Page 88 of Whiskey Lullaby
As hard as it was for me to leave Daddy and Bo, I just couldn’t stay. Momma told me to live my life, but still, sometimes, when I looked out over the crystal blue waters and found myself smiling, I felt guilty, worried about whether they’re able to smiletoo.
Sighing, I took a few steps back and sat in the sand with my phone in hand. I typed in the first three letters of his name before “Noah Greyson” popped up in all its glory. I may have blocked him from my life, but still, I’d had enough moments of weakness and regret in the past that my smartphone knew what I wasdoing.
The first headline:Noah Greyson Pleads with Fans to Help Him Find His LostLove.
The phone dropped from my hand to the sand. My pulse hammered in my ears. It was as though, for the briefest of moments, the world stopped spinning. Like a moment in a movie where everything was freeze-framed. “You’re kidding me. Hislostlove?” Imumbled.
He walked away from me that day at my parents’ house. He never called or texted. We may as well have been strangers after that day. He didn’t loveme!
I’d spent the better half of a year trying to convince myself he didn’t care. Replaying and rehashing every moment we shared that I could remember. I just didn’t want to believe I could have been sogullible.
I closed my eyes. I remembered what he felt like against me, how his big hands felt on my waist. The tickle of the stubble on his face against my thighs. But…how many girls knew what those things felt like too?Dear friends.I wasn’t just a friend,butI wasn’t his lover, I was something in-between.
Before I knew it, I allowed all the emotions I kept under lock and key to surface. First came the hurt, followed by the anger. The regret. The wish that I had kept myself guarded. But above all, the thing that absolutely devastated me was that I couldn’t let him go. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what I told myself. I could dig up as many lies as I wanted. A hundred girls could tell me he said the exact same lines to them and it wouldn’t matter. There would always be a piece of me that held on to the belief that even if he’d told a hundred girls the same thing, he only meant them with me. I would never forget the bliss of having him inside me, that pull that existed between us. My heart bore scars from letting myself belong to someone I didn’t even know. But in my defense, for those few weeks, I believed he was myfate.
How could one person be so destructive without eventrying?
My Messenger rang, the bubble picture of Meg’s pageant queen smile popped up on the screen, and I swallowed back the emotions, focusing on the whitecaps rushing to the shore. “Hey!” I tried so hard to soundupbeat.
“Shit, you looked, didn’tyou?”
“I didn’t have to. I walked to the break room and a group of nurses had some video pulled up. They all stared at me like I had twoheads.”
“Damn. So… what did youthink?”
“I didn’t actually watch it, but one of the girls said he was looking forme.”
“Yep. Something like that.” The line fell silent. “You should watchit.”
“Nope! That ship has sailed.” I drew a line in the sand with mytoe.
“Watch it, Hannah. I’m not gonna lie, I cried, and you know how I feel about thefuckface.”
I rolled my eyes. “I just don’t get why, after all this time, he would pull some crap likethat.”
“Who knows, he’s a guy. They lack all sense oflogic.”
“I don’t know…” I leaned over and wrote his name in the sand before swiping my hand over it. I dredged up the hate I’d taught myself to harbor against him, because there are some people in life you must learn to hate simply because it hurts too much not to. “It’s probably some dumb PRstunt.”
“At your expense?” She laughed. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think he’s an asshole, but he’s notthatkind ofasshole.”
“We don’t even know whoheisanymore.”
“This is true…” Sheyawned.
“Go tobed.”
“You promise you’reokay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded even though she couldn’t seeme.
“I miss you, HannahBanana.”
I smiled. “I miss you,too.”
Somehow,I made it home without watching thatvideo.
I laid down on my bed without reading one article, but I couldn’t fall asleep. The time ticked by. One AM. TwoAM.
