Page 13 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘I thought so too.’ Charley leant over the counter and looked down at Aisha’s phone. ‘Thinking of buying those? Ninety quid is a bit steep?’

Aisha snatched her phone up away from the kitchen side. She had forgotten she had extended the screen saver timer the other day when she was trying out a recipe and had meant to put it back to thirty seconds.

‘All right, touchy!’ Charley said, reaching for a mug and taking the rest of the boiled water for a coffee.

‘I thought it was “our money”,’ Aisha said.

‘It is. They’re just a bit expensive, that’s all.’

‘I wasn’t buying them – I was just looking. I’d like something similar when I start the restaurant.’

Charley’s silence was deafening.

‘At least say what you’re thinking,’ Aisha snapped this time.

‘That’s the joy of thinking – no one has to know.’

Aisha took the milk out of the fridge, squeezed out the teabag and added a splash.

‘You don’t want me to have dreams? Is that it?’

‘God no, Aisha. I love your dreams. Your dreams are my dreams.’

‘Yeah, so you say,’ Aisha mumbled.

‘I just want you to focus on the babies, enjoy them now, because they won’t be little forever, and you have all the time after that to focus on your career. You wanted them so badly, and now they’re here…?’

‘And what? You didn’t want them, is that what you’re saying? I’m thirty years old, Charley! If I don’t start at least thinking about the business now, it will be too late! I’ll be nearly thirty-five by the time the boys go to school and I have some time to spare.’

‘That’s if we don’t have any more,’ Charley quipped.

‘God no!’ Aisha said too quickly and too loudly. She saw Charley’s expression: a mixture of relief and surprise. ‘What I mean is, I think we’ve been lucky getting two at once. I don’t think we need any more children. Do you want any more?’

Charley shook her head. ‘Two’s good for me. And stop worrying about your age – thirty-five isn’t old, and you’ll never look older than forty as long as you live.’

‘Well, it’s okay for you. You have your career, and it’s not as if you really wanted them in the first place, did you?’ Aisha spat out the words she had been holding on to since they first found out she was pregnant.

‘Come on, now. I love our boys.’

‘Now, but you would have been happier without them?’ For some reason, Aisha felt an incessant need to keep pushing and pushing.

‘I was always happy with just us; I didn’t have the same… needs as you.’

‘Well, sorry for wanting a family!’ The volume in Aisha’s voice had gone up.

Charley backed away.

‘I wasn’t as keen to start a family as you were, that’s no secret, but I’m glad they’re here. We have some really exciting times ahead of us. Let’s just be grateful for what we have and live one day at a time, okay?’

Aisha had her back to Charley but even without seeing she could feel that she had turned and was walking away. For a split second, she had wanted to turn and grab Charley, pull her into an embrace and tell her she was sorry. But instead, she let Charley go and felt the gap opening up between them.

* * *

Later that day, as Aisha was calming down after her cross words with Charley, she began to assess her emotions, tried to break them down so she could work out what was really eating her up. And as she did, she felt a strange longing, a need to speak about the man from the street. Under normal circumstances, these were the sort of things she would talk to Charley about. But after the falling-out and how stupid Charley had managed to make her feel yet again about simply looking at some coloured tumblers, Aisha stopped herself bringing anything up on the several occasions throughout the rest of the morning and into the afternoon they crossed paths. Each time, she could feel a void deepening between them. She felt like a stranger around Charley these days. Charley manged to keep acting and looking like the same person she always was, whereas ever since Aisha had become a mother, she felt like she’d stepped into someone else’s body. She was probably just tired and hormonal, and she needed someone to reaffirm that.

She messaged the girls on the 3 a.m. Mums’ group.

2.55 p.m. – Aisha:Hey, ever feel as though you’re going totally mad?

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