Page 89 of Head Over Wheels

‘You’ll see it too, when I’m gone and you’ve got some perspective. We were always taking time out of reality – time you need to get back into your real life.’

Thinking back to what I’d said in December, in March, theexcuses I’d given so I could reconcile my ambitions with how much I wanted him, I realised I’d been naïve and selfish – and clueless. I’d had no idea what he would mean to me, how much I’d want to fight to make this work.

‘I might have said I didn’t want any distractions this year, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t fall in love with you anyway.’

Choking off my speech five words too late, I turned away with a flinch. Was that the truth? Was I already in love with LoonieDunes? I certainly felt like the loser in this relationship and damn Mum for being right again.

‘I… I know, Lore. I didn’t mean to make this so difficult for—’

He knew?I held up a hand to silence him before I broke in two right before his eyes – a new worst moment in my life. Taking one panicked step in the direction of the door, and then another, the realisation of just how dumb I’d been washed over me.

I’d thought my break-up last year had taught me a lesson, that saying I wasn’t in a relationship would be enough to make it true. In my defence, spending time with Seb had felt nothing like my dates with Gaetano. But Seb and I…

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…

The word looped in my head, because everything else was scrambled. I’d made a huge mess of this. How had I not understood what my feelings meant? I’d pushed him away when he was already so afraid of people he loved leaving him. I’d ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me and all I had left was the chance at a crappy trophy.

I made it to the door, clutching the handle.

‘Lori, I’m sorr—’

Shaking my head vigorously, I cut him off. ‘You said we’d always be friends, but friends don’t give up on each other! Enjoy your cheese and your fucking B&B!’

His flinch was a poor consolation for the wrench of loss inside me. I’d missed a chance. My nose ran and my tears flowed and I managed to force myself through the door somehow, slamming it behind me, but for once, there was no satisfaction in releasing my explosive feelings.

Fumbling behind my neck, I yanked off the necklace with the two medallions, cursing when I used too much force and the clasp broke.

I’d lost him – completely. I’d lost.

Seb

The door slammed like an ice bath over my feelings. It was what I’d wanted: something to make it hurt less when this was over. Except nothing had happened the way I’d expected. I found myself staring at the door, my fist raised as though I were about to knock, when really I wanted to bang it down, go after her and change the way the past five minutes had played out.

I wanted the hurt back, as long as she came with it.

The door flew open and would have caught me in the nose if I hadn’t had razor-sharp reflexes, honed by years of high-speed racing. Colin stormed in. I wasn’t often struck by theresemblance between the two of them, but the stab of regret that this was the wrong Gallagher and not an opportunity for the do-over I suddenly, desperately wanted, shook me.

But what would I change, if I could?

‘What did you do to her?’

‘The right thing – I thought.’ Except why did I feel as though I’d destroyed something? The precious moments of the past ten months – on- and offline – gaped inside me like a wound.

That didn’t mean I couldn’t fall in love with you…

Those words were not supposed to emerge from her lips, not in any version of reality I’d prepared myself for.Iwas the one who’d lost my grip on the boundaries and fallen in love. I’d felt certain saying goodbye was the necessary course of action. But if there was a chance she felt a fraction of what I did…

I could still see her face as she blurted it out: reckless Lori. And I’d responded in a panic with, ‘I know,’ like Harrison Ford inStar Wars, so stuck in my own misery of emotions that I hadn’t even told her how much it would break me to give her up.

‘It had better be the right thing,’ Colin growled. ‘You look like shit, mate.’

Gulping, I tried to settle my feelings so they weren’t written all over my battered body. ‘I feel like shit,’ I muttered, my voice gravelly.

3 July 16:22

LoonieDunes: I didn’t mean to hurt you.

Folklore: But you did.

---