Page 8 of The Beach Holiday

‘Yes, one more.’

I then thought back to what Avril had said that afternoon in the bar in Nadi. She had said it was a boat ride away. I was sure of it. I couldn’t help but wonder why she would have not fully explained how far away the island was.

‘And once we’re there, you can relax, have something to drink, get settled in your accommodation.’

I liked the sound of the accommodation. But I was unsure of getting inside a helicopter with three women I barely knew and moving out into the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I had no idea what to expect but surely there would be little in the way of communication and certainly no Wi-Fi.

All I knew was that I was going to be grateful when I did arrive and that I would make sure that I was showing gratitude. Avril was, so far, a bit of an enigma. But I had taken the chance. I had put my trust in her. I just needed to have faith. Because I was getting further and further away from anywhere I could call home or civilisation as I knew it.

6

NOW

I know it’s lunchtime, and that I should be hungry but I’m not. I look at the plate of vegetables in front of me. They are earthy and red and as they hit my stomach I feel my mouth fill with saliva. I think I might be sick. I take a long drink of water, leave the plate where it is and find my way back to my bed. The bedroom is cool. There is a fan on. Did I put that on before I left the room? I can’t remember. I lie down on the bed and the sound of the fan is so familiar. I’ve done this before: lain in a hot room with a fan whirring loudly until it lulled me into a melodic state, drunk on heat, unable to move from the humidity. The images swirl around in my mind, and I push them away. Not today.

I find a stray piece of cotton on the bedsheet and play with it until it begins to burn at my fingers. I look at the sheets; they seem so unfamiliar.

A bell trills loudly around me. A doorbell? I should get up to answer it. It rings again. I feel so tired. I stay still and hope that whoever is there will go away and leave me alone. I only want to speak to two people: Jane and Dr Bhaduri.

I doze off and when I open my eyes a man stands at the side of my bed.

‘Sadie,’ he says and his voice is close by and far away at the same time. I try to reach out and touch the tattoo on his arm and he fades to nothing. I sit up, grasping around at the space where he had been. I was not supposed to see that man’s face ever again. Yet here he is, creeping into my subconscious, coming to me when I am at my most vulnerable when I am sleeping.

I want to see Jane again, but it was only yesterday I saw her. I must wait one whole week until she and I can meet at our usual spot. How on earth shall I fill my time until then? Eating. Sleeping. Thinking.

I pick up the paper pad that I keep next to the bed. I let my pen wander across the page, pressing lightly at first, and then slowly, I gain traction until I find I am scribbling, and the pen is pressing hard into the paper as it speeds across the page. Before I know it, I’ve ripped the page from the book and thrown it on the floor. I start again with another page and another until a dozen pages later, the pen flies across the room and lands amongst the discarded pages. I look at them and what they hold. I jump up, disgusted with myself. I quickly gather them up in my arms, open the wardrobe, and put them inside, on top of a pile that will soon reach my stomach. I slam the wardrobe, out of sight, out of mind. But Dr Bhaduri wants to know what I know.

Terror clutches at my throat, and I try to breathe deeply, but to no avail. I have done something so dreadful, that not even I have the words for it.

7

THEN

I stepped inside the helicopter, knowing this was my first time but not wanting to draw attention to that fact. I eyed the other three carefully and managed to smile and look comfortable on cue. But there was a part of me that wondered if this was real. Or had I just suddenly found myself in a reality TV drama? Perhaps this was a game, a challenge I had to endure.

I was surprised to see it was a woman who was about to fly us to Totini; then why wouldn’t it be? Avril greeted her at the front, and the two of them talked for a few moments in hushed tones. The woman was dressed semi-smartly in a white shirt and khaki trousers. She donned a large head set and was relaying some important information, and Avril was listening intently and replying with short answers. Avril then squeezed her shoulder and sat down opposite Kali and me.

Kali looked at me. I thought her expression might break into a smile, but it didn’t. She looked away after a second, and I realised she was assessing me.

The heli took off as my stomach dropped and then flew back up. Avril caught my eye and I smiled through gritted teeth.

We flew over a vast expanse of water, and I tried to spot land, but there seemed to be none in sight.

I ignored the tightening in my chest – a pang of claustrophobia with a sprinkling of agoraphobia as I looked at the vast ocean surrounding us and the four unfamiliar women I was now travelling with. I was now so far away from home and had no real quick or easy way to get back. I began to wonder back to the days before I left England for Fiji and I reminded myself why I had left. No matter how much I tried to assure myself this was all good, that I was okay, that this bizarre situation I had suddenly leapt into and was now right in the middle of, was okay, I realised I was only here because of one person and that was Bruno. His behaviour and his actions had been the catalyst to my booking the flight without a moment’s thought. Of course, Fiji and Australia and exotic places had been on my radar, and I had imagined that one day I would travel to see them, but not under those circumstances.

And then I began to wonder if this was all part of the plan; the big cosmos, the universe, had already mapped out my exit from this world. It happened all the time. I read once of someone who had survived a near-fatal acid attack and recovered, only to get cancer. I had run away from an abusive relationship only to die in a helicopter somewhere over the South Pacific Ocean.

I must have been far away with my thoughts as I hadn’t noticed land coming into sight until Avril patted my knee and jerked her finger out of the window at a tiny yellow and green spec in the distance. I felt a flutter in my stomach, something halfway between fear and gratitude. Maybe not today. Maybe I wouldn’t die today.

The first thing I noticed about Totini when I stepped out of the helicopter and onto the tiny landing pad, and after a minute or two had passed so that the helicopter engine had cooled enough, was the silence. It burned my ears it was so loud. I had never been anywhere as silent... And it was as if Avril, Mary and Kali knew this too. They barely moved as though they were giving me a few minutes to adjust and to soak in the stillness. Eventually, I dared to speak.

‘Wow.’

They all looked at me at the same time and smiled.

‘It should be called that, right?’ Mary laughed. I looked at Kali and noticed she was staring again.

‘The silence,’ I said. ‘It’s hurting my ears,’ I gushed.

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