Page 52 of Seven Exes

‘He does that. I think most of his jokes are stolen fromSeinfeld.’

We fall into companionable silence: filling, emptying, vaguely enjoying the sloshing noise as we up-end the vase into the bath. There’s something kind of satisfying – something cathartic – about the process.

‘This vase was a good idea,’ Lou comments lightly. ‘Much better than using a cup.’

I narrow my eyes at her. ‘What cup were you using?’ She looks guilty for a minute.

‘Oh, er, definitely not yours.’ She doesn’t meet my gaze. ‘Just one of Sven’s old mugs, I swear.’

‘Hmm.’ I eyeball her too hard, missing the bath and emptying most of the toilet water on my own feet. Serves me right.

EX 6: WILL AKUFFOAKA The OverlapPART THREE

Will’s house

His uncomfortable bed

12.47am

‘That was great!’ I smile over at Will, slightly breathless. ‘Really great!’

Across the bed, he grins back. ‘It really was! You’re amazing! I’m so glad you’re here.’ He reaches over to kiss me on the cheek. It’s tender and sweet, and it makes my heart ache. But not for him, for Idris.

But that will fade, I know it will. I’ve done the right thing. Breaking up with Idris was theright thing. We had a good time, a decent innings, as they say. Three years is a long time to be with someone! And I’m only twenty-seven;it’s too young to be talking marriage and babies and all that forever stuff.

Plus, being with Will, it’s worth all this drama. We have a real connection – something special. I definitely like him. A lot! Definitely.

He runs his forefinger along my collar bone and down, landing the tip on my nipple.

‘Boop!’ he says, flicking it lightly.

I wince. ‘Please don’t do that,’ I whisper, wishing I could cover up my nakedness, but not wanting to seem shy.

‘Sorry,’ he says awkwardly. ‘My ex liked it.’

I smile quickly to make up for any irritation in my voice. ‘They’re just a bit sensitive.’ I pause. ‘Because of the great sex we just had.’

He nods, self-satisfied, and I breathe out, relieved.

I mean, I probably won’t have to fake it for long! Everyone has to fake it at the beginning anyway, don’t they? It takes time, y’know, to get used to each other’s bodies and quirks. And to having your nipple flicked for some reason. No way did his ex actually like that.

He rolls over, looking up at me. His used-up little penis flops onto his thigh and I try not to look.

OK, so being with Will has been… an adjustment. But adjusting doesn’t have to be a bad thing! Life is all about change. He’s not Idris, that’s all. He has a different face and a different body and a different penis. I will get used to it – tohim– and I will grow to love it. I mean him.

We’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks now.A few weeks since I broke up with Idris and went running into Will’s arms. And so far it’s all… fine! He’s really nice, and very considerate. It’s fine. It’s good. Actually, it’s great!

Will switches on the telly and a late-night repeat ofEverybody Loves Raymondcomes on. Yuck.

I snuggle into him, feeling and enjoying his warmth. He circles an arm around me and I breathe him in.

See, this is all definitely, definitely,definitelyworth it.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

‘Do you think I’ – puff puff puff – ‘look like the type of person who would kidnap your child?’

‘I don’t have a child,’ Bibi observes, barely breathing harder than usual.

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