Page 96 of Head Over Wheels

The camera shot changed to pick up the peloton roaring through the streets of Tours, with Colin and Amir and the others comfortably among their number. But all I wanted to see was Seb’s face, to gauge how he felt.

Gaetano’s handsome smile filled the screen and I jerkedback in disgust, wondering how I’d spent over a year with him when I felt as though I didn’t know him at all. Far from being tough, I’d been young and naïve, thinking that an element of emotional distance in a relationship was normal.

I’d never been good at distance with Seb, which was why I’d been so afraid of getting distracted. But fighting my feelings had been a distraction too. Loving him, committing to each other would ground me and not put me off course – I was determined to make that the case.

When the footage showed a top-down view of Seb from within a crowd of journalists, his chest still rising and falling erratically and his hair a sweat-slicked mess, my heart tumbled to my toes. His gloved hands on his hips and his shoulders back, his lean body filled the screen, all ridges of tough muscle. His arm was covered in smudged pen marks. He was alive and breathing and gorgeous and allmine!

His head was turned slightly to one side, listening to a reporter’s question, but I stared at his mouth as it twitched, holding my breath.

‘…a real Jedi moment for you today, but it wasn’t quite enough in that final few metres,’ was all I caught of the reporter’s comment.

Bristling fiercely, I closed my hands into fists at the nerve of that guy reducing Seb’s achievement to ‘not quite enough’. He’d made a solo breakaway and held on until the end. He’d produced the team’s best stage result of the Tour. And he was fucking hot in his tight jersey, every defined muscle pumped from long hours of endurance.

Seb’s lips broke into a smile – wide and twisted and self-deprecating – and something was overflowing inside me again as I stared at him. If he didn’t defend himself, I was going to lose it.

‘Yeah, credit to Maggioli. He made all the clever moves.’

‘Youfought it, you fucking wonderful idiot!’

Seb continued, ‘It would have been great to get in front of him at the end, but I had a cracking day and the team behind me. I suppose I had something to prove and, although I didn’t win, I think I proved it. I had some great coaching this year – from all the Gallaghers.’ He glanced at the camera, the briefest of cheeky looks, and my heart flipped. ‘As you might know, this is my last Tour, but I hope to be… involved… in the sport… still. You know, I love it.’

Seb

Maggioli might have won the stage, but I won the combativity award – a nice extra bit of cash – and the memes. A particularly eye-catching press photo of me on the ground in the finish area looking absolutely wrecked had been captioned numerous times. My favourite was, ‘Cycling: more expensive than therapy.’ I also quite liked, ‘Rethinking my life decisions.’

A great shot from my solo breakaway was doing the rounds too, one with the caption, ‘Never tell me the odds.’ Knowing as I did that it was a quote from Han Solo, I was tempted to get that one framed. At the beginning of my career, I’d occasionally participated in the online fan spaces, before thepressure got to me and I couldn’t take the attention. But I enjoyed scrolling the old subreddits while Chris massaged my poor legs that evening.

Although I hadn’t won, the team treated me as though I had and it was so much that I ended up hiding behind my phone at dinner, even though I was only scrolling cat pictures and funny science videos.

Anything to stop me messaging Lori. I couldn’t credit her for my performance today. But I wanted to share it with her anyway.

Thinking of memes and Han Solo and Lori, I spent a stupid amount of time creating an edited version of the iconic scene from the old film, where Leia declared her love, except when it was finished, it pinched me much harder than I’d expected. Like Leia, Lori had told me she loved me – in a roundabout way – but the more I thought about it, the more I believed she’d meant it, the conviction blossoming inside me like its own life form.

She’d probably never forgive me for my own, ill-judged, ‘I know.’ But shemighttake me back, especially if I could show her I understood how wrong I’d been to push her away.

The meme – and the subreddits – gave me an idea. It would be a little embarrassing – very public. But at least she’d have to believe I meant it. I only wished she’d give me a hint about what she was feeling.

My mind full of wild plans, I collapsed onto the bed after my shower. Colin was already snuffling quietly on the otherbed, recovering from another day of suffering under the weight of the team’s expectations.

Reaching reflexively for my phone, I saw I had a message. From Lori. My heart kicked into gear and I nearly dropped the device in my hurry to unlock it. Huh, it wasn’t exactly the hint I’d been looking for, but I’d take it.

My mind was made up: I was mobilising the fans.

20 July 21:48

Folklore:*message deleted*

21 July 19:46

Folklore:*message deleted*

22 July 20:52

Folklore:*message deleted*

LoonieDunes: I know what you want to tell me.

Folklore: Yeah, right.

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