Jesus,fuck.Fine.You can stay on the sofa.I'm goingto go and rigup a drip from this bottle of wineand face plant the wall repeatedly so, I'llbe hung over in themorning.Leave before I wakeup."
Turning, I walk away from him before he can say anything else. I snag my bottle of wine from the coffee table and go to my room. The second thedoorclosesIslidedownit, pull my kneesto my chest, and cry. Isitwith my back against the door,drinkingwinefrom the bottleas Icryover my ex-boyfriend whoI'm sopathetically weak for that I let him stayinmyapartment...afterhe fuckedmy sister.My life is such afucking shitshow,it's a joke.I'ma joke.Pity party for one,please. Fucking hell.
The worst thing aboutitall—even aftertwoyears,evenafterhehurtmeso fucking badly—I'm still inlovewith himand I hate myself for it.
