Page 52 of The 3am Shattered Mums' Club

‘Oh, so your mum kept them from you, did she? Can’t blame her really. How could you have known? You were a kid! Kids aren’t supposed to deal with all that stuff. Not at your age. I know not even Carmel and Laila knew much about it. Then, of course, Ruben and Marcel came along. Your mother had her hands full.’

‘I remember the day though as though it were yesterday. Mum was cooking dinner. You went out to the shops. You never came back.’ Aisha tried to steady her voice, but she heard the tremble and she knew Jon had heard it too.

Jon shook his head. ‘I wasn’t going to the shops. Me and your ma had talked the night before. She suggested I just slip away. Thought that maybe you lot wouldn’t notice if a waster like me wasn’t around any more.’

Aisha looked at Jon. ‘But you were ill. She shouldn’t have sent you away. She should have looked after you. We all could have looked after you.’

Jon shook his head again. ‘It wasn’t that simple, kid. I couldn’t stay, my head wasn’t right. I was making things too difficult for ya mum. She had enough kids to care for. She was better off without me. We agreed.’ Jon looked at Aisha’s forlorn expression. ‘But I s’pose in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the right thing to do. I was depressed, so I was hardly in any fit state to work out the best way to explain it all to you kids, was I?’

Aisha shook her head. She knew mental health was still a topic that people struggled to get to grips with, so it was almost understandable that her parents would not have been able to have that conversation with her and her two sisters back then.

‘So, it took you what? Twenty years to get your head straight, and now you’re what? Better?’ Aisha felt the sting in her tone. It was a lot to process in one go.

Jon frowned. ‘No, no, the depression don’t work like that. I finally got some help like, from the NHS, went to some seminars. And I’ve got tools now, like mental tools to help me deal with it. But it won’t ever go away, but I am different, stronger. I can finally go to work and earn a decent buck. You gotta remember, your mum and I was young when we got together. She had just arrived from Jamaica, but she had a strong support unit already there in Brixton, but all my family and friends were miles away back in Birmingham. It was hard trying to fit in with the way of life your mum had set up for herself. We had you girls pretty close together, and then the blues kicked in. It was nasty.’ Jon pulled his mouth down in disgust. ‘I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Gonna do a course, help other people so they can recover from it too.’

‘That’s nice.’ Aisha felt a pang of sadness for what her dad had gone through alone all these years and that he wasn’t bitter, that he now wanted to help others. ‘So, you went back to Birmingham? When you left us.’

‘I stayed with a few old workmates in London for a bit. I even went to Mexico for a bit, for work, bit of labouring. Tried to put you all behind me, but I couldn’t. I wrote to your mum a lot, gave her updates on how I was feeling. She never replied. Eventually, the years just rolled into one. I moved back to Birmingham about ten years ago now. Things didn’t get much better for a while, and I was just rolling from one job to the next. Eventually, I got the treatment. I’ve been feeling a lot better for a year or so now.’

‘That’s really great, Jon. I’m pleased for you.’

‘Yeah, it’s not been an easy ride, but I’m glad I stuck around, you know. That I didn’t check out early or anything. Anyway, then I got on the old internet, got myself a Facebook account. Our Carmel accepted me as a friend.’

Aisha felt a cold stab of jealousy that he would find her sister before her. ‘Figures. She loves a friend request.’

Jon laughed. ‘Yeah. I told her I was thinking about getting back in touch with everyone and she told me where everyone was, said if I was going to try and build bridges, I was to start with you and make my way up. Laila next. I never really knew Ruben and Marcel; they were tiny when I left. They don’t remember me.’

‘Marcel does,’ Aisha said looking at Jon. ‘He was six when you left. He used to speak about you.’

‘Oh,’ Jon said flatly. ‘Well, maybe, I dunno, we’ll see. Think I have enough on my plate with you three girls.’

‘Why didn’t you just knock on the door? I rarely check my Facebook.’

‘What, that fancy London gaff of yours? Na, too scared. I wanted to catch you on the street. I did eventually.’

‘Believe me, there are fancier gaffs than ours. And it’s gonna get less fancy as these two grow up.’

‘I know, it’s mad that I’m a grandad now.’

‘Carmel and little Hetty are coming to visit again next month. She’s really busy at the hospital – she doesn’t get a lot of time off.’

‘I bet. I bet. Listen, I’m sorry I startled you, kid. And when you see your mum, you mustn’t blame her for me not being around all this time. She had her reasons. Her sister was suffering as well, and you kiddies had to come first. I was neither use nor ornament in my condition, and by all accounts, you all grew up very well looked after with all those surrogate aunties and uncles.’

‘We were never short of visitors, I’ll say that. It’s funny, cos I thought I wouldn’t miss it, moving out of Brixton, and when Carmel and Laila moved away, I felt relief. But since having the twins and it being just us, I really miss the busyness of a family home. I miss people barging in and the endless meals that were cooked. There was always someone to talk to. So yes, you’re right, I was looked after. I was looked out for.’

‘That’s great, kid. That’s really great. Listen, I’d like to stay in touch like, proper, you know phone calls and that, does anyone do that any more?’

Aisha smiled. ‘I do. I’d like that. A phone call.’

‘Then maybe eventually another visit, so I can meet me grandsons proper like? And that lady friend of yours.’

‘She’s my girlfriend, Jon.’

‘I know, I know.’

‘Well let’s say ta-ra for now and be seeing you soon?’ Jon held out his hand from the other side of the bench. Aisha looked at it and then reached over and took it.

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