Page 83 of Couple Goals

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Jacob and if it felt like I was abandoning you for Kira,’ she says. ‘I love you too.’

They toast and finish their Tigresses, and Adriana sighs to herself.

‘Wait, Maeve, howisyour ankle?’ asks Adriana, realising they haven’t even touched on that.

‘Oh, they think it’ll be okay,’ says Maeve, glancing down at her bandage. ‘Thankfully it’s not fractured, but I’m going to have to do some rehab. I’ll be out until Christmas. But… maybe it’s a silver lining for me to have a bit of a break from pushing myself.’

Adriana smiles at her, nodding. It feels like a natural moment for them both to talk about the reason for Adriana leaving the pitch now, but Maeve doesn’t want to be insensitive. She studies her friend’s face. It feels strange, after laughing about their dating lives, to remember her friend collapsing on the pitch just a few days ago.But she knows all too well that someone can be suffering and put on a brave face. She hopes that now their friendship has thawed again, they can talk more openly.

‘And… Sunny, how are you?’ The question hangs in the air.

Adriana takes a deep breath. ‘I’m doing better now, but… yeah, it was a panic attack.’

Maeve puts one hand to her mouth, then with the other reaches for her friend’s hand over the table. She stays quiet, letting Adriana continue.

‘I haven’t had one like that before,’ Adriana shakes her head, ‘but, when I was talking to the club doctor more, I realised I have been having symptoms on and off for a long time now. And in the last few weeks it’s really gone–’ she points dramatically upwards. ‘Through the roof.’

Maeve nods, adding gently, ‘Is that when you get breathless sometimes?’

Adriana nods, squeezing her friend’s hand. ‘Yeah, it seems to me like it’s all connected to feeling upset, out of control, often if I… if I feel like people are angry with me.’

Maeve flinches, feeling guilty if she contributed to that in any way.

‘I didn’t know it would lead to something like that, obviously,’ Adriana confides. ‘I didn’t even realise really that it was all connected to stress, I just thought… Oh, I don’t know, that I was being too sensitive, or too dramatic? That I should just try to distract myself, or that if I just ignored it all it would go away…’

Adriana pauses then laughs weakly. ‘Turns out that isn’t the most effective treatment.’

‘I’m going to see a therapist, to have someone to talk things through with and hopefully get better at managing the symptoms or warning signs so I don’t give anyone or myself another scare anytime soon.’

‘So… you’re going to stay on the team?’ Maeve checks.

Adriana takes a deep breath and pulls her shoulders back. She meets Maeve’s eye, her expression honest and open and knows she has to be the same back.

‘Maeve, I know being Captain has always been important to you, and it’s been horrible having that taken away. But since the surprise of Coach appointing me, I’ve done a lot of thinking, and realised that I do want to accept. You have always encouraged me to take myself more seriously as a player, and I realise that this role would really feel like a positive step for me, to feel like I’m channelling my strengths into the team.’

Maeve feels a shadow of her mother, as if she’s sat with them, frowning at Maeve, telling her to sit up straighter to stand up for herself and fight. Her voice has been so loud in Maeve’s mind for so long that it’s overshadowed her own. Adriana’s success isn’t Maeve’s failure – quite the contrary. Maeve doesn’t have to be ‘captain’ of the team to be a valuable part of it.

‘Maybe for a time I was the right fit for Captain,’ says Maeve, thoughtfully. ‘Having someone solid and dependable when we were just,’ she shrugs a little, bashfully, ‘chugging along on our routines under Pappi.’

‘Moo, you were more than that – the team all respect you so much, and it did a lot to have you as such a reliable and cool-headed captain.’

‘Thank you for saying that,’ Maeve says softly. ‘I’m glad. But what we’ve learnt is, I’m no good at being the captain at the front of the ship when we’re on stormier seas. Coach Hoffman wants to put her own stamp on things. On a personal level, I actually think it’s going to be good for me. I can focus on the rehab for my ankle, and not have to feel like I’ve always got to be striving relentlessly, for some imagined perfection that doesn’t even exist. It’s like you’ve always said, always encouraged me to loosen up or I’ll break. I think that I broke. But now, I get to put myself back together in a way I can be more proud of.’

Adriana puts a warm hand on Maeve’s arm.

‘I’mproud of you,’ Adriana tells her friend. ‘I know it’s so hard for you to be able to be gentle with yourself like that. Have you… talked to your mum about it at all?’

Maeve sighs, shakes her head a little. ‘While you’ve been at your family’s recovering, I think it really showed for me how fucked up my relationship with mum is. There I was, withthisinjury, and all she could do was text me to remind me whatever the medical advice was, it was just a guideline and I should try to make it back quicker to show I was diligent.’

Adriana clucks her tongue with repressed anger.

Maeve shakes her head. ‘I have a lot of talking and letting go to do and the stuff with my mum is definitely going to be a process for sure. But I think it’s also showing me how deeply these worries go for my mum,ofherfeeling like she was so easily replaced, she wants me to always be the best so that I don’t have to go through what she did. And… I want to talk to her about getting back in touch with my dad. I want to finally be able to talk to him. To even have him come to one of my matches one day.’

Adriana grips Maeve’s hand across the table, her blue eyes shining.

‘But suffice to say,’ Maeve says, as if coming back from her imagination. ‘I think it will be nothing but good for me, for the team, for everyone, to accept that I am not the best fit for captain any longer. You are. Not only do I truly believe you are, and have always been, a brilliant choice for Captain, you are exactly the captain the Tigresses need right now. We need you!Idefinitely need you.’

Adriana reaches her hands out to Maeve’s cheeks, clasping her affectionately, and Maeve holds them there with her own hands.

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