Page 56 of Seven Exes

‘Really?’ Bibi looks at me askance and I nod confidently.

‘Really.’

EX 5: IDRIS ABARAAKA The Serious OnePART ONE

St Albans Crematorium

Sixth row of the chapel

1.55pm

‘What about this one?’ I stage-whisper.

Lou squints, trying to see his face in the small blurry photo. ‘Has he only got one picture? It’s not very clear.’

I take the phone back and swipe. ‘Only that one,’ I confirm and she makes a face.

‘Nah, sack him off. You can’t trust only one picture.’

‘Agreed.’ I send his profile to the no pile. ‘What about this guy? He has a few options and looks relatively normal.’

‘So did Ted Bundy,’ Bibi says too loudly, the other side of me.

‘SHUSSSSSSHHHHH,’ someone a few rows back hisses.

Lou takes my phone again to look closer. ‘Oh, I think I dated him.’ She flicks through the rest of the shots, nodding. ‘Yep, definitely. He was a funny one. Brought Wotsits along on the date and sat there, crunching away and stinking of cheese.’ She leans closer. ‘Not just one little packet either. A full-on multi-pack of twelve, and he didn’t even offer me one.’

‘That is so rude!’ Bibi declares too loudly again as the shusher gives us another spitty telling off.

‘OK, he’s a no then,’ I sigh and retrieve my phone from Lou. ‘Ooh, this one? He sounds very together.’ I show them both a shot of a guy in his university graduate gown.

‘Believe me,’ Bibi rolls her eyes, ‘finishing uni does not mean you have it together.’

‘Butyoudo!’ I protest. ‘You’ve got your awesome, cool marketing job and it’s all going so well. You love it, don’t you?’

‘I do love it,’ she says carefully. ‘But I don’t think the company is doing that well. They keep threatening redundancies – it doesn’t make you feel very secure.’

‘They wouldn’t get rid of you!’ Lou whispers, outraged. ‘You’re brilliant.’

‘No one is indispensable,’ Bibi says ominously, taking my phone. ‘And this guy looks like a doofus. All he’s put in his bio is that he’s got two degrees and is studying for another. How tedious is that?’

‘I think someonetooclever might be a bit intimidating,’ Lou adds anxiously.

Quite right. Bub-bye.

‘What about this guy?’ Lou is examining the phone over my shoulder. ‘He’s very handsome, and sounds nice enough. Plus, I haven’t dated him!’ She looks a bit put out for a minute. ‘In fact, hey! Why hasn’t he come up on my Tinder?’

‘Yeahhhh.’ I regard the picture lighting up my screen. ‘I’ve seen him on my Hinge, my Bumble, on Match.com, on eHarmony, on Guardian Soulmates and now on Tinder. He seems nice but maybe… I dunno, a bit basic? I know he’s really handsome, but I’m not sure I actually fancy him, y’know?’

‘Pleeeeeease be quiet!’ the person behind us hisses again and Lou and I glance guiltily at each other. I put my phone away, while Bibi sighs aggressively.

We’re here at my Great-Uncle Merton’s funeral and I know we’re being unbelievable dicks, but there’s, like, six people here – including the vicar. My mum and dad are in front of us, and have been chatting to Great-Uncle Merton’s next-door neighbour aboutBake Offthroughout the whole thing. The only other people here are carers from his home. Personally, I only met the guy once, when I was a teenager, and he called me ‘Sonny’ the whole time.

We are quiet for another few minutes, listening to the vicar talk about the years Merton spent living in Wales (where – from what Mum says – he used to shout at Welsh people the whole time, for daring to speak – you guessed it – Welsh). Oops, now the vicar is calling him Michael. That must be his next gig.

‘I think you should give that guy a chance.’ Louise leansclose, this time properly whispering. ‘I mean, you never know and he seems like a decent choice. I know he’s not your usual type, but your usual type hasn’t exactly been working out.’ She looks a bit bashful. ‘Sorry to say that. I just mean – god! – we’re getting on now. We’ll both betwenty-fivesoon. We have to settle down if we want to get married at twenty-seven and have kids by thirty. Right? Our priorities have changed, haven’t they? We shouldn’t be messing about with dickheads anymore.’

‘SHUSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!’

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