Page 36 of Seven Exes

Alex is the one to finally break the interminable nothingness.

‘Jesus, it kind of hurts to look at you.’ She smiles through the painful words and I frown, looking down at the wooden table between us.

‘Because of… because of the way things ended, or because of the friendship we lost?’

‘Oh,’ she laughs softly. ‘Maybe a tiny bit of the first, but mostly the second.’

‘I’m really, really, fucking sorry,’ I whisper and we fall back into silence.

More silence follows.

I cough lightly, turning towards the large pond. ‘It’s nice, isn’t it?’ I say lamely, even though it’s not. It’s a mess of algae, gnats and weird smells. She nods, staring off into the distance.

A duck quacks and a few others join her.

‘Sweet!’ Alex comments at long last in a strangled voice. ‘Ducks are cool.’

It’s been about seven years since I last saw her in person, and her Australian accent is still as strong as ever.

We continue to stare desperately and awkwardly at the pond. A male duck begins to swim beside a female, like they are courting. It is almost romantic.

That is, until he forcibly mounts her. The girl duck tries to pull away, desperate to escape, but it’s utterly futile. She goes under the water, trying to shake him off, duck-screaming for help. It is the most awful thing and god save us the noise is horrifying. It is loud and brutal and too much.

Alex and I look at each other.

She opens her mouth and says in a very solemn voice, ‘Nature is healing.’

We start laughing and don’t stop for a full two minutes, even as the sound of animal screams continues to fill the air around us.

‘That poor creature,’ she says through watery eyes. ‘Should we do something?’

‘I mean, I’m not sure what we can do?’ I snigger. ‘I could shoutDUCK RAPEuntil someone comes to help?’

‘Oh but’ – Alex looks thoughtful – ‘you’re not supposed to shout rape if you’re being raped, though, are you? You’re supposed to shoutfirebecause people don’t care that much about women being brutalized.’

‘That’s true,’ I add. ‘And they’d only point out that the duck wasn’t wearing a long enough skirt, so she must’ve wanted it.’

‘And that she smiled at the boy duck a week ago,’ Alex nods. ‘Led him on.’

‘DUCK FIRE,’ I yell across the garden and a few curious heads turn in our direction.

‘It’s not funny,’ she protests but starts cracking up again. ‘Mother Nature is an absolute bastard, isn’t she?’

‘Bloody hell, it’s a good job this wasn’t meant to be some romantic date, isn’t it!’ I burst out laughing, and then stop, realizing what a stupid thing it was to say.

‘It’s OK,’ she says smiling after a second. ‘I never thought you were asking to meet up so you could make some kind of love confession after all this time. And if I had any doubts at all, I knew for sure it wasn’t a date when you suggested The Swab. I can’t believe you and Lou still come here. It was bad enough when I lived with you guys, but it’s actually somehow worse now.’

I laugh heartily as a hurt Franco slinks by, collecting glasses. ‘Our flatmate Bibi actually works here these days.’ I feel strange talking about Bibi – the person we found to fillAlex’s space in the flat after she left. No wonder Bibi is so weird about Alex. ‘I think she’s actively working to make it a worse pub.’

‘She sounds fun,’ Alex smiles warmly, no hint of awkwardness. She pulls out some gum, offering me a piece, and I shake my head. She looks down for a moment, as if gathering herself. ‘Hey, Esther, I’m really sorry.’

I sit up straighter. ‘You’resorry?! No, I’m the sorry one, Alex. Really.’

She sighs. ‘Honestly, I don’t think you have to be.’ She looks up now with big, familiar blue eyes. ‘I knew what we were doing but I convinced myself there was more to it. It was all just hurt ego and a bruised heart. Then, once that had faded, I was too embarrassed to get in touch. The thought of “unblocking” you and reaching out felt so horrible and humiliating. I couldn’t face it, my pride wouldn’t let me.’ She bites her lip. ‘I acted like a child, throwing all my toys not just out of the pram butat youas much as possible.’

‘I understood.’ I hang my head, not quite willing to let go of my guilt in all this. ‘And I was in the wrong. I should’ve valued our friendship too much to let sex get in the way. I never should’ve risked it. You were too important.’

She nods. ‘I’m so sad we had to stop being friends. And I’m so sorry I rejected all your attempts at making up. I would like to make up now, if it’s not too late?’

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