Page 31 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘Max is crying, I need to feed him,’ she said as she sat back, wondering if she actually cared enough to try to make Jeff feel a little bit better about any of this, when she herself felt rotten, sore and exhausted.

Then Sophy felt a wetness on her chest and stomach as she looked down at the one exposed breast, which was leaking milk down into her belly button, the other breast was saturating her top.

‘Oh great.’ Sophy stood up, sending Jeff lurching backwards until he was sat back on the sofa again, his penis shrivelled in the middle of his thighs.

Sophy pulled off her wet top and stood there with milk dripping from both breasts. She hadn’t worn a maternity bra or any breast pads, thinking she would feel sexier without them. How wrong had she been?

‘I’m sorry, Jeff,’ she said as she walked from the room but as she turned back to wait for him to say something, anything, he was pulling his joggers on and was then back on the sofa with the remote in hand.

‘That was a bit mean, getting me all riled up and thennothing,’ Jeff snapped.

Sophy shook her head and ran upstairs. Max was flapping his arms around in the cot next to the bed, and so Sophy grabbed a towel, tucked it under one breast to catch the excess milk and keep from soaking Max’s Babygro, and latched him on to the other breast.

She sat there feeding Max, waiting for the guilt to come, for the part where she was supposed to start worrying about how she was ever going to make it up to Jeff. But there was nothing. She thought about the position she had just been in minutes before, under Jeff with his throbbing manhood waving about near her sore nether regions, and realised right there, with Max tucked into the crook of her arm, was exactly where she wanted to be more than anything.

* * *

When Max woke that night, Sophy smiled when she saw it was exactly 3 a.m. She bashed out a quick message on the WhatsApp group.

3.00 a.m. – Sophy:Hey girls, it’s exactly 3 a.m.! Max’s just woken up, this second! I fell asleep with him at ten. We had a full five hours. I’m going to feed him and hope I get a few more hours!

3.13 a.m. – Mel:Wow, that’s amazing. I’ve been up since 2.15. Skylar is wide awake! Been watching some trashy American thing and now made jam on toast and tea.

Sophy paused for a second and thought about what she wanted to say but wondered if it was appropriate. Then she thought about what Aisha had said in one of the recent messages about feeling safe telling her things. She bashed out the message.

3.15 a.m. – Sophy:Hey, Mel, is it normal that I don’t feel horny and all I want to do is cuddle my baby and not Jeff? I still feel sore.

Sophy sat and chewed the side of her finger, waiting to see if there was any typing. Minutes passed. Oh shit. She shouldn’t have said anything. That last comment was probably crossing the line. And Aisha would see it too. Oh Christ, was it too late to delete? She looked to see who had read the message, and she saw that Mel had. Fuck. The minutes ticked by and Sophy’s eyes began to close when she heard a soft ping.

3.23 a.m. – Mel:Absolutely not, babe. It’s your body and your choice. You should never compromise that for anyone. EVER.

Wow, Sophy hadn’t been expecting such a strong response. But she felt better.

3.35 a.m. – Mel:You should get checked out by the doctor if you’re still feeling sore, though. Promise me you will?

Sophy felt her heart swell with joy again. It felt good to be cared for by a female. In all her years of friendships, she had never experienced stomach flutters when talking with another woman. This was completely platonic, pure sisterhood love. And it felt great.

3.36 a.m. – Sophy:I will. I promise. x

* * *

‘I’m really sorry about last night,’ Sophy said to Jeff the next morning as he ate a bowl of cornflakes at the kitchen island at 6.30. She had been up with Max since five. He had managed another couple of hours. Which was fine. He’d go back down soon and Sophy could get herself showered and ready. Niall and his boys would be here in an hour and a half. Eight on the dot every morning, and Sophy hated the thought of not being dressed and looking semi-presentable when they, or anyone else for that matter, arrived so early and ready for work. She tried not to pay much attention to the nudging thought that it was indeed Niall who she did not want to see her looking any less than her best. It was a woman’s prerogative, after all, to look presentable for visitors.

Jeff mumbled something into his cereal bowl, and Sophy wondered for a moment why this was still his breakfast of choice when she had tried so often to interest him in so many other more nutritional options.

‘What?’ Sophy said.

‘I said, it’s fine.’ Jeff stood up and put his bowl on the counter directly above the very open and empty – because she had emptied it at 5.30 a.m. – dishwasher.

Sophy really wanted to make things right, to bridge this gap and for them all to feel close like a family should.

‘I will come to the charity thing. I’ll rally as many people as I can. I’ll invite my new friends, let’s make it the best one yet, hey?’ Sophy edged forward until she and Max were touching him.

Jeff welcomed Sophy and Max into his arms and they all stood there for a few moments. Sophy tried to breathe in his scent, to really appreciate the moment and the closeness they were all experiencing. Only instead, she wished there were someone close by so they could snap a photo of them, because this, Sophy thought, was the perfect Instagram image and would do wonders for her following.

* * *

Niall and his boys arrived at eight o’clock, as always. Sophy was showered and dressed and sat at the table eating a bowl of muesli.

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