Page 47 of It's Now or Never

‘Well, just an observation from one friend to another.’

I raised my eyebrows at him and grimaced, bracing myself for what he might have to say.

‘You think too much about things.’

I gave a wry smile, wondering if he’d be on the hotline up to my mum.

‘I can see your mind working overtime. Weighing up whether something is a good idea or not. Sometimes you just have to take a chance on new ideas, new adventures, new situations and give them a try, see where they take you.’

Yep, he’d definitely been in cahoots with my mum.

‘So basically,’ I said, ‘you’re saying I’m an uptight repressed woman who needs to learn how to enjoy herself. Is that it?’

‘No, not at all.’ Alex laughed, taking the baby from me again. He positioned her on his shoulder, tapping her back lightly as he swayed on the spot. ‘But just think if I’d given you a choice about going zip-lining, you would never have agreed to go in the first place. But you did it and had a great time.’

‘It wasn’t that great a time,’ I said, churlishly. ‘The best thing about it was getting to the other side and realising I was still alive. That was a good feeling. A great feeling even, but I mean, I would never want to do that again.’

‘Oh Jen! You said you wanted to find some adventure in your life and that’s what that day was all about. It should have shown you just what you’re capable of. I think deep down in your heart you’re far more adventurous than you give yourself credit for. Giving up your job, going it alone, that’s pretty adventurous.’

‘I suppose.’

We were interrupted by another christening guest who was all too eager to have a cuddle with the baby and Alex duly passed her on, albeit reluctantly. He slipped his arm through mine and we wandered off, coming to a halt at a secluded spot out of the way under a yew tree.

‘I quite like your uptightness though, even if I do find it incredibly frustrating.’

‘Alex,’ I said, elbowing him surreptitiously in the ribs. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You know what I mean. Why have you been avoiding me again, Jen?’ He turned to face me. We were standing so close I could feel his breath on my face. ‘I thought we were getting on really well, I imagined that you liked me, Jen. Christ, I really like you. Don’t you realise that? I haven’t stopped thinking about youfrom the first day we met and I thought, well I’d hoped that we would carry on seeing each other, getting to know each other better. But just as I think we’re moving forward, you blow me out again. What’s that all about? Did I just misread the signs, Jen? Is that it?’

I looked down at our hands entwined, our bodies as close together as they could possibly be without actually touching, and I wondered how that had actually happened. I couldn’t remember our hands finding each other. The underlying tension between us was palpable. There could be no mistaking the signs.

‘Alex, we shouldn’t be talking about this now. This is our godchild’s christening. Look, people are making a move to go back to the house. We should go.’

He put a hand onto the small of my back and guided me through the grounds of the chapel before we joined the alleyway that ran the short distance to Tom and Angie’s house, walking together in silence.

When we reached the cottage we found the house festooned with balloons and ribbons, and inside in the open plan living area Angie’s imposing pine dresser was overflowing with pink wrapped presents and gift bags, the happy sounds of laughter ringing out from all around. On the dining room table the most wonderful buffet had been laid out and bottles of pink champagne stood ready to be cracked open.

With glass in hand and suitably filled, I mooched around the room catching up with people, some I hadn’t seen since the wedding. I had a chat and a giggle with Gladys and Betty, had another cuddle with Liberty, which felt slightly more comfortable this time, and had an extended hug too with Angie, who seemed to have taken to motherhood with inherent ease. Yet I supposed I should have realised it was an inevitability that Alex and I would find ourselves together again, irresistibly drawn toone another like magnets, huddled beside each other on the small sofa at the front of the house, nestled into the bay window, the warm sun caressing our backs.

‘Can I ask you a personal question?’ Alex said, turning to me with serious intent in his eyes.

I gulped. ‘Yes, of course, what is it?’

‘Are you seeing someone else?’

The directness of his question took me by surprise and I took another sip of pink champagne to fortify me.

‘No,’ I said, equally directly.

‘Okay, good. It was just I wondered about you and that guy from work, is it Matt? I thought I’d check. Didn’t want to be stepping on anyone’s toes.’

‘No, nothing like that. Matt’s just a friend.’

‘Okay, good,’ he said again, and I couldn’t help noticing that he actually looked relieved, very relieved. ‘So give it to me straight, Jen? What is it that you don’t like about me or us? I know there’s something stopping you, holding you back from getting involved with me. I’ve sensed that from the beginning and I just wish I knew what it was because then I might be able to do something to fix it. Do you see me just as a friend and nothing more, is that it? For me, every time we’re together it’s incredible. I thought that first night after the wedding was amazing, but then last time when you stayed over, it was even better. When we’re together, it’s great and I’m certain you feel that way too, but then just when I feel we’re growing closer you blow me out again. I don’t get it. Do you really not feel the same way too?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said, looking away.

‘Don’t lie to me, Jen. I could tell by the way you looked at me, the way your body responded to me in my bed that you weren’t faking it. Have you forgotten about that?’

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