Page 46 of The Beginning and End of Everything
Larry is a Vietnam Vet, and at one time in his life, he was a boxer. Which, I guess, is why he owns the pub and the fight ring.
I stumbled in here one day, looking for some whiskey and a brawl. Just so happened, Kyan and Finn, two of Larry’s fighters, were both sitting at the bar that night. It didn't take much. One cross look andwham.I knocked Kyan's smartass right off the stool. Even with two of them, I still won. Instead of kicking me out or having me arrested, Larry welcomed me into the fold.
I yank a hoody over my head and stuff my fight gear back inside my bag. “I'm not here for a show, Larry. I'm here for the money." I toss my bag over my shoulder. Some days, I want a world of pain, but others, I just want to inflict it. He knows the drill—he’s repeated the same charade with countless other vets tormented by their own memories.
“Get your panties out of a wad, you miserable shit," he says. "You should go on out there and grab yourself a lady friend. Something. Every winner has to celebrate. And you won, boy."
No, I lost—a long time ago.
25
Poppy
Poppy,
I hate writing these letters. It’s depressing. But if you’re reading this, then it means I’m dead, and well, that sucks. Don't let them play shit music at the funeral, okay? I want to go out in a blaze of glory with all the Catholics looking positively scandalized.
This isn’t how it was supposed to go. We’re supposed to grow old together and annoy our kids because we won’t hurry up and die already. I’m destined to be the guy who farts at the family dinner but accidentally shits himself. But seriously…
Poppy, I have been in love with you since I was ten years old when you put gum in my hair before hacking a massive bald patch in my scalp with a pair of safety scissors. My ma went mad and shaved my whole head on pure principle. I looked like a right prick, but I was still like a love-sick puppy for you. You had me by the balls, and everyone knew it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you when I promised I never would. I can honestly say I have lived with no regrets, until now. Until I’m faced with the idea of leaving you. But you won’t be alone. Brandon will always watch out for you because he loves you almost as much as I do.
Look after each other, and make sure he doesn't drown at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Life can be shit, but it's also short, and it does go on. The sun will still rise in the east tomorrow and set in the west, so I ask nothing of you except this: Don’t die with me. Live. Be happy. Love again because you deserve to experience as much love as this life has to give. I only wish I could have been the one to give it to you.
You are my world, my heart. Whatever lies beyond this life, at least I can rest easy, knowing that all the best pieces of me are right here with you. If you just close your eyes, you’ll feel me. I love you in a way that transcends life and death.
This isn't goodbye, only see you later.
Love always,
Connor
I can’t breathe…I lean forward and rest my head on the steering wheel, fighting against the pain twisting my chest. I’ve read these words countless times, and each time, I break all over again.
Ten months later and it’s still hard to accept that Connor is never coming home, and Brandon…I glance at the dark-wood facing of the old London pub across the street and anger swallows my grief.
Brandon left Connor in that crumpled Foxhound. He ran off and left him.
Just like he’d left me…
My mobile dings with rapid-fire texts. Exhaling, I fold the letter and slip it back inside my purse, then grab my phone.
Hope: Where are you?
Hope: Poppy!
Hope: I just went by your house, and there's an eviction notice.
Hope: Call me back, or I'll have the MI5 after your arse!
Me: I’m fine. Don’t worry…
To say my life has fallen apart over the past ten months would be an understatement. Hope is one of the few people who knows just how far I’ve fallen, but if she knew I was here for Brandon… That’s a fight for another day.
I silence my phone and wait for the string of black taxis to sputter past, then I climb out of the rental and cross the street to The Dog and Bell Pub.
