Page 48 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

Mel looked at Sophy. ‘Well, I guess when you put it like that, it does sound as though I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m just going off the few things you’ve said about him, and well, I watched you both at the elephant event, and you seemed a bit… cold with one another.’

‘Cold!’ Sophy said and felt tears prickle in her eyes. The last thing she had ever wanted to be with a partner, the father of her child, was cold. Was that really what Mel saw?

‘Well, you know. You must have seen it, Aisha?’ Mel looked to Aisha with pleading eyes.

‘Oh, I wasn’t in a fit state to see much that night, let alone analyse people’s relationships.’ Aisha seemed to physically shrink into her chair.

‘I wasn’t analysing. It was obvious,’ Mel said.

Sophy sat tight-lipped for a moment.

Aisha took a deep breath. ‘Well, I thought he was very nice, from what I can remember, and to do that every year for elephants, he must have a very big heart,’ Aisha said, her eyes pleading with Sophy.

Sophy gave a weak smile and a small, tiny nod and then glanced quickly at Mel who held her gaze. How could she think all that about Jeff from meeting him once and for Aisha to have to have the exact opposite opinion? What was Sophy supposed to think? Oh, it was all so confusing. All she wanted was to be a happy family, of course, with Jeff. He was Max’s father, but she just wished… well, maybe things would be different, maybe this was what Jeff needed to see the error of his ways. And wasn’t it easy for Mel to think badly of others when she had perfect Daz, who had been an absolute hero on the picnic and held all the babies in turn whilst the women talked.

God no, what was she thinking? Why was she having these thoughts about Mel, who she had liked very much from the day she had met her and still liked very much? The thing that was getting Sophy down was that she didn’t want to fail. Being a failure was not on the agenda. And splitting up with Jeff meant that she would have well and truly failed.

She had thought that she had met a man who loved her, who she would stay with for life. Sure, things had been a bit tricky recently between them, with Max needing all of her attention and Jeff off sulking in the corner, but she could understand to a point how he might feel being left out. And yes, she was soooo tired all the time, like unbelievably tired; as though she were swimming underwater sometimes, everything felt muddy and unfocused. And the fact that she had these feelings towards Niall that would come in swells and stay with her for most of the day after he had left was just her hormones. Once she had stopped breastfeeding Max, she could give so much more of herself to Jeff.

Maybe she would try Max with a bottle tonight, and she would ask Jeff to come home. They would talk and make a plan. She would tell him there was no hurry to get her name on the house. Maybe Jeff could sell the house once the extension was done, and they could move somewhere closer to the countryside where Max could run around. Sophy had always wanted to live somewhere more rural. If Jeff could show an interest in elephants, then he might succumb to the idea of easier country living. They could get hens!

Sophy exhaled a long breath.

‘And to answer your question, Mel. Yes, I do love Jeff. Very much. I’m just a bit tired. I think Jeff is too. Having a new baby really turns your world upside down, doesn’t it?’

Aisha smiled. ‘Yes, it does. But you’re doing a wonderful job, don’t beat yourself up about it. Jeff just needs a little bit more time to adjust to everything that’s all.’ Aisha lay a comforting hand on Sophy’s leg.

‘I know, I know our lives have been turned upside down since Max’s arrival, and the extension is happening and he’s so busy with work, and then I throw in “put my name on the house” into the mix.’ Sophy did a strange high-pitched impression of a woman who she clearly did not think was her, and she managed to catch Mel’s eye again who gave her a weak smile that did nothing to back up Sophy’s own hopeless theory.

Mel then shifted in her seat, lifting Otis with her as she did, then let out a loud ‘Ewwwww!’ The other two women both spotted the disaster immediately. Otis had leaked bright orange poo straight through his romper and onto Mel’s white jeans.

‘I wore white jeans! For the love of god, what was I thinking wearing white jeans around four infants.’ Mel was holding Otis aloft like a prize. Aisha stood up, still holding Jude. She moved in front of Mel, and there were a few seconds of a failed attempt at a twin swap before Sophy stood up and took the clean twin, allowing Aisha access to the train wreck.

Sophy and Mel locked eyes for a second and whilst Sophy was sure there had been tension between the two of them before, whatever it was that was bugging Mel about Jeff was suddenly forgotten as she began to howl with laughter, which set Sophy off straight away. Aisha was trying to navigate the heavy nappy bag, swinging it onto her shoulder whilst keeping Otis off her clean clothes by holding him under her arm, bum facing up. She turned around and looked at the other two women. Sophy was practically convulsing, crossing her legs because the pelvic muscles still needed some work, and Mel was sitting with her hands held out, her eyes liquid with laughter, whilst the orange mass spread itself around the white cotton of her jeans. Aisha cracked a smile and then clearly found the scene too infectious and began to laugh as well.

* * *

Later on that afternoon, back at home, Sophy had written out the message she was going to send to Jeff. She’d edited it to perfection so there were no negative words; she was focusing on the positives and wanted to make sure she wasn’t backing him into a corner. Then she hit send.

She sat back and waited for the response, checking her phone every thirty seconds to see if the two ticks had turned blue.

Max was laid out on his play mat in the lounge. Sophy had some classical music on softly on in the background.

‘Just off then!’ came Niall’s voice from the doorway.

Sophy looked over and smiled, but she just couldn’t get it to reach very far. Which was unusual, as Niall would always leave her with a beaming face.

‘Long day?’ he asked, not daring to tread into the lounge with his dusty boots and overalls.

‘Every day is a long day with a little one.’

‘I bet it is, I bet it is. You look like you could do with cheering up?’

‘Do I?’ Sophy tried to smile.

‘You should come to The Tipperary tonight. Monday night’s a proper Irish night. Folk singing, dancing. Loads of children – you could bring little Max. Maybe see if your husband wants to take you out. I always find a good ol’ Irish knees-up brings me right back to me ol’ self.’

‘That’s because you’re Irish.’ Sophy laughed. ‘And he’s not my husband,’ she said more solemnly.

---