Page 39 of Meet me at the Seaside Cottages

Dwight has to be careful to lock the doors every day so the pups can’t roam, as they start to get more mobile – and so that Felicity can’t get out again, observes Jack Meakin gravely,seeing as that dog is basically a whore, and he is told to hold his wheesht by the ladies from the knitting circle and he says he can only say things as he sees them so they can blooming well hold theirs and Jean nearly punches him in the face, which would have proved his point so everyone is glad she didn’t.

But the person who is over every day is Essie. Making sure the children don’t get too handsy; that Felicity is fed and comfortable and, unavoidably, to hear Dwight stamping about, touching things. Essie cannot help but wonder if he has the faintest idea what he’s doing.

18

‘Oh, lord.’ The man makes a groaning noise of pure delight.

‘Stop that, please,’ says Janey.

‘Honestly. I think . . . I think this is the best thing that’s happened to me in ages . . . ’

It is a running joke with her friends that, apart from the real sickos, audiology is the only department where people have a really great time. People really love getting their ear wax removed, it turns out. Something to do with the hot water, Lish avers. It reminds them of being washed as babies by their mothers. Plus, of course, the miraculous and instantaneous improvement. The heart surgeons and neurologists at the hospital get all the glory, they always reckon, but what gives patients the largest measure of happiness is undoubtedly a toss-up between getting their ears cleaned out and getting their toenails sorted when they can’t reach them.

‘Well, I’d rather they didn’t do the moaning and groaning,’ says Janey. ‘Especially the men. In fact I’d rather they just cleaned their ears properly so my waiting list could go down.’

‘You love it,’ teased Lish.

‘I do not,’ says Janey. ‘Also, it reminds me it’s as close to action as I’ve had in a while.’

Amsan pouts. ‘What about that puppy guy? He’s alright. Bit big.’

‘Ooh, I like a big man,’ says Lish. ‘Something to cling on to.’

‘I agree,’ says Janey. ‘I do too. It’s reassuring. I don’t think I would like someone like Timothée Chalamet. I’d be scared I’d break him.’

‘Yes,’ says Amsan. ‘That is for sure the only thing stopping you and Timothée Chalamet being together.’

‘Well,’ says Janey. ‘I don’t know. Puppy guy . . . he’s nice. But I think he’s a bit sad.’

Milton looks at her. ‘Divorced?’

‘I think so. Or separated, anyway. His wife and daughter don’t live with him.’

Milton frowns. ‘Is he a bad man?’

‘You’re asking me if they’re under the patio?’

‘You are kidding,’ says Amsan. ‘You live in that tiny village and nobody knows the gossip?’

‘It’s a town, not a village,’ says Janey quickly.

‘Come on,someonemust know.’

‘Also best you find out now rather than later. About the patio,’ adds Milton.

Janey finds she is perking up, just at the way people are talking about it. Like, why shouldn’t she date him or want to; why wouldn’t she? It’s a perfectly normal thing that might happen.

Then she remembers her imminent birthday, and it brings her back down to earth.

‘Oh, don’t be daft,’ she sighs. ‘I’m an old lady to him.’

‘Isn’t he about your age?’

‘Yes, that’s exactly what I mean,’ says Janey. ‘His ex-wife – I remember her. Really pretty, and young. He’s tall and he’s got his own teeth and hair and a house – oh, my God, he’s like an endangered species. Of course he’s going to want some lovely juicy thirty-something; he’s a human being.’

Milton frowns. ‘This seems strange.’

‘Milton,’ says Janey, ‘you have to realise how bad it is out there. He literallycouldhave buried his wife and daughter under the patio and women would still be like,well, yeah, but he’s so cute though.’

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