Page 94 of Date with Destiny

I am outraged. ‘I never felt sorry for you!’ I tell her and she smiles nicely.

‘Mum did.’

‘You’ve been speaking to Celeste about Shawn?’

She nods. ‘Yes, and she’s been reminding me how important it is to focus on the bigger picture – that someone wants to be with me! I have to stop being so shallow, always overexamining the annoying little things. She said I’ll soon learn to ignore them or learn to like them. She said I need to give it a go.’

Oh my god, the absolute brainwashing. It’s horrendous!

I realize suddenly that it’s something we’ve grown up around; the idea that being single meant being some kind of failure. Mum has always pushed us to stick out our shitty relationships because it was better – as far as she was concerned – than being on your own. Toni is so brainwashed.

And so am I, a small voice inside reminds me.

I tried to leap straight from my relationship with Daniel into something with Zach. Then I tried to get straight into something with Mikey. And now? I think guiltily about the pathetic way I’ve been hanging around my phone since I sawFlo, hoping Zach might get in touch.

I need to retrain my brain. Being single isn’t something fearful and bad. Look at Diane! She loved it and chose it. My mum might be afraid of it, but she spends most of her life alone and does great. Being single should be brilliant and empowering. When I’ve allowed myself those times on my own, it’s been such a joy. Especially as an introvert. I’ve loved nothing more than shutting myself away of an evening; eating what I want, watching what I want, seeing my friends when I want, playing stupid games on my phone without judgement. I’ve got to know myself better and I realize I like me. It’s been great being single, so why do I keep resisting it?

I have to persuade Toni being single is not some kind of disease.

And Celeste.

‘Why didn’t you speak to me about all of this?’ I ask Toni thickly.

She looks sad. ‘I don’t know… I didn’t want you to think badly of Shawn. You seemed to like him so much. I didn’t want to upset you.’

‘I…’ I’m so shocked I stand up. Vaguely embarrassed at the drama of my reaction, I sit back down. ‘You think Ilikehim?’ I ask faintly.

‘Of course,’ she laughs. ‘You guys are like besties. Shawn says he knows you better than I do these days.’

I swallow hard. ‘Er, Toni, I guess he’s grown on me a bit – he was helpful around MikeyGate – but otherwise’ – howdo I phrase this? –‘I’m not that much of a fan.’

‘You’re not?’ she says, her eyebrows drawing together.

‘I’mreallynot,’ I emphasize perhaps a little too strongly.

‘Oh thank GOD,’ she shouts, her shoulders sagging. ‘Because I don’t just hate him, Ireallyhate him. I was so worried you’d be upset with me!’

‘I kind of hate him, too!’ I tell her and she bursts out laughing, then frowns.

‘Do you know he has flatmates?’ She suddenly looks disgusted. ‘He talks constantly about how much money he makes, but lives with five students! He shares a bathroom with five hairy 18-year-olds. I know I shouldn’t judge someone for not being able to afford a flat because lord knows, it sure looks like I’ll never be able to, and I live with mymotherfor god’s sake. But he goes on and on about how much money he has and is constantly getting his clothes personalized, meanwhile he goes back to this hovel to hang out with a bunch of teenagers who smirk at each other whenever he says anything. It’s mortifying!’ She laughs again, relishing the horror of it. ‘Of course, that big money talk dried up once we started talking about flats. SuddenlyI’mgoing to have to cover it all!’ She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for yet another rant. ‘And Jesus, Ginny, you shouldseehis stand-up comedy! It’s so unfunny, I can’t stand it. It’s mainly him riffing about how un-PC he is, which he thinks makes him edgy or something. And I know I’m stupid and don’t get jokes, but I find it gross and offensive. He said one gay guyone timea few years ago told him he was funny, andthat means he’s allowed to say anything he likes about any subject. Yeugh.’ She visibly shudders. ‘And he always steals my bread roll when we’re out to eat. Oh! And the last time we went out for dinner he asked if I’d pay half, and I said yes of course because I always have, and then he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher. Which means I paid for my half so he could get hisfor free. He’sawful.’

‘Yeugh!’ I echo her guttural noise. ‘Toni, please dump him!’

She looks anxious. ‘You really think I can?’

‘Of course!’ I sigh. ‘Tone, were you really miserable when you were single?’

She considers my question, thinking back. ‘No,’ she admits at last, shaking her head. ‘Not at all, actually. I loved having time to myself. I really love having my own space as well. I quite enjoyed dating and playing the field, and it didn’t bother me that the dates never went anywhere. I liked going home to my own life and doing whatever I wanted.’

‘Then don’t think about it anymore!’ I instruct, shouting the next part as joyfully as I can: ‘DUMP HIM!!!’

She laughs hard and shouts back, ‘I AM GOING TO DUMP SHAWN!’

It is as we both fall about laughing that we notice a towering figure in the doorway.

Celeste. And her face is absolutethunder.

Oh, shit.

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