Page 48 of It's Now or Never

His arm was curled round the back of the sofa and theproximity to the promised delights of his body was tantalising. How could I possibly forget what it was like to share his bed. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. If I was just able to put enough distance between me and Alex then maybe I’d have the smallest chance of forgetting I’d ever met him, but every time I saw him it just rendered my defences even weaker.

Thank God we were in Angie and Tom’s living room or else I’m sure we would have dispensed with the talk and just fallen into each other’s arms. The electricity between us was hard to ignore, but I’d always known instinctively that I wanted more than Alex was ever able to offer me. Hadn’t he told me as much?

‘You and me, we could have such a great time together. Let’s go out. As a proper couple. I promise you it doesn’t have to involve any more extreme sports. Not if you don’t want it to, that is. Although, I quite fancy bungee jumping. What do you reckon?’

‘Absolutely no way. Never in a month of Sundays. I think my adventurous gene has been fully satiated now, thank you.’

He laughed, a mix of fondness and frustration clouding his eyes. ‘Okay, I get that, but there’s plenty of other stuff you and I could do together.’

He was playing with my head, teasing me, tempting with a future that I hadn’t even allowed myself to consider.

‘Alex, you and I are different people. I like you, you know that, and I really enjoy your company, but we want different things from life.’

‘Ha, that’s exactly what I mean.’ He picked up my hand, giving it a squeeze, an imploring look on his face. ‘You’re overthinking things. How can you possibly know what I want from life? You’ve never asked me. I want to see you. Isn’t that enough? To have you as part of my life. Not just meeting up at weddings, christenings and funerals.’

I shrugged a laugh. ‘We have spoken about it! You’ve told me you don’t do serious relationships. Three months and you’re moving on. That time I saw you, when you told me about Clare, you were warning me off. Telling me I shouldn’t allow myself to be hurt in the same way as she was. I get it, Alex. I’m fine with that. Honest, I am.’

‘You’re clearly not, Jen, and that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? I don’t think you’ve been hearing me properly. I wasn’t warning you off, quite the opposite. What I was trying to explain to you, and clearly I made a very bad job of it, was that most of my relationships haven’t moved beyond the three-month mark, but that’s not a conscious decision on my part. I don’t keep a calendar, marking the days off until a certain date and then walking away. It happens organically, a natural parting, more often than not a mutual thing between two people.’

I raised my eyebrows at him.

‘Well, not always mutually, but sometimes,’ he added, with a killer smile. ‘That didn’t happen between us, Jen. The more I saw of you the more I wanted to see you. But every time we seem to get close you take a few steps backwards. I’m too old to be playing games, second guessing what you may or may not be feeling. I want you in my life, Jen. Isn’t that enough?’

‘Oh, I don’t know,’ I sighed, my gaze travelling round the room, anxious to escape from the intensity of his scrutiny. I hadn’t expected this conversation today.

Was he right though? From the moment I’d met him I’d had a preconceived idea about the sort of person he was, based mainly on what Angie had told me, but partly on some assumptions I’d made myself. It had been difficult not to. In his expensive Italian designer suit, shiny shoes and highly groomed appearance, he cut quite the picture of the type of man your mother warned youto avoid: smooth, polished and sophisticated, a million miles away from the guys I usually met.

I quickly learnt he was an ex-trader who was now the owner of an art gallery. He drove a smart sports car and seemed to live the high life enjoying expensive wines and restaurants. According to Angie, he was a commitment-phobe who’d left a string of glamorous girlfriends in his wake. All in all it painted a pretty convincing picture to me of someone who was undoubtedly intriguing, but probably best avoided if I wanted to keep my heart intact. If anything, in the time I’d got to know Alex better my opinion of him hadn’t really changed at all.

‘It wouldn’t work out between us, that’s all.’

‘Tell me why not?’

‘Why not?’ I sighed, much louder than I’d intended and a couple of people turned to look at me so I made an elaborate show of turning the sigh into a not very convincing yawn. ‘Well, because I’d fall in love with you and then you’d break my heart and run off with some lovely lithe gorgeous creature leaving me heartbroken.’ I waved my arm with a flourish hoping he’d pick up on the lightness of my tone, but as I heard the words hanging in the air, I realised I’d probably just nailed my concerns right there.

‘Jen, if you’re ever going to love someone again you’re going to have to open your heart to that sort of risk. That’s what being in love is all about. You do make yourself vulnerable. But don’t you think some risks are worth taking?’

I shrugged. Trouble was, I suspected Alex offered a much higher risk value than most other men.

‘It might surprise you to know that since I met you I’ve not been on any other dates. Not one. And the only reason for that is because I haven’t wanted to. The only woman I’ve been interested in seeing is you.’

‘Oh,’ I said, nursing the stem of my champagne flute. ‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Hmm. What about the owner of those silver teardrop earrings then? Have you not seen her again either?’

No sooner had I said the words than I regretted them. Alex didn’t owe me any explanations, but those damn earrings had haunted me from the day I’d spotted them, taunting me with all their silver shininess.

‘Okay, that was unfortunate and I’m sorry you had to see those. I can imagine how they must have made you feel.’

It was heartening to know that Alex knew exactly what I was talking about.

‘I’m not going to make any excuses. It was someone I met, someone I spent the night with, but that was long before I’d even met you. It was just a one-off. I didn’t see her again, well only to return the earrings. But I’m telling the truth when I say there hasn’t been anyone else since I met you. I’ve been hanging on hoping that you might change your mind, see the error of your ways, and give me a bloody chance.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘To be honest, I haven’t wanted to see anyone else.’

I shrugged, grateful that the mystery of the earrings had been resolved but hating myself for having needed to ask. Although what Alex was telling me made my heart twist. It must have taken a lot for him to open up like that.’

‘I know you’ve been hurt in the past, Jen, but then so have a lot of other people. Sometimes you have to pick yourself up again and decide what it is you actually want from life. And finding love always involves an element of risk. I know I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life avoiding getting close to someone just in case they hurt me at some unforeseen date in the future.’ Now it was Alex’s turn to sigh. ‘I can’t tell you what’s going to happen another three months down the line, or in six months’ time or ayear. Who knows? It’s just as likely that you could run off with your tango instructor and end up breaking my heart but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be with you now.’

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