Page 18 of It's Now or Never

‘Hopefully a little longer for both of us,’ I said, with a wry smile. ‘Enough time at least for me to finish my cake.’ I dug my fork into the smooth mousse centre of the coffee and walnut slice and popped its gooey deliciousness into my mouth.

Alex looked at me indulgently. We were definitely bonding over the shared delights of the cake.

‘If I died today, I’m not sure how many people would turn up for my funeral.’ He tilted his chin upwards and narrowed hiseyes, as though calculating the number of potential guests. ‘Maybe sixty if I was lucky. There must have been about three hundred at Arthur’s service. A reflection on what a great man he was and what a full and varied life he led.’

‘Yes.’ I screwed up my face to do the same calculation. ‘Well, if it’s any consolation I think there might only be about thirty people at my funeral so you’re way ahead of me in the popularity stakes.’

Actually, it was a pretty depressing thought now he came to mention it.

‘You know what we should do.’ He lifted my hand in his, a big smile on his face. ‘Start planning for our own funerals now. Widen our social circles, get more involved in the community, have a huge extended family, just so as we can be guaranteed a good turnout at our funerals.’

‘Why are we even talking about this?’ I asked, laughing. I really didn’t want to be thinking that far ahead. Looking only six months or a year into the future was scary enough. I snatched my hand away from his, my fingers tingled from his touch.

He sat back in his seat, his eyes shining with mischievous intent.

‘It is good to see you though, Jen. First a wedding and now a funeral, we seem to be making a habit of meeting at these big life-event occasions. Maybe next time we should do something a bit more low-key, meet for dinner or something?’ He raised an eyebrow, a smile quivering at his lips. ‘What do you reckon? Oh, I remember, you blew me out for dinner. Shame.’

I felt a heat rise in my cheeks and suddenly our corner of the tea room felt very claustrophobic. I shifted my gaze away from Alex and let it drift around the room, taking in the other customers; mainly yummy mummies meeting up for their morning coffee, singletons transfixed by their laptops andcouples chatting away animatedly. A normal everyday scene, and yet here and now for me the scene was charged with an underlying fizzing electricity.

‘Look,’ I said, desperate now to clear the air. ‘I’m sorry for not replying to your texts, I just thought… Well, I thought it would be better if…’

‘Yes?’ said Alex, chewing on the inside of his cheek, clearly relishing every moment of my obvious discomfort.

‘Well, I thought it would be better if we just moved on and forgot that evening ever happened.’

‘Oh right’. He chuckled and shook his head. ‘It was that good, was it?’ He crossed his arms in front of his chest, and his mouth grimaced in feigned umbrage. ‘I know your type. Using me for your own personal ends and then just callously tossing me to one side when you’ve had your evil way with me.’

I was relieved he was laughing, but I still felt mortifyingly embarrassed. I hadn’t expected to see Alex again, nor did I expect to have to explain.

Memories of the night spent in his deep double bed flittered into my mind. In truth, I’d thought of little else these last weeks; the way his deep intense gaze had devoured me, his warm seductive voice whispering in my ear, his touch on my skin taking me to peaks of delight I could only ever have imagined before. I knew I’d be playing with fire to go anywhere near this man again. Much better to avoid getting involved in the first place than having to piece together the fragments of a broken heart a few months down the line.

I’d set a precedent that night, falling into bed with him so easily, and there was nothing I could do to change that now.

‘It wasn’t like that. Look, if I’m being honest with you…’ I looked over my shoulder to check no one was listening to what I was about to say and then I lowered my voice. ‘That night I acted totally out of character. Honestly, I’m not sure what came over me. It might surprise you to know that I’d never had a one-night stand before.’

‘Actually, that doesn’t surprise me at all.’

‘Oh.’ Was it that obvious I was still wearing my ‘L’ plates as far as one-night stands were concerned? ‘Well, don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed that day we spent together, and the evening bit, obviously,’ I said, blushing. ‘I was flattered that you got in contact and asked to see me again, but the thing is, I’m really not looking for that sort of relationship.’

Alex remained quiet for a moment, a quizzical look on his face. He ran a fingertip along an imaginary line on the table. I watched his hand as it traced a trail in front of me.

‘And what sort of relationship would that be?’ Alex asked, looking up at me.

‘Casual sex,’ I said quickly and rather too loudly, judging by the sideways glance from the man on the next table. ‘I mean it was lovely and everything, and it’s nothing personal against you, but I’ve realised I’m really not cut out for that sort of thing.’

‘Ah okay.’ I thought I saw the beginnings of a smile on his lips, but he bit it back. ‘That wasn’t what I was actually suggesting. I just thought it would be good to get to know you a bit better. I was thinking more along the lines of… dinner. You know, a proper date. It was just an idea though. I completely understand that you might not want to.’

Now I felt churlish and ill-mannered, but there was no getting away from the fact that Alex and I were completely different people with completely different needs. Hadn’t Angie warned me that he was a serial dater and the last thing I wanted was to be the next name on his, no doubt, exceedingly long tbd (to be dated) list.

‘I mean,’ he said, now picking up my hand again and lookingdeep into my eyes. ‘I’m deeply hurt and disappointed at the thought that you might not want to see me again, but if that’s the way you really feel, then what can I do.’ He dropped my hand with a sigh. ‘I’ll just have to roll with that.’

He looked at me imploringly and I couldn’t help my toes from curling and my mouth smiling at him in return.

‘You know I went back to the wine bar to collect the letter you wrote to me.’

‘You did!’ His brow furrowed and his eyes darkened. ‘Well, I do hope they didn’t give it to you.’

‘No, they didn’t. I couldn’t believe it. The girl was a right miserable bitch. All sour-faced and hanging on to that envelope as though her life depended on it. Honestly, I felt like slapping her.’

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