Page 73 of Couple Goals

I can’t do this anymore,types Adriana.It’s too hard. Please stop messaging me.

She sends it and stares at her screen. Then she starts crying into her pillow and doesn’t stop. She wails silently for what could be minutes or hours, her stomach feeling like someone keeps punching and punching her.

Adriana is only jilted out of her crying when she hears someone coming up the stairs. She recognises the sound of all her family’s steps, and knows this is her mum.

Her mum waits outside the door, and Adriana holds her tear-filled breath.

Then there’s a tentative knock.

‘Addy?’ she calls. ‘I’ve got some tea and crumpets for you, love. Can I come in?’

Adriana crumples lower into the bed, like when she was a kid.

‘I’m not hungry, mum,’ she calls out. ‘Please leave me alone.’

‘You haven’t come out forhours,’ her mum says through the door, worried. ‘Do you not even need a wee or anything?’

Adriana groans. She has of course snuck out to use the loo when she could hear her family were all in the kitchen.

‘I’m fine!’

‘Now, what did I tell you about using the f word?’

Adriana buries her face into tear-stained Teddy.

‘It’s okay to not be fine, darling,’ her mum says again. ‘Please just talk to us.’

Adriana is so tired. ‘I don’t have anything to say,’ she mumbles.

‘What was that?’ her mum shouts. ‘Please can I come in?’

‘No!’ Adriana calls out loudly, her voice cracking. ‘Just leave me alone,pleasemum. I appreciate you being here but I just–’ her throat chokes up again. ‘I don’t want to talk.’

There’s more sets of steps up the stairs. God, the whole brigade is coming, and here’s Adriana, trying to muffle her tears from them all.

‘How is she?’ her dad asks, ‘whispering’ so loudly next door can probably hear too.

‘She doesn’t want to talk,’ says her mum.

‘Addy? Our daughter? Queen of the yap? Doesn’t want to talk?’ her dad scoffs. ‘Things must be bad.’

‘Felix, pet, you try. Talk to her about all your funny Ticking Tocks.’

‘It’s called TikTok, mum. Look, if she doesn’t want to talk to you she won’t want to talk to me either,’ he reasons. ‘Let’s just give her the space she’s asked for and hope that if she wants any of us she knows we’re all here.’

He says this last bit with his voice raised.

‘And we have a lot of snacks,’ he adds, even louder. ‘Including some cakes from Emily. That I’m going to eat without her if she isn’t here to claim them.’

Adriana’s lucky, she knows, to have a family who want to look after her like this. But right now, it just feels like another set of people she’s letting down because she’s kept things from them.She hadn’t even really understood what was happening to her, didn’t have the words for the dizziness and cramps, the restlessness and pervading sense of insecurity. She’d thought it was normal, especially in this time of change and stress, so she didn’t want to bother anyone. And it’s the same now. She feels silly for not recognising the signs of anxiety.

She feels like she has been doing nothing but sneaking around, letting people down, pretending to be this kind, fun person, when really she’s been crippled with fear and she never wants to feel like this again.

Through tears, she drafts an email.

‘Coach Hoffman,

I would like to apologise again for my behaviour yesterday. I let the team down and I will never forgive myself. I do not mean to be disrespectful to your authority, but clearly I can’t handle the additional pressure so I am not the right choice for Captain. Respectfully, I decline the position.

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