Page 36 of The Beach Holiday

I moved closer, a way of offering my services but knowing I had nothing to offer here. Kali was tying knots that made me wish I had concentrated harder in Girl Guides.

‘Hey, could you teach me how to tie some knots later?’

She had almost finished up. She looked at me suspiciously.

‘I mean, weather’s going to be bad all day, a way to pass the time maybe?’ I continued.

She gave a short, sharp nod.That will do,I thought.

I gave her a thumbs-up, looked into the distance and waited for the storm to come.

Despite Kali’s words earlier, the storm was fierce. It was loud, it was strong, and it was relentless. Everyone seemed to go about their day unaffected by the noise and rain, except Avril. She had appeared for breakfast when the first rumbles began and then became more agitated with every passing hour. At one point I clocked her and Mary under the kitchen gazebo. They seemed to be having a heated discussion because Mary went to walk away towards the woods, but Avril grabbed her arm, said something to her and she stopped.

I was not one to be able to sit still and so I sought out Kali after lunch and pinned her down to teach me some knots. She invited me into her cabin, albeit reluctantly. Mary was sitting in a chair in the corner sewing.

‘Sadie,’ she said warmly. Their cabin was slightly larger than mine. I felt sad at the prospect of the cabin only belonging to me now; I no longer had a buddy. They had two beds made up on the floor, a little more rudimentary than my own bed, which at least had legs. There was a small table in the corner and a chair where Mary sat with her clothes and sewing kit.

Kali brought in lots of rope and laid it out on the floor.

‘Right, let’s start with a basic. Reef knot.’

‘So what do you usually do with your time when things are wet like this?’ I heard a crack of thunder overhead and flinched. Kali glanced up at me.

‘There’s always something to do.’ She moved her hands slowly to show me the knot.

On my third attempt, I did it.

I let her show me a few more knots and we worked silently, as I copied each one. Then I asked, ‘Where did they bury Clara?’

I heard Mary move in her chair. Despite the rain lifting some of the heat, I felt a sudden oppression amongst the three of us and in the room.

‘They burned her body, Sadie,’ Mary said quietly.

‘Oh.’ My heart sped up. It felt as though it were in my throat. A lot of burning went on this island, usually where they were taking down foliage or the odd tree to make room for another building; they always planted more though, which was a good thing. But why hadn’t I known? I had seen smoke from the other side of the island a few times over the last few weeks. I had presumed it was trees. That could have been Clara then. An acidic taste was in my mouth, which I had to ignore as Kali was now in full swing, and in her element it seemed.

Kali demonstrated a more difficult knot twice more and then handed the rope to me. I stumbled at first, but Kali set me right. Then, to finish off, I tied a reef knot three times, feeling a sense of accomplishment.

‘Would you like some tea, Sadie?’ Mary asked as she put water on a small gas hob. It looked and felt so homely in here and I suddenly I felt Clara’s absence more fiercely again. As though what Kali and Mary had here was what Clara and I should have had.

‘I think I need some fresh air; it’s jolly hot in here.’ The reality was I wanted to throw up and I didn’t want to have to do it in Kali and Mary’s cosy shack. I stood up. ‘We must do some more soon.’

I took myself out of the cabin and walked across the way to my own hut.

The rain pelted at my face, and the sound of the storm above my head whirred like a helicopter.

I tried to suck in as much air as I could on the way to try and settle my gut. I knew I should rest and do what everyone else was doing, which was pretty much nothing, but I had a desire to see where they had burnt Clara. Perhaps it would bring me some closure. I glanced around to see if anyone was watching me before I headed off through the trees to the back beach.

I found myself looking out to the Pacific Ocean as the storm raged on around me. I had a sudden desire for a primal scream, but it would only attract attention so I kicked furiously at the sand, picked up some stones and threw them as hard as I could into the ocean; however, it would not shift the feeling that was creeping through my veins. Rage was not the sort of feeling I knew how to deal with, let alone when I was on a small remote island with people I had only known for a few weeks. Most things about Totini were pretty good. Why couldn’t I just focus on them? I couldn’t risk losing my mind, not this soon. I knew I would need to find a way to release my anger and the frustration that was slowly building up inside me. Or I could do something that I might regret.

26

NOW

‘You understand why you are here, don’t you, Sadie?’ Dr Bhaduri asks. The question sounds familiar. Had he asked me that before?

I try to work out what I am supposed to say.

‘Is this how we open each of our sessions?’ I ask him. ‘With you asking me if I know why I am here.’

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