Page 46 of Date with Destiny

‘OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’ I scream at Toni from her bedroom doorway. She leaps away from the mirror, guilt purple across her face.

She throws the offending scissors away onto her chest of drawers. ‘Nothing!’ she shrieks as they clatter noisily.

‘You’re cutting your own fringe,’ I accuse. ‘We’ve been through this, Toni – it’s a terrible, terrible idea. Remember that Christmas when you were seventeen? You couldn’t leave the house for two months.’

Her head hangs in shame. ‘I remember.’ She glances at her reflection again and I move closer, inspecting her hair for damage.

‘I think it’s OK,’ I murmur. ‘I got to you in time.’

Toni breathes out heavily. ‘I knew it was a bad idea, I just really wanted a new look for my birthday dinner. Taylor Swift’s fringe always looks so shiny and cool. I want to dress for revenge like she does.’

I raise my eyebrows. ‘Taylor’s fringe is probably tended to by a team of well-paid hair stylists.’

Toni pouts. ‘I just wanted a glow-up!’

‘Aglow-up?’I repeat back in astonishment. ‘But… but you are so glowed up already, you glewed up years ago!’

‘Is that a word?’ She squints suspiciously at me in the mirror.

‘Definitely,’ I tell her confidently, perching on the edge of her bed. ‘What’s brought this on anyway?’

She shrugs, not making eye contact. ‘I don’t know. I just want to be sexy and mature.’

I’m flummoxed. ‘Youaresexy and mature,’ I say, adding, ‘I mean, gross at having to call you sexy but you’re, y’know, beautiful! And who the hell rates maturity?’

She pouts. ‘I don’t feel it! I just…’ She looks down. ‘I’ve never really felt sexy.’

Shawn, I think to myself. If my beautiful little baby deer of a sister doesn’t feel attractive, it’s because her oblivious knobhead boyfriend is an oblivious knobhead.

I sigh, feeling helpless.

I am desperate for Toni to break the cycles of self-hatred. I don’t want her to go through the same self-loathing spirals I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I want her to easily love who she is and feel strong enough to be the person she wants to be, vibrantly and without self-doubt.

‘Honestly, you’re gorgeous and lovely,’ I tell her as sincerely as I can. ‘And most importantly you’rekind. That’s the best thing to be.’

It’s so easy to say these things to the people we love – toseetheir beauty and brilliance – but why is it so hard to internalize?

‘OK,’ she inhales deeply, standing straighter. ‘So no fringe then?’

‘At least not a bedroom fringe,’ I tell her with a smile. ‘Especially since it’s time to go.’

When we arrive at dinner, everyone else is already seated. Flustered and a bit sweaty despite the freezing mid-November temperatures outside, I take my seat beside Myfanwy and Sonali. They are distracted ravaging the bread basket and for a moment I feel intensely lonely. Everyone here seems to be with someone. Myfanwy has Sonali, Toni has Shawn. OK, so Dad isn’t here with Celeste, but the whole world is her plus one.

I’m suddenly struck by how much I miss having someone with me for things like this. How much I miss havingDanielat things like this.

He messaged me after his surprise visit a few weeks ago, apologizing again and asking if we could meet up for a drink when I’m ready.

And I want to see him, desperately. So what’s standing in my way? Is it just pride? If so, that’s got to be really dumb. I don’t think anyone would judge me if I went back to him.

Maybe Myfanwy, she’s quite judgemental. But she’s also veryunjudgemental when you choose to ignore her judgement.

‘You know what this is, don’t you?’ She leans over now,interrupting my thoughts with a bread roll in hand, crumbs flying over me. ‘We’ve been relegated to theold people celebrations.’

‘The what?’ I frown, absent-mindedly unfolding the cloth napkin from its nothing-like-a-swan fold and laying it across my lap.

Myfanwy gestures around the grand room, where we’re having dinner in honour of Toni’s twenty-fourth birthday. Celeste has hired a private space in a Michelin-starred restaurant to celebrate, and we’re currently reviewing oversized menus with eye-wateringly expensive and eye-wateringly confusing courses.

‘I mean, look at who’s here.’ Myfanwy nods again at the rest of the guests. Aside from birthday girl Toni and Shawn, it’s just me, Myfanwy, Sonali, Celeste, several of my aunts and uncles, and my grandmother on my dad’s side. There are literally none of Toni’s young mates.

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