Page 50 of Date with Destiny

‘Don’t be ridiculous, My-Fanny,’ he retorts, forever getting her name wrong. ‘They were £250 and I had them customized with my initials on the underside of the inside leg.’

‘Wow!’ Toni and I say with differing levels of sincerity. Simultaneously, Myfanwy and Sonali mutter, ‘Why?’ which is luckily lost in the howls of wind around us.

‘Here,’ he reaches down, lifting up the hem of his trousers to reveal the initialsSC.

‘Why have you got Sean Combs’ initials on your trousers?’ Myfanwy asks curiously.

‘Who’s Sean Combs?’ I ask.

‘Puff Daddy,’ Sonali explains.

‘P Diddy,’ Myfanwy corrects.

‘I think he goes by both these days.’ Sonali sounds defensive. ‘Or indeed, justDiddy.’

‘Are we sure SC isn’t for Sean Connery?’ Myfe jumps in, suppressing a smile. ‘Or maybe Simon Cowell?’

‘Or Steve Coogan?’ I offer because I can’t help myself.

‘They’reShawn’sinitials!’ Toni scolds lightly, then glances up at him. ‘Right?’

‘Obviously!’ He looks irritated again. ‘My name is Shawn Cochrane.’

‘Shawn Cock Ring?’ Myfanwy asks in the same innocent tone.

‘Cochrane!’ he raises his voice, his face going a little purplish, and Toni strokes a soothing arm along his jacket shoulder. His expression clears as he continues, ‘I’m actually thinking of getting it as a tattoo.’

‘You’re thinking of getting a cock ring as a tattoo?’ Myfanwy glances with pronounced confusion over at me and Sonali. I shake my head as a warning.

‘No!’ Shawn is livid.

‘Oh, so you’re getting Simon Cowell’s initials tattooed on you?’ she offers helpfully, as the purple hue of Shawn’s face turns orange.

‘MY initials!’ he explodes. ‘Why is this so hard for you to understand, My-Fanny?’

‘Er, baby, is that a leg support you’re wearing?’ Toni searches desperately for a subject change. ‘Are you OK?’ Shegestures back down at Shawn’s still-exposed leg, where the edge of an orange band peeks out from beneath his personalized trousers.

Myfanwy gives him an exaggerated squint. ‘Wait, you use a cock ring as a leg support?’

‘No!’ he howls, furious now and I feel bad for him. His basic bitchery is no match for Myfanwy’s scathing wit. ‘No!’ he says again, breathing heavily as he tries to get a handle on his fury. He fingers the gold chain around his neck, taking a second. ‘I have to wear it because of all the squash I play. I’m at the top of the third league at my club.’ He glances down at Toni for reassurance that this is impressive and she rewards him with a huge smile. Though I’m not sure she even knows what squash is. The only thing I know about it is that lots of middle-aged white men play and they get really angry about the whole thing.

‘He’s really good at it.’ Toni looks anxious. ‘I mean, he’s really good atthem? Er, um… that?’ Yeah, she has no idea what squash is. Shawn tuts sulkily and we all fall silent. He’s run out of ways to impress us if we are not bowled over by expensive, personalized trousers and squash. What elseisthere?

In front of us, a group of hot women are talking loudly about what they would call their babies.

‘I really like Sovereign,’ one is saying in a lazy posh trawl. She has an eighties perm that somehow looks terrible and very cool all at once. I blame the curly girl method. ‘They use that word on the news a lot when they’re talking aboutthe royal family and it feels really, I don’t know,regalor something, yah?’ The two others nod aggressively. The perm continues, ‘Or I’m thinking something even more original, like, maybe Comma? The private tutor Mummy hired to get me into Oxford used to say that word a lot and Raphy was the cleverest person I ever met. I was so upset when Daddy sacked him. All he did was sleep with me and my sister – it was outrageously unfair.’

‘I never know where to use commas,’ says the shortest of the three conversationally, ignoring the statutory rape.

The second woman pipes up, ‘A girl I know at the stables just called her baby Astrophel. Apparently it meansthe star lover!’ She throws her long wavy hair back, showing off the largest, most garish earrings I’ve ever seen.

Perm snorts, ‘It does not mean star lover!’ She waves her hand dismissively and it’s clear she is the leader. ‘It’s that comma thing you put in the air, yah? You know, like indon’t,orisn’t. Raphy spent weeks explaining about the astrophel. He only shut up about it after I gave him a blowie.’

The earrings woman scrunches her face up, clearly wondering whether this is worth challenging. ‘I think that’s an apostrophe actually,’ she says quietly but loud enough to be met with a menacing stare.

‘Well,’ the shortest says quickly, ‘I’ve decided on Harissa for my first child.’

Perm nods approvingly. ‘That’s very good.’

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