Page 58 of Emma on Fire

If they both set themselves on fire, the story would go viral beyond Emma’s wildest hope. A protest movement that began at Ridgemont would spread throughout the world, faster than any flames.

But Rhaina would be dead, and it would be Emma’s fault. Some of the disturbing comments people made on her videos come back to her now. What about that other kid who’d written about catching the bus? And the ones who said they wanted to be as brave as she was? The one comment just today about taking a toaster bath?

What if they, like Claire, felt they couldn’t bear to live another day? Then their deaths wouldn’t be about protest. They’d be deaths of despair. Deaths that she ushered into existence.

The banging on the door gets louder. She can hear shouting. The doorknob’s twisting. The barricade of desks won’t keep them out for long.

Emma gathers herself. Turns her attention back to herlive stream. “I’m sorry,” she says again. “It turns out that it’s kind of complicated to try to kill yourself in front of thirty thousand people—go figure. There are people online telling you to do it. And there are people pounding on your door, screaming at you not to. And then there are others—friends, maybe, or total strangers—who are telling you that they want to do the exact same thing.” She swallows. The aching lump stays right where it is. “I don’t want anyone to copy me. I want to be the reason the world changes, not the reason a bunch of kids die.”

ME ME IMMA DO IT TOO

god is the only perfection repent

CHAPTER 49

EMMA STARES INTO the camera, wishing she could see everyone out there watching. She reaches into the pocket of her backpack. Pulls out the 1933 Zippo that her grandpa bought at a New York auction house and left her in his will. She spins the roller. It sparks, but there’s no flame.

“I want to do this,” she says quietly. “I’ve been planning it for months.” She holds her wounded arm up to the camera. “I freakingpracticedfor it. But that’s because I thought my death might inspire people to fight for their lives. And somehow, instead, it feels like I might inspire more people to die.” She leans forward, and her voice is urgent, the hollow feeling in her belly beginning to fill up for the first time since Claire died.

Rhaina is hurting. Rhaina, whom she’d never given asecond thought to, unless it was to make a French horn joke. Rhaina was walking around with all the pain, and all the devastation that Emma herself had—but she was better at hiding it, better at keeping her head down and her mouth shut. Better at pretending everything was just fine … just like Claire.

Emma’s breath catches in her throat as she remembers that Rhaina has a little sister. She saw her at freshman orientation, following in Rhaina’s path, watching as her older sister pointed out buildings, told her the best places to grab lunch or get a coffee. If Rhaina follows Emma’s lead, her little sister will be left holding this feeling, the one that Emma’s trying to escape.

And the kid who is going to catch the bus.

And the one with the toaster next to the bathtub.

And their siblings and parents and families and friends will all be left with his horrible, lonely question,Why?And even worse,What could I have done differently?

Emma’s message will catch, she’ll go viral in more ways than one. She’s not going to inspire people to save the planet or change the course of the human race. She’s going to encourage them to die, to spread misery and self-doubt. Emma thinks about Rhaina, how Emma screamed at her about climate change, tearing through the alphabet, rambling about what she thought was important—and completely missing the person right in front of her.

A person who needed help. A person who has a little sister, a family. A person whose loss would hurt the world so much more than she knows. All along, Emma’s been missing the big picture; she was trying to save the world, and not helping the people right in front of her. She snaps to attention, eyes refocusing.

“Listen to me, please. This is so important. We can’t give up. We may feel hopeless, but we aren’t helpless. It’s not over yet. Let’s decide to take charge. Let’s decide to make a change. For my sister. For us. For the whole entire world. One person can make a change, one persondoesmake a difference. And that person is you. Watch out for each other. Pay attention. Take care of each other. Ask someone if they’re okay.”

She lets silence fall for a moment. She snaps the lid down on the lighter, then looks directly at the camera.

“Rhaina, don’t do it,” she says.

Then she reaches out and tapsFINISHwith her fingertip.

She bows her head. It’s over. She failed.

Slowly she stands up. She pulls the desks away from the door, which immediately swings open, revealing Thomas, Jade, Celia, and Hastings.

Thomas’s arms are around her before she even has time to react. Hastings brushes past her to grab her lighter from the floor, where she dropped it. “We need to get you to a hospital,” he says.

“You don’t,” she says. “I’m fine. I’m really, truly okay. I’m not a danger to myself, or to anyone else. I mean that. I was … I was wrong. I shouldn’t have made those threats. I didn’t realize what they would do to other people.”

Hastings, whose hair is sticking up all over and whose shirt looks like it has been wadded up in a corner, stares hard at Emma’s face, searching for signs of deception. She stares right back. She can see worry, still etched into his brow. And a glimmer of hope in his watery blue eyes.

“You need to find Rhaina,” she says urgently. “Rhaina Johnson, I think she lives in Briar. She’s not okay.”

Hastings nods, pulls out his phone.

“And Olivia, my roommate,” Emma says, words flowing more easily now. “She’s not okay either. She’s got an OnlyFans, she’s trying to help pay for tuition. Maybe you could find a scholarship so she doesn’t feel like she has to—”

“Dear Lord,” Hastings says, his hand coming up to his forehead. “Okay, thank you, Emma. Thank you for looking out for others. Wozniak and Jones are on the way to Rhaina’s room right now. Olivia we can deal with later, but right now, you are my biggest concern, and my most important responsibility—and we need to get you to a hospital.”

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