Page 82 of Seven Exes

Rich pulls away after a moment.

‘Of course, I’m not here to try to win you back or anything!’ He laughs a tiny bit too enthusiastically and my heart sinks. ‘ObviouslyI’m in absolutely no state at all to be starting – or restarting – any relationships,’ he titters again. ‘Even if there were anything still between us – which there isn’t, right’ – he doesn’t wait for me to answer – ‘it wouldn’t be a good time. Love and lust were distraction tools for me, for a long time. A coping mechanism. Until they stopped working.’ He pauses. ‘My therapist says I won’t be ready for a really healthy, loving relationship for a loooong time.’ He looks enormously cheerful as he says this. ‘Probably years!’ he grins, before pattingthe back of my hand playfully. ’I’ve got to figure out how to be nice to myself before I can be nice to someone else. At this rate, I’ll probably be single forever!’ he laughs.

Oh right. Yeah, fair enough. Makes sense.

But for fuck’s sake, seriously. So much for my destiny theories.

He sits back in his chair looking contemplative. ‘Anyway, Esther, I hope you know you truly deserve more than a man who’s only ever treated you like a bastard.’

I nod slowly. ‘I’m getting there,’ I say quietly.

He smiles. ‘Enough about me and my stuff! Talk to me, Esther. It’s so lovely to see you looking so well and happy.’

Well and happy! What a load of horse turd. I’ve never been less well or happy in my entire life.

‘Yeah!’ I swallow down the lump forming in my throat. ‘Um, yeah, it’s all… good.’

He examines my face silently for a moment, and when he next speaks it’s in a kind voice. One I’ve never heard from Rich before. ‘Esther, really, are you OK? What made you get in touch after all these months?’

I stare down at the table unable to speak, but he lets it hang, knowing I’ll get there if he gives me the space.

‘I don’t know,’ I say at last, my voice a little trembly. ‘Things have just been a bit weird lately.’ I hesitate. ‘No, not weird,crappy.’ I meet his eyes and he’s nodding ever so slightly, encouraging me to continue. ‘I’ve had a, er’ – I take a deep breath – ‘quite a big fight with a couple of my best friends. I don’t know how to get past it.’

He takes a second before he responds. ‘I’m really sorry.’ He sounds it. ‘I know how much your friends mean to you. Is this Lou? Bibi?’

I shake my head, slightly in wonder that he remembered my flatmates’ names. He seemed so disinterested in me and my life while we were together. But I know why now. ‘Bibi mainly, yes. And a friend called Alex.’ I add quickly, ‘You never met Alex, but we were best friends at school.’

He nods patiently and all of a sudden I urgently need to tell him everything. Not because he’s Rich, and not even because he’s a person I once loved. But just because I can’t keep it inside anymore. I need to talk to someone. Someone outside of this whole fucking nonsense. I need some perspective and some kindness from a stranger. And Rich is basically a stranger to me. I never metthisRich before.

Huh, I guess this is why everyone loves therapy so much?

And so I tell him everything. I tell him how life was good – how I loved my work and my friends and my life. But how something was missing. I tell him about my Seven Exes Mission and how he’s the last of the trips down memory lane. And how good and bad and miserable and brilliant the whole thing has been. I tell him how cathartic and harrowing some parts were, and I tell him how many things I’ve worked through. I explain how I’ve revisited my old self and forgiven myself a whole lot and given myself a slap and a laugh. And how it resulted in this huge, horrible betrayal from Bibi and Alex. A betrayal I don’t know how to come back from, even though I missthem both so fucking much I want to cry every minute of every day.

And it helps.

Rich issonice. He’s kind and non-judgemental. He asks me follow-up questions in a non-pushy way that helps me see things a little more clearly, but he doesn’t tell me what I should do or think.

He smiles a big catlike grin when I’m finished. ‘So the big question is: has the mission been a success? I know you’ve learned a lot about yourself and all that, but what about love? Have any of your exes been more or greater than you expected? Is there hope for a soulmate out of all this?’

I inhale slowly. Because I’ve been thinking a lot about this question in the last week or so. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, ignoring my friends, pushing others away, trying to force something with Paul or Will – even trying desperately to feel something with Rich tonight when I could see very clearly that he wouldn’t be ready for anything like a relationship for a long time – throughout all of it, there has still been that one person.

‘Maybe.’ I give him my own coy smile.

‘Well,’ he laughs happily, ‘I hope you do find love, if it’s what you want.’ He stands up and engulfs me in a big bear hug. When he lets go, he gives me a long comforting look. ‘You deserve to be happy,’ he says. ‘You’re a good person, Esther, don’t ever feel like you’re not. We all make mistakes, and sometimes we’re bastards.’ He coughs lightly, acknowledging his own bastardy era. ‘But it doesn’t necessarily meanwearebastards. It’s too easy to lose yourself and take your stuff out on other people. But everyone’s going through their own thing, or coming from some kind of darkness, and we’re all just trying to do our best in a tough world.’

I nod and he gives me another hug – this time a goodbye. ‘Remember, we all make mistakes,’ he tells me in my ear. ‘Your friends make mistakes, you do – we’re all at it. It’s part of being human, and it definitely doesn’t have to mean an end. There’s always more to the story.’

He kisses me lightly on the cheek and smiles as he turns to leave.

I watch him go, feeling all kinds of emotions and affection for our ups and downs. Hmmm. Nowthatis a guy who will make someone happy one day. And I am delighted to realize I don’t want that person to be me. We’ve been through so much, and I’m really glad Rich is doing better, but he’s right, I deserve much more than to wait for someone who only ever treated me badly. I do want to find a partner one day, but it’s better to be on my own – surrounded by friends – than to be with someone who takes anything away from my happiness.

On a whim, I pull out my phone to text someone who has always been kind to me, throughout all of it. Even whenIwasn’t being especially kind.

Alistair Morris (schoo)

I’m so glad we’ve become friends xx

10.22pm

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