Page 5 of The Beach Holiday

‘Yes, yes, I guess.’ I look back at the cow. It is happily munching the grass, not bleeding to death.

My heart rate slows. It’s not the first time that has happened, I remind myself.

Jane’s smile is so comforting. It has been hard to know what to believe recently. My mind plays tricks on me, and the dreams are so vivid sometimes I question whether I am conscious or asleep.

‘How are you feeling today, Sadie?’ she asks after a period of silence.

I take a deep breath and a moment to think about her question. It feels as if I’ve had a lot of time to think these days, yet sometimes there is nothing there. I seem to have everything Ineed around me: a roof over my head and food to eat. All in all, I am not sure how I am feeling, so I try to focus on the present moment, not daring to mention the things I see from time to time, like the cow just now.

‘I feel content enough,’ I say, because being with Jane feels better than being alone. Jane smiles back at me as though she is sharing a secret with herself.

We sit in companionable silence. I have been meeting here with Jane for three weeks and seeing Dr Bhaduri for three weeks. There is no reason to think about anything else than what is going on right now.

I look at Jane and smile to give her the impression that things are just fine.

I know what Jane and Dr Bhaduri want to hear.

I just have to decide when I am going to tell them everything.

4

THEN

I arrived fifteen minutes earlier than the time Avril had said to meet last night. I left Dana at the market at lunchtime, our parting words to one another to meet at the dock by 12.45.

‘Will you be there?’ I asked, and she said something back in broken Polish; words she had only ever saved to use with friends from her own country perforated her usually impeccable English. But she had been smiling, and so I had been reassured. Of course, she was going to be here. Why wouldn’t she? It was such a great opportunity. But the minutes inched forward, and before long, I found myself staring at a path that Dana wasn’t walking down. I thought back to her parting words to me that morning. Words that I now knew were doubts. That smile had been her way of appeasing me. She was never going to come.

I turned and faced the small dock again. This time, I spotted Avril standing at the edge of the water, her face bright as she chatted to the skipper and pointed to a boat big enough to seat ten. I looked back at the path hoping to see Dana so I wouldn’t have to do this alone. I could still leave; I didn’t need to go. But when I turned back, Avril was looking my way, waving me over; she looked happy I was there. I took a deep breath, and blew it out. I pushed my rucksack onto my shoulder, kicked off my sandals, picked them up, and padded across the sand.

‘I knew you’d come!’ she said cheerfully, holding her arms out.

‘Oh.’ I moved towards her, and she fully embraced me, letting out a long breath. Her scent was a mixture of coconut and spices, with an undertone of body odour – a scent I had become accustomed to smelling wherever I went. No one could escape it in this heat.

‘I just knew you’d come,’ she said again.

‘How did you know?’ I asked as she helped me into the boat.

‘I just did. I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing. You struck me as someone who needed to be here today.’

I suddenly wanted to open up and tell Avril everything about Bruno and how he had been in the end. About how I was here because he wasn’t and because I wanted to get as far away as possible from him and the people who reminded me of him, and I had chosen Fiji for that reason. Everything else I was making up as I went along, including getting on a boat and heading across the South Pacific Ocean to get to an island with a woman I had just met. But something about it felt right because it wasn’t all set in stone and planned out how Bruno had tried to control our lives, or by telling methat travelling was immature. And that was what I needed. Chances and opportunities.

There were others already on the boat and I smiled nervously at the man to my left as I sat down next to him. Avril sat on the other side of me, her chin pressed into her hand as she stared to her right, towards the horizon.

‘Relax,’ Avril whispered without looking at me.

I attempted to smile at her and trick my body into feeling relaxed, but it was an amalgamation of fizzing energy and gut-churning nerves. I had no idea what to expect, and as Dana was a no-show, I felt the vulnerability seeping in. Why didn’t Dana come? Why did I decide to come alone? I didn’t know Avril and I had no idea where this island was.

My mind was awash with images of my new home. Would there be other people there? What would they look like? The boat engine started up and it was loud. Suddenly, I had a hundred things in my head I wanted to say to Avril – questions about the trip, the island we were heading to – but I knew trying for a conversation over the rickety sound of the old boat engine would be futile. I had been trying to be spontaneous. But maybe I was pushing my luck too far this time. Just getting away to Fiji was a huge step and now this. Was I trying to be someone else? And was I that person she so clearly saw in me? Someone who was ready to take control of her life?

The boat began to move, slowly at first, picking its way through the maze of moored boats, some of which had seen better days and looked as though they would surely only survive one more storm. Young Fijian children swam in the murky shallows, waving and whooping at us. Then as we began topick up speed I let out a long breath, which I felt I had been holding since I boarded the boat. Avril didn’t move again for another fifteen or so minutes. She just stared intently at the horizon. I wondered what she was thinking.

What was I thinking? I had just upped and left my nice little apartment and job and it was unlikely I’d have either to return to. I wondered what Dana was doing now. Was she thinking about me? Regretting not coming? I felt a pang of regret that I was leaving behind what little I had – who knew what I would have on the island.

Avril turned and looked at me. ‘You okay?’ she called over the noise. I wondered if we would even make it at this rate; I was sure the engine would give out any minute. Water sprayed up the edges of the boat, the odd droplet landing on my face, and there was a cool breeze now we were far enough away from land. I had been trying not to think how I was feeling until now but as we got further away from the mainland, I realised I was scared and unsure whether I had done the right thing, but I refrained from telling Avril. Avril, who seemed so cool and relaxed.

‘I’m good,’ I said, then I gulped hard, which must have given away how I was truly feeling as Avril cast her eyes over me.

‘We’ll be there in about forty minutes.’

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