Page 15 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

* * *

Back at home later that afternoon, Mel allowed a slight tingle of excitement to sweep through her as she began putting down the dates of gigs in the calendar. It was as though she had opened herself up to opportunity.

Now she had the shows to think about, they managed to keep most of the negative thoughts at bay. As soon as she had agreed to one gig, then they just came flying in. She was now booked up from April to September, putting on her Adele tribute act and burlesque dancing twice sometimes three times a week. She was confident that at three months old, Skylar was showing signs of a good night-time routine. She could hardly believe her luck, really. Daz would do the 10 p.m. feed on the weeknights she was out, and she would do the early-morning feed when she came home. Of course, she would be exhausted, but eventually it would get easier. And if it meant she could return to her beloved gigging, then she was happy.

Of course, as she noted down the latest bookings, there was the slight niggling feeling that she had been trying to ignore. The incident that had occurred on her final gig. She still felt the twinges of something in her gut, the reminder of what had happened that last night she had performed, and now she knew she was almost certain that the perpetrator was Sophy’s other half, well, she just couldn’t bring herself to tell lovely, kind Sophy. How would that make her look? She already knew how some women viewed her: as someone who was gagging for it, as harsh as it sounded admitting it to herself, it was the truth. Mel knew she emitted a certain look that some women took to mean she was a husband stealer. She was certain that Sophy would perceive her that way too and think she had been responsible for what had happened.

She had been six weeks pregnant; she knew she had to stop the dancing, no one wants to see a dancer with a massive belly. She was feeling as sick as dog, anyway. But then it happened, and by the end of that night, she went home feeling as though she wanted to rip herself inside out. She hated her body, for what it had attracted, for what that man felt he had the right to do. Of course, she didn’t tell Daz. He was still none the wiser even to this day. She wasn’t sure exactly what he would have done if he did know – he wasn’t the kind of guy to get into brawls or confrontations. She was able to block all thoughts of Jeff when she was with Daz. It was in her blood, the ability to switch emotions on and off. The show must go on and all that. It was what she did. If she couldn’t perform, she would shrivel up and die. As much as she loved the bones of her daughters – and she did with a fierce lioness’s force; she wished to protect those girls from everything that was bad in the world – she knew she couldn’t live every moment of her life for them. Doing things for herself was what made her. Mel always felt like a much better mum when she could go away, do something creative. And every time, she would come back, refreshed, ready to perform her duties much better.

* * *

That night, Mel had tried to put Skylar down after her 10 p.m. feed, but instantly, she could sense something was different. The baby seemed fractious and unsettled. It took Mel a good half an hour of extra burping, then cuddles, and before she knew it, Mel was walking the length and breadth of the house just to get her back to sleep.

‘Good grief, Skylar, why are you testing Mummy this evening. I thought we had come to an understanding – I feed you and you go back to sleep until morning.’ But Skylar whinged on until eventually she tired herself out again and was a dead weight on Mel’s shoulder. When Mel put her down in her cot, she could feel a little milky dribble damp patch on her shoulder. She stripped off her top and threw it in the laundry basket and pulled a white vest out of her drawer. Daz was already asleep on his side of the bed, snoring inoffensively. Mel knew she was lucky, that Daz may not have been everyone’s idea of a sex god, but she still fancied him, and besides, he was a steady guy, who always put the toilet seat down and didn’t move furniture with his breath when he slept.

* * *

Mel was startled awake. She looked at her phone. It was just after midnight. Sky was crying in the cot next to the bed. Mel jumped up and lifted the baby up to her chest. She wasn’t wet, but she couldn’t be hungry again after two hours. Mel lay Sky down on her bed whilst she pulled her dressing gown on. Sky opened her lungs and an almighty cry exploded from her mouth.

‘Okay, okay, sweet one.’ Mel lifted her back into her arms and hurried out of the bedroom, just as Daz began to stir. Leia’s door was ajar as Mel tiptoed onto the landing; Skylar was feeling a little more settled in her arms. Leia’s little face was peeking from the gap in the doorway.

‘Is everything okay?’ she whispered. Her dark raven hair was pulled up into a messy bun, almost identical to the way Mel wore hers.

‘Yes, she’s just a bit unsettled.’

‘Okay,’ Leia said, Mel could tell she was still half asleep. It was times like these Mel wondered what the hell she had done having another kid when she had an almost teenager who slept most of the day, their two worlds were so far apart. But Mel walked downstairs and began the pacing of the house again, listening to the creaking of the radiators that were still kicking in during the night as the temperature dropped. Perhaps that was what had woken Sky – she was chilly. Mel took another blanket from a pile in the lounge and wrapped it around Sky.

She began her shhh-shhh sound, which Daz claimed drove him to distraction and Leia said made her sound a little bit mental. ‘Why would any kid want to hear that noise in their ear? It must be pure torture,’ Leia had said only last week as Mel did the ‘shhh and drop’ walk as Leia named it, because she would take long strides but slacken her legs slightly with every step, so Sky would drop ever so slightly, hopefully sending her off to sleep. Daz and Leia had looked on in wonderment.

‘You look like Liam Gallagher; you’re walking like him,’ Leia had said. ‘And you’re dribbling as you shhh. You’re a drunk Liam Gallagher. I’m going to video this and put it on TikTok.’ Leia pulled out her phone and started filming, the camera shaking as she laughed.

‘Do not make me into a TikTok video, Leia, or I will ground you for life, so help me,’ Mel had seethed.

At that, Daz and Leia had lost it and were holding one another up laughing.

Finally, after twenty minutes of walking, Mel felt the weight of Sky on her shoulder and her breathing had become slow and heavy. She took her back upstairs and lowered her into her cot, where she remained asleep.

* * *

Mel sat bolt upright.

‘What?’ she called out to the room. Daz stirred next to her but didn’t wake. Skylar was screaming again. Mel looked at her phone. It was 2.21 a.m. She jumped out of bed and lifted Skylar out of the cot.

‘Shhh,’ she whispered. Mel had fallen back to sleep with the dressing gown on, so she wrapped it around her and Sky and paced the bedroom. The cries continued, so Mel grabbed her phone and headed back downstairs again.

She had a few bottles made up in the fridge for the morning, so she whipped one out and into the microwave for thirty seconds to take the edge off it. She knew that’s not how the formula milk companies recommended you do it, but Mel was past caring, and after breastfeeding Leia, had prepared formula exactly the same way. She shook the bottle, took a sip to test it and popped it in Skylar’s mouth. She took the bottle and Mel walked through to the lounge, flopped onto the sofa, and leant her head back against the soft fabric. She must have dropped off again, as her head jerked forward as Sky spat the teat out. She was asleep. Mel reached for her phone: 2.53 a.m. She bashed out a message to the girls.

Mel:Mayday, Mayday, is anyone out there?

The response came quickly from Aisha.

2.55 a.m. – Aisha:I’m here settling the twins downstairs. I know I shouldn’t have, but I’ve put on the TV for a bit of extra comfort.

Mel shook her head at Aisha worrying about what she should and shouldn’t do. Who or what book told her she couldn’t put her TV on at three o’clock in the morning?

2.57 a.m. – Mel:You do what you gotta do, girl, to get through.

Another message pinged through from Aisha.

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