Page 28 of The Beginning and End of Everything
She invited me in to watch a movie. The whole time, I was on edge. My gaze kept darting to the doorway, waiting for her parents to storm in and kick me out. If I were going to do this, I needed to get it done before they came back.
I placed my hand, with a little too much force, on her thigh. That was the teenage code for “I want to have sex with you.” She faced me, and I swallowed hard, telling myself I just had to be a man and go for it. So, I kissed her.
One thing led to another, and before I knew it, Lisa was in nothing but her pink underwear, and I was scrambling for my lightsaber johnnie.
They say that losing your virginity should be meaningful, but I’m sure most people would recall it as nothing more than a fumble and a poke. The only reason I remembered losing mine was that all I could think of the entire time was Poppy.
With every brush of Lisa’s lips, each touch of her bare skin against mine, I imagined it was Poppy, pretending to have the girl that I never would. The girl I loved too much to ever dare try to touch like that. I felt guilty for fantasizing about her and guilty that the person I was losing it to wasn’t her.
I pictured the disappointment I would see on Poppy’s face when she found out I’d slept with Lisa—and she would find out. Because I’d tell her. Then she’d see what everyone else did, and she’d stop looking at me like I was someone worth saving.
My ma thought she could save my dad, and look where that got her.
When I stumbled out of Lisa’s house that night, I felt hollow. I didn’t know it then, but that empty feeling would stay with me.
13
Connor
The blue haze from the TV was the only light in Poppy’s living room.
I’d watched movies with Poppy countless times, but thanks to Brandon being at Lisa’s, this was the first time it was just the two of us. And God was I nervous. I wanted to reach over and hold her hand. Maybe kiss her, but I knew better, so I settled for having her snuggled close to me on the couch while we watchedTitanic.
Brandon never would watch that movie; he said it was the longest chick flick of all time. I didn’t mind, though, because Poppy liked it. And I would do anything to make her happy.
By the time the blond guy was dead and sinking to the bottom of the ocean, Poppy was balling. She buried her face in my shoulder, and I took the opportunity to put my arm around her. "It's okay,” I said. “It's just a movie."
"But …that ship really sank.” Her head popped up, and tear-filled eyes met mine. "People died on that ship."
“Well. Yeah.” I shifted uncomfortably in the seat. "But there wasn't a Jack and Rose."
"Maybe there was."
"Maybe."
The screen faded to black, plunging us into darkness while the end credits rolled. My heart banged out an uneven rhythm. She hadn’t pulled away from me yet, which meant my arm was still around her. It also meant I couldn’t concentrate on anything but whether she would push me away if I did try to kiss her.
For the past month, I’d practiced telling Poppy how much I cared about her, and it always sounded poetic, like Wadsworth or Hemingway, but sitting in this dark room with her body touching mine; the thought terrified me. Swallowing, I wet my lips. "I would have given up the door for you," I said, hoping she would read between those lines.
She pulled away and smiled through her tears. "You would?"
"Always."
Then she pressed a kiss to my cheek. I closed my eyes, savoring how soft her lips were. The gesture was completely innocent, but it felt like she had just offered me the world.
Our eyes met before my gaze drifted to her lips. I leaned in, and when she didn’t move back, I closed my eyes. This was it. I was going to kiss Poppy Turner. But when the living room door banged against the wall, we both jumped away from each other.
Brandon strutted in with a stupid grin on his face. "Behold." He spread his arms wide. "I am no longer a virgin!"
I could have punched him for ruining the moment I’d fantasized about for four years. Poppy hopped up with a huff and shoved past Brandon. She was upset, obviously at Brandon, but I wasn’t sure whether it was because he had ruined our moment, or because he’d had sex with Lisa.
Anyone with half a brain could see the way Poppy looked at Brandon—the same way I’m sure I looked at her most of the time— even though he never gave her the same attention. My chest went hot and tight, and I clenched my fist in my lap when I looked at him. Pots and pans banged around in the kitchen.
"Bran. Get out."
Brandon’s confused gaze slowly drifted between me and the kitchen. "Were you? Was that?" He pointed at me, then hiked a thumb over his shoulder toward the doorway.
"I don't know. You're the non-virgin now. You tell me."
