Page 104 of The Beginning and End of Everything
Spots dot my vision, and the last thing I think about is Brandon before the pressure disappears. Dragging in lungful after lungful of air, I throw myself from the bed and stumble to the floor.
"Oh, God.”
Brandon is on his knees on the bed, staring at his hands. “I…” He thrusts both hands into his hair and doubles over, a broken cry leaving his lips. "Fuck!"
My legs are shaking, and when I try to stand, I collapse before I crawl across the floor and grab the jeans from earlier, pulling them on while I fight the tears. Fighting everything inside of me that tells me to run away from him.
"Poppy?"
I force myself to look at him. "I'm okay. I'm just going to…" Mort slinks out from underneath the bed, coiling around my leg. "It’s fine, Brandon. It was a dream.” I rub at my neck. “I’m okay,” I say before closing the door and stepping into the living room.
I grab the blanket and curl up on the sofa, silently breaking apart in the dark. I want to be strong for him like I always have, but everyone has their breaking point. And I’m terrified where mine will be.
60
Brandon
Poppy comes in before the sun rises. She gets dressed for work, then kisses me and leaves, like nothing ever happened. Like this is normal.
I nearly killed her.
She's the only good in my life, and what happens when I extinguish her?
That dream was so vivid, and it was Connor. Only Connor was the enemy, and I was choking him—choking her. I bite back the strangled sound slipping from my throat. I would never hurt them. They are the two people in this world I would never hurt, and yet, I did. I'm no longer livingwitha monster. Iamthe monster.
She’ll never let me go because she's Poppy, and she loves too hard. She’ll shred little bits of her soul if she thinks she's saving mine, but there is no saving me. It’s up to me to set us both free.
I rummage through the junk drawer, past spare keys and nail polish, and an old birthday card. My fingers brush the smooth glass of my pipe, and I grab it along with the little baggie rubber-banded to it, then I go to the couch and light up.
Mort perches on the arm of the couch, watching in silent judgment while I stroke his arched back. There’s a certain simplicity in lounging on the sofa with a smoke, and I need the calm to find my resolve, so I smoke until the afternoon sun creeps through the living room window. Then on a deep breath, I finally get up and take the pen and notepad from the kitchen.
I flip past the note Poppy wrote a few days ago when she went in early for her shift.
I love you, Brandon O’Kieffe. It’s always,alwaysbeen you. X
I swallow and turn the page over. The crisp, untouched paper stares back at me until I start writing, bleeding ink onto the page.
Possum,
I'm sorry.
I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, and as time has gone on, I've only fallen more in love with you. You are my world, and I know you love me, which is why you’ll forgive me for anything.
But, poss, some things shouldn't be forgiven.
I don't know how to walk away from you because I can't survive without you, and I’d sacrifice everything to keep you safe. I’ve been fighting this war for so long, and I just want it to stop. I just want that sense of peace I find when I kiss you, the serenity your touch brings… I live for those single moments. But you can't survive this thing that lives inside me, and I won't let it have you.
I love you. It’s always been you.Never forget that.
This isn’t goodbye, only see you later.
Brandon.
I inhale another drag off the pipe, allowing the smoke to burn my lungs. When I know Poppy will be on lunch, I call her, I just want to hear her voice before I let her go.
The phone rings once, then the line clicks. "Hey."
I swallow around the lump threatening to choke me. "Hey, possum."
