Page 39 of Sort of Seeing Someone

“Would you mind walking us through some of your products?” Mal asks, looking down at the coffee table. While we were talking, I hardly noticed a producer came on stage and set out a few things.

“Of course. These are my signature crystals: rose quartz, rutilated quartz, Tiger’s Eye, and red jasper. Sure, there are tons more crystals out there and someday I hope to carry a full line of them. But I’m a one-woman show who is just getting started. And I also make it a point to pre-charge my inventory. So, for now, I’m just focusing on the ones I find most impactful.”

“Pre-charge? What does that mean exactly?” asks Antonio as he picks up the rose quartz and inspects it like it’s a dead bug.

“I do a general intention ritual for wellness on all of them. So when they arrive to my customers, no matter what their skill or interest level is with crystal healing, the rocks allstart from a good place. If they want to do their own energy work on them, they can simply rinse the crystal under warm water for sixty seconds ahead of the next moon cycle and it’s considered a factory reset.”

“And what about this green bushel of…what is this, thyme?”

“Not quite, Antonio,” I say. “That’s a white sage smudge stick—especially useful in metropolitan cities where people are constantly moving to new apartments and condos and need to cleanse their space before settling in.”

“Can I get a few of these for my wife’s walk-in closet? That thing is one hell of a haunted house!”

Mal and Antonio laugh as I wonder at what point I should fake like I think they’re funny, too.

“And what about this?” Mal asks. “This is your crème de la crème, right? The ever-so-coveted Moon Batch Candle?”

“Yes, this is my signature product,” I say, picking up one of my candles. “It’s a twelve-ounce, hand-poured soy wax candle, so no two are exactly alike. In it, are pieces of crystals that have been charged by the moon. And they come in differentvariations, so customers can choose the crystal that reflects the specific energy healing they are seeking at that time.”

“Everyone loves a pretty candle,” Mal says. “Tell us, what’s the hardest part about running your business?”

“Time management. See, I’m still doing my other job, which is nannying my two nephews in Roscoe Village. But after my initial orders went out, I moved to a model where the products I sell are going to be moon-chargedby me, which means I get to ship everything out after the next lunar cycle comes and goes. This means just one trip to the post office per month—albeit it a very large one—instead of ad hocfulfillment. Some people may have to wait a little longer for their product depending on when in the cycle they ordered, but it will be worth it. At the end of the day, it’s more than justapretty candle,” I explain, borrowing Mal’s term.

“You’ve already mastered infusing crystals with powers to change people’s lives. You’ve got a candle empire in the works. Your herbs help people feel relaxed in their homes. What is it about you, Moonie?”

“I’ve got a great purveyor and an entrepreneurial spirit,” I answer.

“And I’ve got a great nanny and two kids, but that doesn’t automatically make me World’s Best Dad,” Antonio counters. “There’s got to be something more toyou, Moonie Miller. What exactly is it?”

I was given a copy of the questions ahead of time. This one was not on it. I pause and wonder if now is the time I should go intoExexveei. Right here? Right now? Live on regional television? Before I can make a decision, Mal chimes in.

“She must be awitch.”

“Huh?” I ask. My voice feels quiet, like maybe they cut my mic.

“Thatwouldmake sense,” Antonio concurs. “I mean, look at her costume.”

“This is just my outfit,” I clarify.

“All that’s missing is two braids down the sides and she’s a version of Wednesday Addams!” he continues on.

I don’tthinkthe Addams family were witches, but now that Antonio has remarked it, here’s to hoping my Instagram inbox doesn’t get bombarded by freaks with Cosplay fetishes.

My mouth goes dry and I fall silent as I look toward the producer sitting at the helm of the in-studio audience for direction. He makes a rolling motion with his arms as if to say “wrap it up.”

“So what’s next for Chicago’s most popular witch?” Antonio asks.

“I’m not a witch,” I say, my voice still feeling only slightly above a whisper.

“Adopting a black cat? Riding a broomstick to avoid traffic on I-90?”Mal continues the shtick.

Antonio nearly spits out his coffee as he sets his mug back on the table. I look back over to the producer for a lifeline. He lifts his hands in an “I give up” kind of manner, leaving me alone to fend for my dignity.

“I’m quite allergic to cats, actually. And as far as my next steps, I’d love to do some in-person work.”

“In-person work. Is that witch-speak for:you want to put spells on people?” Antonio jokes. “Because if so, I’ll pay big money for some abracadabra that keeps my wife from nagging me while I’m trying to watch the Bears.”

“Kathy’s going tokill youfor that one!” jokes Mal, as she laughs and nudges Antonio in the arm.

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