Page 118 of No Saint
She was right. I had dated Nora to convince myself Jade wasn’t the one and only, and that had gone down like flies on shit. Nora was pretty, sweet—the kind of girl most any guy would love to date, but it did nothing for me besides prove just how right Jade was for me and how wrong any other girl would be.
“And that pitiful look on your face tells me I’m right. Seemed to me like you two were something again—the way you looked at her. The way she looked at you.”
“Yeah. We were, but…” I screwed it up. “I think it was a mistake.” The pain in my chest had convinced me of that. Maybe I should have taken more time, gone on a few dates, and kept some distance instead of jumping right back in with both damn feet.
She shook her head, and her voice took on a sympathetic tone. “Love ain’t ever a mistake. You’re just scared, and you best get your butt unscared in a jiffy. Else you’re gonna end up like me. Living alone and regretting. And regret is a real pain in the rear.” She shoved the tiles back to the middle of the table, then laid down a set. Looked like we were playing again. “When I was twenty, I met Otis. Handsome fella. Funny. The light of my life. We spent over a year together. Talking ‘bout marriage anda family. Then he got accepted into some fancy university out in California, and I got mad. Thought I should’ve been enough to keep him here, in Pikestown. Selfish of me, but I was young. And you youngins tend to be stupid half the time.”
I managed to get a sequence of tiles together and place them on the table. “What happened?”
“Well, he moved. I stayed here, all hurt. Of course, he wrote. Even came to visit, begged me to come out there. Said it was pretty. All sunshiney and palm trees.”
I wouldn’t have needed sunshine and palm trees to move to the other side of theworld. Jade would have been enough. “If you loved him, why didn’t you go?”
“‘Cause I was scared. Scared of moving and leaving the only life I’d known behind. Scared that I loved him more than he loved me—you know, ‘cause he’d picked—well, I thought he’d picked California over me. Mostly scared that I’d mosey on over there just to be left.”
She shook her head.
“Eventually, I guess he figured I didn’t care enough about him, and he went on with his life. Took me too long to figure out that I was really the one who had left. ‘Cause I was stubborn and let my own hurt feelings get my head in a tizzy.” She folded her arms over the table and leaned in. “And I tell you what, I have regretted it every day of my life. Because real love—and I don’t mean that shallow kind of love that makes you all hot and bothered, I mean the kind that fills your soul with peace, that you breathe your next breath for—that kind of love ain’t nothing to sneeze at.
“Most people won’t find it once in their life, sure as hellfire not twice. And when you lose that, you don’t ever get over it. It’s why I stayed alone. Trying to give myself to another man would have been a lie. Wouldn’t have been fair to whatever Blow Joe I settled for because I never would have loved someone the wayI did my Otis.” She placed one tile next to mine. “So, whatever dumb stuff is goin’ on in that head of yours, snuff it out.”
That was what I’d been trying to do for days.
After three games of Rummikub—all of which Mrs. Seaton won—she sent Dog and me off with a Tupperware container of snickerdoodles.
When I pulled onto my road, I noticed Jade’s Jeep parked across the street. A sliver of hope sprang in my chest when I pulled into the drive. Maybe she wanted to talk, or maybe she wanted to chew me out. By the time I got out of the truck, she’d crossed the street. Dog shot off toward her, gave her a few licks, then took a lap around the yard.
“Hey,” I said, walking toward her.
“You sent my mom six grand?”
I had, but something about admitting it seemed selfish, or maybe I was afraid it could have come off as manipulative, given the circumstances. And that was the last thing I wanted her to think I was trying to be. “The penguin charity did…”
“No.Youdid,” she said softly, tears building in her eyes. “She’s not a penguin.Whywould you do that, Wolf? That’s…” She shook her head. “It’s six.Thousand. Dollars.”
“I told you I was going to help you… And I wanted to do it for your dad because?—”
She grabbed my face and kissed me, and fuck me, did that feel good. So, definitely not chewing me out…
When she broke the kiss and pulled back, I grabbed her waist, not ready to let her go. “So, does this mean I don’t have to beg for you back?”
“You were going to beg?”
“Lost you once. Can’t really handle losing you twice.”
“I can’t handle pushing you away twice.” Her gaze dropped to the concrete for a second before meeting mine again. “I’m sorry I had that stupid penguin. I think, maybe…” She fiddled with the sleeve of my shirt. “I needed to feel like I had some control. But I promise you, I never would have used it. Even when I ‘hated you,’ I couldn’t have.”
Deep down, I’d known that. “It was stupid of me to kick you out. I just…” I swallowed because what I was about to admit was a lot. For me, at least. “The way I love you scares the shit out of me.”
“Me too. But I don’t think I can live without it. Without you.” An uncertain smile pulled at her lips. “I’ll beg if I have to.”
“Oh, I’ll make you beg. Just not here.” With that, I picked her up and tossed her over my shoulder. She laughed as I carried her across the yard and up the porch, Dog beating us to the door.
“You know, my legs work.”
“They won’t in a few minutes.”
“Oh, my God.”
