Page 25 of Date with Destiny

‘Of course it’s not your fault, that’s not how it works,’she murmurs, then pauses. ‘Who was the guy you were flirting with?’

I swallow. ‘He’s just… just a someone. Nobody really.’ I shrug lightly. ‘His name’s Zach Walliams, the jewellery designer I told you about? We’re working together now at the store. He’s been great.’ I meet her eyes. ‘I don’t think I told you but he drove us to the hospital – Toni and me. And then he was still in reception when we were leaving, hours later. He said he just wanted to check I was OK.’

Myfanwy considers this. ‘It sounds like he’s into you.’

‘No!’ I am mortified – not by the idea that he could fancy me, but by the idea that I have painted a picture of him fancying me. The arrogance! ‘No, Myfe, you don’t understand. This man is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen in my life. He could not be any more out of my league if I was a tadpole in the pond, watching an eagle soar above me. He was just being nice. He’s a good guy.’

There is silence and I look up to Myfanwy giving me a wry smile. ‘You’re an idiot, you know?’ she says, amused. ‘You’re kind and fun and ridiculously beautiful. There’sno oneout of your league.’ She pauses, thinking for a few seconds. ‘What did he say?’

‘Who, Zach? When?’ I blink at her, my head all over the place.

‘Yes, duh, Zach!’ She waves her hand. ‘This sexy jewellery designer who weirdly stayed in A&E for several hours waiting to see if you were all right – what did he say when you finally emerged?’

‘Oh!’ I settle back into a warm spot on the bed. ‘He just sort of stared horrified at the whole grieving family around me and then stuttered, “Are you OK?”?’ I shrug. ‘I said, “Not really, my aunt just died.”?’

‘Heavy,’ Myfanwy murmurs and I nod, feeling a bit guilty. I hadn’t meant to make him feel bad. I spend my life tiptoeing around what to say in awkward moments, horrified that I might unintentionally upset someone with the wrong word or emphasis. I will literally lie in bed at night replaying something I’d said in casual conversation hours earlier, wracked with fear that the other person was somehow offended.

‘He said he was really sorry and ran away.’

‘That was it?’ Myfanwy asks and I confirm, ‘That was it.’

‘But we’ve seen each other a few times since,’ I add quickly. ‘And it’s not awkward. It’s been nice actually. The customers love him and he’s doing great work.’

‘And the flirting?’ Myfanwy side-smiles at me and I turn beetroot.

‘No, there’s definitely been no more of that,’ I insist, even though I can’t be sure. ‘I can’t be flirting with some guy with everything that’s going on. Diane would be so offended.’

‘I don’t think she would.’ Myfanwy’s eyes are soft.

We sit in companionable silence for a few minutes, both thinking about Diane. When I was having a rough time at school in Year Eight – when I had no friends and Flo Williams had moved away – she used to come and pick me up at the end of the day in her crappy Volvo. She didn’t say it out loud, but I know it was to save me having to walk homealone, surrounded by gangs of 13-year-olds who liked each other and hated me. In that ten-minute drive, she would ask me how my day was and I would get angry with her to cover up my own vulnerability. I would moan that we had to walk to the car, then moan about the car. All the way home she would ask me kind questions about my day and I would sullenly complain that I was too hot or else too cold.

I could’ve talked to her, instead of punishing her. I could’ve told her about the Art projects and the History essays – and how much I hated all of it. I could’ve told her about the bullies and the one that frightened me most, and how I lived in constant fear of being picked on. I could’ve told her how much I missed Flo and how I wished I could go back and undo what I did. I could’ve told her how I had no one to talk to. I could’ve told her how exhausting I found it all. I could’ve asked her how her day was going. I could’ve asked her aboutherlife. I could’ve asked her aboutmylife and how I was supposed to survive it. I could’ve enjoyed that small window of time Aunt Diane and I had together but instead I chose to sulk and hide myself.

I can feel the tears building again as Myfanwy begins to speak.

‘I…’ Myfanwy stops there and I swipe at my wet face with the back of my hand.

‘What?’

‘No, never mind, it’s nothing.’ She shakes her head, looking embarrassed.

‘No, say it.’ I sit up straighter now, looking at her. ‘Youcan’t just say “I” and then “never mind” – people aren’t allowed to do that. It’s a social etiquette rule: you have to say the thing you nearly said. Otherwise the person on the receiving end of this cruel act will start imagining all kinds of terrible possibilities.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like that you’re dumping me as a friend because you’ve always really hated me and our whole friendship was a joke. Oh, and also Sonali and Emily also hate me and I was a pity-add to the Uni Dicks group.’ I say all this with genuine fear because it has always been my secret belief about everyone in my life. ‘Or maybe that you’re dying, too, and this is our last chance to say goodbye.’

‘It’s not any of those things,’ Myfanwy shakes her head. ‘Although I think Emily probably does hates all of us. She would love to exit our WhatsApp group but it’s too awkward.’ I can see she is trying not to look amused as I fix her with my hardest, angriest stare.

‘OK, fine! I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have started the sentence but since I did…’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Can we talk about the three losses – the three bad things! – all coming true?’

I shake my head. ‘I can’t even think about it. It just makes me feel so selfish all the time,’ I say quietly. ‘My aunt died, my mum’s a wreck, and all I keep thinking about is how everything in my life has fallen apart.’

‘But that’s OK!’ Myfanwy says loudly. ‘Because your lifehasfallen apart!’

‘Oh, right, thanks,’ I mutter.

‘No, I mean it,’ Myfanwy continues. ‘Everything’s a bit of a shitshow, isn’t it? This time a few months ago, everything was sorted and now look at you!’

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