Page 28 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘This feels strange,’ Aisha said.

‘Really? Strange? Or familiar, wouldn’t you say?’ Charley said and turned to grin at Aisha. ‘It was nice of your mum to suggest we get some time on our own.’

‘Yes.’ Aisha laughed. ‘I think she might have been a bit tipsy from the rum in the ginger cake.’

‘She sometimes finds it hard though, doesn’t she, acknowledging us?’

‘She does. But I definitely sensed something change today. Did you sense it? I feel she may have turned a corner, finally seen us as parents and not just housemates. It’s been hard for her.’ Aisha felt her voice break at the last word and Charley squeezed her hand harder.

‘Do you ever wish things were different? I mean, it’s a complicated old set-up, your mum, cousins, sisters, and me?’ she said after a beat.

‘I wish so many things were different. I wish my dad had never left and that my mum hadn’t lost a tiny part of herself. You know it’s been twenty years this year since I saw my dad.’

‘I had no idea. I’m sorry.’ Charley gave Aisha’s hand another squeeze.

‘Oh no, it’s fine. I’m not marking it with some sort of ceremony. I mean, I remember him, what he was like when I was a kid. It’s just strange that he hasn’t been around for such a long time.’

‘Remind me, what was he like? You mentioned him in the beginning of our relationship, but you barely mention him any more.’

‘Because he’s not part of my life and hasn’t been for so long. But I remember him laughing. He had the loudest, kindest laugh.’

‘Ah, that’s lovely.’

‘But then I do remember the sadness too. The way his eyes would lose all their glow on some mornings. He would go for big, long walks. I thought the day he left, it was just another of those long walks. Except he never came back.’

Charley sighed. ‘And you’ve still never spoken to Martina much about this?’

‘She said it was a closed chapter in our lives. He had made his decision and we couldn’t change his mind.’

‘And you’ve never heard from him since?’

‘Mum said he moved back to Birmingham. Started a new life with another woman.’

Charley pointed to a bench. ‘Shall we sit here for a minute?’

The sat quietly. Charley closed her eyes and basked in the afternoon spring sunshine.

‘I love the boys so much, you know,’ Charley said after a minute.

‘I know.’

‘And I know you do most of the childcare, and I’m busy a lot, but my mind is always half on you, and if you ever need me, just come and find me. Don’t feel you have to do everything all the time.’

‘I know. But I can’t just keep bothering you all day, can I? I have to find a way.’

‘And you will find your groove eventually. But just know I am here, you know, Aish.’

Aisha closed her eyes and absorbed the warmth and energy of the sun. It felt very different not to be with the boys, and she felt freer than she had in weeks. So, she knew how easy it was for Charley to say the words she had just spoken, because Aisha felt it too; the freedom felt intoxicating. They truly were another version of themselves as they both sat without the responsibility of the two tiny babies. Charley had taken the afternoon off work to be here with her today. It was rare for her to do that, but tomorrow she would be back down in the basement again, away from the healing rays of the sun, away from the natural warmth that went straight into your soul and reminded you that you came from the earth and brought you right back down to it. Tomorrow, Aisha thought, Charley would forget this.

* * *

Charley was tucking Otis into the pram, helping them get ready to walk home, when Martina announced that there was an explosion in Jude’s nappy.

‘What! Again?’ Aisha said. The familiar tension that had momentarily faded on their walk was back. ‘I only had one spare suit and Jude has that one on. I can’t walk him back in the pram in just a nappy and blanket, it’s cooler now than when we left.’

‘Don’t worry, girl, I have a spare one – there should be one in the little basket next to my wardrobe. I kept a few of Ruben and Marcel’s suits – it don’t feel two minutes ago they was in nappies.’

Aisha went into Martina’s bedroom. The scent of vanilla was strong and through the thin patterned curtains that were closed bar an inch, the hazy afternoon light cast a streak of light across the room and landed on Martina’s bed. Aisha turned to the wardrobe at the side of the bed, and sure enough, there was the basket of clothes. She picked one Babygro off the top of the pile quickly and spun around to leave, and as she did, the sleeve of her cardigan caught a small bowl, which contained bits of jewellery, on the edge of Martina’s dressing table, sending bits flying everywhere.

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