Page 44 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘Well, that’s where years of camping comes in handy. We have one of those trolley things we took when we went to festivals – it’s like one you use at the garden centres to put your plants on, except it has sides,’ Aisha said.

Martina looked around the kitchen as though Aisha might have it locked in some special cupboard. ‘Sound ideal. Where is it?’

Five minutes later, Martina had managed to drag the camping trolley out of the shed at the bottom of the garden and up the garden path and through the house.

‘Careful, Mum, the paint!’ Aisha called after her as Martina pulled with vigour and force, not paying any attention to her surroundings.

‘There we go. Now you girls can do the stacking. I’ll go see to them babies.’

Charley and Aisha piled the trolley high with a picnic rug, plates and napkins, paper cups, cans of ginger beer and sparkling water and all the food.

By the time they had finished Martina was behind them with the babies tucked up in the prams.

* * *

Aisha had just finished laying everything out on the picnic blanket at the park when she saw Mel arriving. Mel parked up the pram and introductions were made all round. Daz shook Aisha’s hand, a nice subtle gesture, Aisha thought as she cast her mind back to the kiss she had received from Jeff when she had met him, an act that had occurred at the beginning of the night and one of the few things her memory had held on to. Mel seemed jittery when Aisha hugged her hello. She hurriedly squeezed Aisha and then began looking around. When Aisha asked after Leia, she was still distracted, so it was Daz who answered for her in the end, saying she was well and living her best tweenager life at a park as far away from her parents as was acceptable.

Martina had parked herself in one of the two deckchairs they had managed to squeeze into the trolley, with a large umbrella erected next to her.

‘She looks like the queen of Sheba sat there,’ Charley quipped to Aisha, who had to nod in agreement.

Everyone sat down and then Aisha saw Sophy trotting towards them, looking hot and harassed. She was on her own, pushing the pram.

When she arrived next to the picnic spot, Aisha was up on her feet and greeting her, followed by Mel. Mel introduced her to Daz and Sophy was her usual overtly charming self.

‘No Jeff?’ Aisha said, feeling a mixture of dejection and relief. She had been keen to meet Jeff again and to see Sophy and him together as a couple, yet she was still feeling a little awkward about the charity night and was worried Jeff might blurt out how pissed Aisha actually was that night in front of Martina and Charley.

‘No, I’m afraid he’s had to work at the last minute,’ Sophy said in a tone that sounded bright enough and had Aisha not been fully aware of how she herself plastered on a smile when she had been crying, she may not have noticed a redness to Sophy’s eyes or how jittery she also seemed.

But Aisha knew Sophy had been crying. Her eyes were normally so sparkly white, and her usually flawless make-up had definitely streaked. But Sophy managed to brush off her less-than-perfect appearance by talking about how hot the weather had turned and how her hay fever had kicked in good and proper.

Sophy had it spot on about the weather, which had brought a sun warm enough for all the babies to lie on the picnic rug in just their romper suits, with the prams used for makeshift extra shade, as Martina sat on unperturbed taking the lion’s share with her colossal umbrella.

‘This is so nice,’ Mel said, she seemed suddenly more relaxed than she had been minutes before Sophy arrived. Aisha knew she had been back to work this week but hadn’t really said very much about it to her or Sophy. Which was fair enough, Aisha thought, because it was always so busy with four babies when they were all together. With the partners and Martina here to help, and with Sophy and Charley already in deep conversation as though they had known each other for years, Daz had adopted the role of daddy day care, with four babies wriggling around on the rug.

Aisha sidled up to Mel. ‘Hey, how is work? I haven’t really had a chance to speak to you much about it.’

‘Oh.’ Mel’s face seemed to drop. ‘Yes, it’s been fine.’

‘Oh no, just fine? I thought you’d be thrilled to be back on the stage!’

Mel smiled. ‘Oh I am. Robbie had kitted out the green room – just for my return, it seems – and the crowd are still just as gorgeous as they always were.’

‘Oh good,’ Aisha said ‘I was worried about you, what with your leg and the time you have spent away from “the biz”.’ Aisha did quotation marks.

Mel laughed. ‘It’s just like riding a bike – you don’t forget.’

‘Aisha, baby!’ Martina pointed towards the rug behind Aisha where Otis had managed to squirm his way downwards and was almost on the grass. Aisha grabbed the escapee and looked up at her mum who was as vigilant as a lifeguard watching over a bunch of incompetent swimmers.

‘Got him!’ Aisha called to Martina. ‘I’ll keep hold of this one, I think.’ She laughed and watched as Mel laughed too, but with a sort of sadness in her eyes.

* * *

Aisha brought the chocolate cake out and succeeded on the third attempt to light the candles in the warm spring breeze. She summoned Charley over and they all sang happy birthday, with Mel adding the harmonies. Aisha looked on with delight as Charley revelled in the attention a little and she was glad she had made the effort for her. Charley had been invited out later with some of her uni friends, and so Aisha was making sure her stomach was well and truly lined. Not that Charley was a big drinker, on the contrary, but Aisha wouldn’t wish the hangover she had experienced a few weeks ago on anyone, let alone on the woman she loved. And Aisha realised again for the first time in a long time, seeing Charley fresh through the eyes of Mel, Daz and Sophy and even the beady eye of her mother – even though she desperately tried to pretend that the occasion hadn’t moved her – that she did truly love Charley so very much. Motherhood had challenged her in so many ways, but it was these occasions when she was able to bring herself away from the four walls and the reverberating incessant cries of the twins that she could see herself as the mother that she really could be. Confident and capable, and not worried about things she couldn’t control. But she knew there was one thing she could control:the letter she had taken from under her mum’s bed. Aisha knew she should speak to Martina and ask her outright, but why hadn’t her mum said something to her about this before? Why had she tried to hide so much from her own daughters? Maybe her sisters already knew. Should Aisha call them and ask them?

* * *

That night, Aisha lay with her body spooned into Charley’s, feeling all the tension that had slipped away for a few hours in the park crawl its way back into her body again. Whilst she was thankful that Charley had decided against going out drinking with her buddies all night, Aisha wished she could just enjoy the moment. Even when Charley whispered into her ear that staying in and having an early night had been the best birthday present she could have ever hoped for, Aisha hated herself for not being able to absorb her girlfriend’s words the way she used to.

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