Page 14 of Date with Destiny

‘Espresso,’ Sonali corrects him primly – she’s the one we all cheated off at uni – and he takes it as an assent.

‘Expresso coming right up!’ He beams and turns away towards the bar, his friend slapping him on the back in that sad faux-alpha way.

‘No! Er, sorry!’ I shout after him. ‘Sonali was… no, thank you! I have a fiancé! I can’t have a drink!’ But the noise of the crowd is too loud. I turn with terror to the group who share an odd look. ‘I have to stop him buying the drink,’ I say, stricken. ‘I can’t… I don’t… what if Daniel…’

And with that, the truth hits me like a ton of bricks. Metaphorically, but also not: it literally feels like a huge pile of stone lands heavily on top of me all at once. And then those bricks keep coming; hitting me on the head, landing on my back, collapsing my chest. I can’t breathe.

‘Oh my god, I’m single,’ I hear myself saying as if from down a long tunnel. ‘Daniel’s really gone, hasn’t he?’ I look for help between Toni, Sonali and Myfanwy but their facesare blurry. The weight of the bricks is crushing me and I fight for breath.

How have I been such an idiot? How have I been lying to myself so easily for all these weeks? He moved out. He cancelled our wedding. We’ve lost thousands of pounds – most of that my mother’s money, though she hasn’t said a word about it. I’ve heard almost nothing from him in all that time. He’s ignored all my messages and calls, while I pretended that wasnormalandfine! This is not just some whim of his or some need for breathing space; he’s broken up with me. He’s ended things. After five years of love and friendship, it’s truly over. He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore, let alone my husband. He doesn’t want anything, except for me to leave him alone.

‘Why haven’t you got any ice cream?’ I wail at Toni and Myfanwy’s stricken faces. ‘Don’t you know I’ve beendumped? Where is the ice cream? And the booze?Expresso martinis? That’s not break-up alcohol, I need tequila! Or wine at the very least!’

I vaguely catch Sonali murmuring, ‘Espresso martinis,’ because she can’t let anything like that go, and I burst into full-on weeping. My friends encircle me, as people in the crowd around us turn to watch.

How have I been so blind? It was so clear; so undeniable. He left me weeks before our wedding without a word. Without a proper explanation, without discussion, with barely a text explanation.

It feels cruel. It feelsmean. But that doesn’t fit with theDaniel I know, the man I was so close to for so long. The partner I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

Maybe that’s how I’ve been able to stay so long in denial, because none of it makes any sense. This person is not the person I knew.

‘Shall we take you home?’ Myfanwy whispers, her head touching mine.

‘No,’ I sob. ‘I don’t care if everyone sees me crying. Who cares what any of them think? I’m such an idiot. I’msuchan idiot. Why didn’t you tell me Daniel had dumped me?’

‘We tried to…’ Toni points out and I nod, tears still blurring my vision.

‘I know you did,’ I sigh. ‘I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’ve been a nightmare. I can’t believe I thought he’d come back. I can’t believe I thought this was just a blip and wouldn’t matter.’ Myfe strokes my arm as I continue. ‘How could he do this to me? How could he leave me like that? Out of nowhere? Without even an explanation?’

I am suddenly so angry. What kind of person could behave like that? Did I even know Daniel at all?

‘I really don’t know.’ Myfanwy shakes her head, looking disgusted. ‘And I’m so glad you’re finally angry. It’s such a horrible, horrible thing to do and you’ve been blaming yourself.’ She shakes her head again and something in me still tugs defensively at her calling Daniel horrible.

‘Am I really so disposable?’ I whisper and Sonali makes an outraged noise. ‘I feel so worthless,’ I continue. ‘How can someone say they love me and then throw me away soeasily? I didn’t know he was capable of that. I didn’t knowanyhuman was capable of that. Even if he didn’t love me anymore, he knows I’m not an evil person. I don’t deserve this, I don’t!’ I throw my hands up, tears streaming down my face. ‘I don’tgetit! I just don’t understand! We were really happy. We were! I’m not just saying that, you guys. We laughed every single day. We were nice to each other. We never argued!’

‘Never?’ Myfanwy looks suspicious. ‘What do you meannever?’ she asks, adding dryly, ‘Bullshit.’

I nod, the tears momentarily stopping. ‘It’s not, we didn’t argue. I’m not just saying that. We really didn’t!’

‘But how?’ Myfanwy looks even angrier. ‘EvenIargued with Daniel. Everyone’s annoying sometimes.’

‘Of course,’ I nod again, slower this time. ‘And obviously there were times when he bugged me a little bit, but it was never anything big enough that seemed worth falling out over. So I just let it go.’

‘Everyone should argue,’ Sonali points out, her voice slightly scolding. ‘Avoiding conflict only leads to resentment.’

‘Wait, you didn’t even argue over wedding planning?’ Toni is wide-eyed with shock. But she argues with Shawn all the time. Some people just don’t like confrontation and can let things go; it’s not weird.

I shake my head. ‘Not really. We were stressed about it but we had a common enemy in Celeste. I just felt terrible he was being forced into WeddingCon.’ I pause, considering this and letting the guilt flood back in, washing away my anger. ‘This really is my fault. I should’ve stood up to Celeste,I shouldn’t have let her and all of the mess she brought get in our way.’ I wipe my face with my coat sleeve then look between my friends, who all share the same unrecognizable expression. ‘I know Daniel shouldn’t have dealt with it the way he has, but I have to take some accountability.’ I down the cocktail before me in one. ‘Do you think, if I finally tell Celeste off and promise him he never has to deal with her again, that he’d come back? That we could make it work?’

There is a sad silence around the table that some part of me – some faraway part – understands. But I’m too far gone.

‘Do you guys think there’s someone else?’ I say it in a quiet voice: the thing I’ve been thinking all along.

On the table before us, my phone lights up with a message and the name on it makes my vision swim with stars.

It’s him. Daniel.

‘Shit,’ Sonali comments, sounding alarmed, while Toni gasps.

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