Page 21 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

As she stepped onto the street, Aisha saw the man standing on the corner at the far end of the road, facing her. He was wearing that hat again which flapped over his ears and a green coat pulled up to his neck. Again, it was hard to make out his face. She was headed in that direction, and suddenly filled with an intense desire to know who he could be, she began walking at a pace to the corner. The man had already gone by the time she reached it, and when she turned onto the next road, she could see no evidence of him. She stopped in the middle of the path and sighed. What was wrong with her? Why was she obsessing over this person? He obviously lived on the street, which had over sixty houses on it. Perhaps he just enjoyed watching people but had little social skills.

But what she was really thinking and had been for some time, she was far too ashamed to admit it to anyone. When she and Charley had picked the sperm donor for their twins, she always had this uncomfortable feeling about the father. What if they weren’t just a donor? What if they wanted more? She had mentioned it half-heartedly to Charley when they were searching through the files of the donors. ‘What if he comes looking for us, for his kid?’ she had said, trying to keep the tremble of concern out of her voice. Charley let out a loud trumpet laugh, and Aisha realised she thought she was joking. But she never was, and now it seemed as if her nightmare theory had come true.

So, when she arrived outside the community hall at quarter to ten as they had arranged, she was glad to see both Sophy and Mel were already there. The two of them were deep in conversation but stopped talking and stepped aside to make a gap for Aisha and the prams in the middle of them.

‘Hey,’ she said quietly.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ Mel said, perceptive as ever.

Sophy stepped closer to Aisha.

‘I think so… No, I am… It’s nothing,’ Aisha said.

‘Hey, hey, there’s no such thing as nothing. Your nothing is our something, I bet you any money,’ Mel said, and Sophy nodded. Aisha swallowed and began to speak.

‘Well, it’s stupid, really, but well, for a few weeks now – well, ever since I had the twins, so really it is probably just tiredness and paranoia – I’ve been seeing a man, lurking—Well, not lurking as such, it’s a free county, just standing on the street, at various points, sometimes looking at my house, sometimes just walking past and now, just now, before I got here, he was on the corner, and it looked as though he was waiting for me, but when I started walking towards him, he moved on, round the corner, then I lost sight of him.’

‘Hmm,’ Mel pondered.

‘Well, I’m sure you’re not imagining it.’ Sophy looked at Mel for reassurance and Mel nodded firmly. ‘Is it perhaps someone you know on your street who might just want to congratulate you on your babies?’ Sophy said, and Mel turned and looked at her, pulling her chin into her neck in disbelief and widening her eyes.

‘People don’t lurk on the street when they want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby. They knock on the door with flowers and balloons.’

‘I don’t think we should scare Aisha – she seems a bit shaken up already.’ Sophy put a hand on Aisha’s arm. Aisha noticed her nails were freshly painted a light pink.

‘Like I said, he wasn’t lurking, so I think I’m just being paranoid.’

‘Well, what do you think? Who do you think it could be?’ Mel said.

Aisha took a deep breath.

‘You want to know what I really think? I think it’s the babies’ sperm donor. I think he’s somehow found me and wants to know where his sperm went, but I can’t say that to Charley because—’

‘Hold up, wait a minute. Rewind, sister. Sperm donor?’

Aisha looked at the girls in turn. ‘Yes, sorry, I should have clarified that I didn’t conceive naturally, because I’m gay. Charley is my girlfriend. Sorry for not saying earlier. I just hate having to explain it when heterosexual people never have to.’

‘Oh, wow, Aisha, that’s amazing. I feel like I’m seeing you brand new all over again,’ Sophy said.

Aisha smiled coyly.

‘Shit! I’m so sorry. I presumed you were straight, didn’t I? And I was ranting about men being arseholes. Sorry,’ Mel said and put her arm around Aisha.

‘Oh, don’t worry, we have our moments, and we argue. In fact, that’s why I don’t want to say anything to her about what I’m thinking. She’ll think I’m mad.’

‘I don’t think the sperm people give out the addresses of the recipients to the donors. I mean, I’m no expert, but I’m just guessing that’s not how it’s done,’ Sophy said, and Mel nodded.

‘Oh no, you’re totally right. I just… like I said, I’m tired and I’m overthinking.’ Aisha began to turn the prams around. ‘We should go in.’ She immediately regretted saying anything – she must sound like a complete lunatic.

‘Yes, yes let’s,’ Sophy said and threw her coffee cup into a bin.

‘How can you drink so much of that stuff? I can manage one before my heart feels like it’s about to pop out of my chest,’ Mel said.

‘Decaf all the way, that’s how,’ Sophy said.

‘Oh wow, I would never have guessed,’ Mel said, sounding impressed.

Aisha pushed the pram in front of the girls and listened to Mel and Sophy chatting, wishing she could feel as carefree as they were. She longed to be able to stop worrying enough so that she could just enjoy one full day. Sophy jumped in front of her, opened the door to the community centre, and Aisha navigated the pram through the door whilst trying to push all thoughts of the man to the back of her head.

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