Page 41 of The Beach Holiday

I shook my head. ‘I have no idea what you mean, Kali. All I know is that I’m aware of what is going on now. I didn’t know before, but now Avril has told me all about the men.’

‘Okay, I’m sure she did,’ she said, the tone of her voice revealing she was determined to try and find fault with me, in order not to like me. I got it; I was the new girl. Not all women were comfortable with someone stepping into their arena. Perhaps Kali had been lining herself up to be Avril’s right-hand woman. Another image of Clara, the spear through her foot. Had Clara been in Kali’s way? Is that why she ended up hurt? I edged away from the shelves. Was I headed the same way? Is that what happened to people here when they crossed an invisible line? I headed back to the fire to continue cooking. But this time, along with Clara’s face was Ula’s and a faceless woman. Deny.

You need to surrender yourself for a piece of paradise.

What if that piece meant that you never got your whole self back, or worse, you didn’t make it out alive?

I left the food simmering on the stove and went to fetch some water. The tank was situated at the back of the kitchen and stores. I pressed the tap down and began filling my water bottle.

Something hit me on the back. I jumped up and swung around, doing a full 360-degree turn. The water was spilling out everywhere.

‘Shit, shit.’ I turned it off, already so conscious of waste.

What the hell was that?

Then I heard it, a loud giggle. I turned to my right and saw his face in amongst the foliage. He was smiling. Laughing. He was laughing at me. Adi, the little feral child, was laughing at me.

‘Hi, Adi,’ I shouted over the rain, hoping he would come forward. I didn’t want him to fear me anymore. In some ways, I needed him more than ever. That pure innocence of a child could help me heal and distract me from all the things I had yet to understand or process.

I wasn’t sure if he understood a word I said but he turned and scooted off into the depths of the woods. I wondered once again why no one spoke of Adi. I thought often of who his mother might be and if he was receiving enough care. I wished he would stay around longer and I contemplated how I might coax him to me next time.

I returned to my cooking in silence, images of the men now infused in the cocktail of images in my mind along with Adi, Ula, Clara and Deny.

In such a short space of time, Totini Island had revealed so much to me. The tropical paradise I had arrived on was now a myriad of death, depression and captivity.

How was I expected to thrive amongst that? It was the very opposite of what Totini appeared to offer when I first arrived. Yet twenty-nine other women seemed to be doing it, even though I could see and feel their anger. Was that because the men were so close to us?

I knew I could not be both – someone who condoned the captivity of men who had apparently not stood trial for their apparent crimes and someone who was living in the moment and healing from her past. Avril seemed to have some almighty faith in my capabilities, but I could already see beyond all of her words and praise. I could feel something much more intense and real. I could sense danger.

30

NOW

I have begun to repeat to myself over and over that I am in a psychiatric unit. It had been written down several times for me, but now, the chanting in my mind has begun. It is becoming part of a daily mantra. I am in a psychiatric unit.

They must know all about the pictures I have drawn and what they mean. Maybe we’ve had that conversation already, and I just can’t remember. I can see the images in my mind, the wardrobe stacked with drawings.

By the time I am due to have my next session with Dr Bhaduri, I am terrified this is it. I am going to be arrested for my crimes. I have gotten away with it for too long.

I sit down on my usual chair, slightly to the right of Dr Bhaduri’s, and wait for him to begin. Each week it is different. Today I can tell he has something important he needs to say. Why don’t I get rid of all the drawings? Why did I stack them inthe wardrobe? That was not the right thing to have done. I look around the room in case someone else had slipped in unnoticed and they are about to arrest me. But the atmosphere is as calm as it is each time I have been here.

Dr Bhaduri clears his throat and begins speaking.

‘Following on from last week’s session where we explained to you, again, where you were, there have been some uncoverings regarding your friend.’

I feel my heart thud in my chest. It is all over, my time here, nestled amongst others who had forgotten, who are lost in their minds. This was the beginning of the end for me. I couldn’t have done something so terrible and remained living in such comfortable conditions.

‘Sadie, while in the care of your parents, you spoke of nothing except your missing friend, Avril. Your parents had never met Avril before. So there have been several checks run on one Avril Quinn, and several checks run under different variations of the name. We haven’t been able to link her to any social media accounts. You claim you had been living on an island with this woman. We’ve assisted the investigation into this woman who you claim was the leader of a commune, and we can conclude it has come back unsuccessful. There is no record of any woman, meaning that your friend, whom you say you were living with and were very close with, may never have even existed.’

31

THEN

The storm had turned the whole island inside out. We had managed to sort the camp but everywhere else I looked evidence of the force of the weather was all around. Avril was up and around me early the next morning after the big revelation of the male prisoners.

‘Are you okay?’ she asked tentatively.

‘I’m fine,’ I said, trying to add some colour to my voice. Trying not to let a note of doubt slip from my lips. I needed time to think, to assess what was going on here, and I didn’t want to alarm Avril. I didn’t need her to think I had doubts. I also didn’t want to end up with my name on a stone or burned and forgotten about.

---