Page 34 of Sinister Promise

If he found me, maybe that dresser with its mountain of clutter would make enough noise to give me the warning I needed to escape or fight back.

I took the gun out of my waistband andjust held it in my lap.

For a moment, I lifted it away from my body, like it might bite me.

Before grabbing this one off of that desk , I’d never held a gun before.

I never even had the desire.

The closest I had come was maybe a paintball gun at Bradley Foster's fifth grade birthday party.

What had happened to that shy little girl who was afraid to shoot a paintball gun at her classmates?

Now she was sitting here holding a pistol that had been used to kill someone just a few hours ago.

I had witnessed a grisly murder and how did I respond?

By sucking the murderer's cock.

More tears burned behind my eyes as I grieved that innocent little girl who’d had such a bright future ahead of her.

That wasn't me anymore.

Somehow, I had become this.

A broken husk of a woman desperately trying to make ends meet and having to deal with mobsters and murderers and…

"Seriously, what the fuck just happened?" I whispered aloud, as if the gun could actually answer me.

The events of the night played in a vicious loop over and over in my mind.

Starting with the first gunshot.

The blood.

Pavel opening the door. Meeting his eyes.

His mouth on mine, the way he tasted of mint and coffee.

The strength in his hands when he grabbed me and the way I had let him?—

I gritted my teeth, swallowing down the shame burning in my throat.

I should have bitten him.

I should have clawed at him, fought him off.

Anything.

I should've done anything other than let myself drown in the moment.

No, it was so much worse than that. I didn't let myself drown in the moment.

Drowning in the moment would have been acceptable.

It would have meant I was forced to do something against my will, and I shut myself off mentally and emotionally.

Drowning would have meant I compartmentalized and hid my mind from what was happening.

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