Page 17 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘I get it, as I said, I’m one of six. I know what it can do a woman’s body. Anyway, try and rest – just the one you got is it?’

Sophy instantly thought of Aisha with her twin babies. One baby was hard enough. She reminded herself she needed to book in a date where Mel, Aisha and she could all go to a baby group together.

‘Yes, my first. It’s… hard.’

‘I get ya,’ Niall said, still holding onto the tripod and camera. Sophy looked at it.

‘Here, let me.’

‘Just tell me where to put it.’ Niall looked towards the house.

‘Erm, okay, can you stick it on the island in the kitchen? I need to erm… edit.’ Sophy realised she sounded ridiculous.

Sophy walked behind Niall, the camera and the tripod in his hands, his dusty khaki combat pockets swishing as he walked.

‘Are you one of those YouTubers?’ Niall asked as he set the equipment down on the island. Sophy clicked the camera out of the tripod and inspected it for damage, turning it on and breathing a sigh of relief as the screen came to life.

‘Not so much YouTube as Instagram?’ Sophy asked as though Niall wouldn’t have heard of such a thing.

‘Oh right, yeah, me brother is on that. I’ll have to ask him if he’s heard of you.’

Sophy let out a small laugh. ‘ThisGirlThisBody,’ she said.

Niall looked her up and down quickly. ‘Beg ya pardon?’

‘Oh, sorry, I thought you were savvy with the Insta thing, that’s my handle. @ThisGirlThisBody.’

Niall pulled his mouth down and shook his head. ‘Sorry, it’s wasted on me. Not your body.’ Niall looked flushed, and Sophy felt herself redden as well. ‘The thingy, the handle? I’m not au fait with the whole social-media stuff. I make walls and floors and cupboards.’

‘Well, I’d say you made a good career choice. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.’

‘Oh right, how so?’

Had she really just admitted that to a complete stranger? But she had already just admitted to him that having Max was hard. She hadn’t even said as much to Jeff yet.

But Niall seemed… nice. Like the sort of person who would be easy to talk to. She felt a strange sort of comfortableness around him.

Sophy took a deep breath.

‘Well, it’s a lot of pressure to look and act a certain way and people have expectations you know, like I have to post regular content to keep the audience figures up, so I get the sponsorship, but well, the truth is, I’m sort of struggling with what I want to say. I’m so tired, and everything feels fuzzy and hazy most days.’

Niall nodded. ‘I getcha. You’re a new mammy, your mind’s all over the place – the last thing you should be doing is all that media stuff. You should be on maternity leave or something.’

Sophy looked down, suddenly feeling ashamed. It was strange that she felt an overwhelming desire to keep working when Max was still so little. There were a myriad of reasons, but the two that stuck out were her fear of falling off the Instagram merry-go-round if she kept a low profile for a while. Then there was the other reason. Which she didn’t like to think about for too long, but as she was here, just chatting to Niall as though she and he had known each other for a lifetime, she felt the uncertainty of her and Jeff creep in again. How things between them felt different now Max was here, as though all they were ever really supposed to be was just a fling and maybe being a family was something that she tried to make happen rather than something that should have happened organically.

She shoved that thought away as quickly as it entered her mind, because dwelling on the negative things was never going to help them through this blip. And it was just a blip. She was sure of that.

Instead, she said, ‘I can’t just leave it, I have no one else to take it over, and, well, it’s my sort of only income. It’s tricky with social media, when it’s just you, you see. I can’t really get someone to pop in and take my place for six months.’

Niall nodded as though he understood, then he looked around the kitchen where they stood. ‘I s’pose your old man will see ya right.’

How could she explain when she wasn’t even sure herself what she was trying to say or how she felt? Because yes, to the outsider, she had a roof over her head and a new baby. She shouldn’t really need any more. And yes, Jeff provided. But it just didn’t feel right. Because it never felt as though it washerhome. Jeff always made her feel as though he were doing her a favour.

‘Yes, yes, he does.’ Sophy sighed. ‘I just worry too much. Maybe you’re right, I will take a bit of time off.’

Niall just smiled at her, and suddenly Sophy felt as if she needed to breathe a little quicker.

‘Anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I don’t even know you,’ she said to laugh away some of the fluttering in her stomach, which she suddenly acknowledged.

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