Page 105 of Arrogant Puck

I’m silent, trying to piece together words that make sense, trying to explain something I don’t even understand myself. How do I tell her that watching her walk past me like I don’t exist makes me want to tear my own skin off? How do I explain that the thought of her leaving makes me feel like I’m drowning?

“Answer me!” she shouts, stepping closer. “Tell me why you think pills are the answer when things get hard!”

“Because I can’t fucking think knowing that you’re mad at me!” The words explode out of me. “Because every time I look at you, I lose my goddamn mind!”

“So, you get high?”

“So, I don’t do something stupid!”

“Like what?” She’s in my face now, her chest heaving. “Like threaten more people? Like destroy more lives?”

“Like this!” I grab her face in my hands and kiss her hard, desperate, tasting the disgust on her lips.

She pushes against my chest, breaking the kiss. “Stop it! You can’t just—you can’t just kiss me every time you don’t know how to use your words!”

“Then tell me what words to use!” I’m shouting now, my voice cracking. “Tell me how to explain that I can’t breathe when you’re not here! That I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you! That the thought of you leaving makes me want to burn this whole fucking world down!”

“That’s not love, Slater! That’s obsession!”

“Then what is it? What do you call this thing that’s eating me alive?”

“It’s grief!” she screams back. “You’re grieving your brother and you’re using me as a distraction! You think if you can control me, if you can keep me here, it’ll fill some hole that Archer left behind!”

The words hit me fucking hard. “Don’t you dare—”

“It’s true! You know it’s true! You’re so terrified of losing someone else that you’re trying to own me instead of loving me!”

“That’s not—”

“Isn’t it?” Her voice breaks. “You bought me furniture to make me dependent. You threatened my boss to prove your power. You took pills because I had the audacity to ignore you for one morning!”

“I was trying to help you!”

“By controlling me! By making decisions for me! By acting like you know what’s best for my life!”

I rake my hands through my hair, pulling hard enough that it hurts. “I don’t know how to do this! I don’t know how to care about someone without destroying them!”

“Then learn!” She’s crying now, tears streaming down her face. “Figure it out! Because this—whatever this is—it’s killing both of us!”

“You want me to figure it out? Fine!” I slam my palm against the wall, the sound echoing through the kitchen. “You want honesty? Here’s honesty: I’m fucked up, Sage. I’m so goddamn broken I don’t know how to function without hockey or pills or something to numb the pain. And yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I am using you to fill the hole Archer left behind.”

She flinches like I’ve struck her.

“But you know what else?” I step closer, my voice dropping to something raw and desperate. “Maybe you’re using me too. Maybe you’re so scared of being alone, so tired of running from one disaster to the next, that you’ll take whatever scraps of affection I throw your way.”

“That’s not—”

“You had a dozen chances to leave, Sage. A dozen opportunities to walk away from the dangerous, fucked-up, arrogant fuck who’s nothing but trouble. But you stayed. You kissed me back. You let me build you furniture and make you lunch and pretend we could be something real.”

“Because I wanted it to be real!” The words tear out of her. “Because for five minutes I thought maybe I’d found someone who saw me as more than just another problem to solve or person to fix or—”

“I do see you!”

“No, you don’t! You see what you want me to be! You see someone you can save so you don’t have to save yourself!”

My teeth grind as I stare at her. Because she’s right. Because I’ve been so busy trying to fix her problems that I haven’t dealt with a single one of my own.

“So, what now?” I ask, my voice hoarse. “You leave? Go back to California and pretend this never happened?”

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