Page 102 of Ace My Heart

We crested a hill, and there was the funeral spread out on the other side. There were hundreds upon hundreds of people there. School kids in their uniforms stood out the most for me. Well, almost. It was the little pack of kids with beanies covering their bald heads, looking pale and drawn to one side, under the watchful eye of their parents and medical staff that really caught my eye. I wondered morbidly which one of them would be next.

There weren’t really any seats, except for some for the family down at the front, circled around the distressingly tiny, bright pink coffin. People were either sitting on the grassy verge or standing. We stood towards the back. Joel relinquished his hold on my shoulders, only to wind his fingers through mine. I let him.

I needed to talk myselfoutof this stupid attraction to the smug, crass, sleazy, funny, stunningly gorgeous, strangely deep, intensely frustrating, confusing, contradictory man who was currently holding my hand.

I didn’t need to be attracted to him. Ireallydidn’t need it. I just had to convince myself that I didn’twantit either.

The secular celebrant began the service with some words about Natalie. I’d never been to an Atheist funeral before. I found the notion that this was our one life at once strangely cathartic and terribly depressing. If this was Natalie’s only chance to live, if there was no eternal life, then what sort of cruel world did we live in?

“Natalie knew that there was a good chance her life wouldn’t bea long one, but she never let that thought get her down. She enjoyed the things within her grasp to the fullest. Her love of reading and writing, and of course, tennis,” the celebrant said, and I bit my lip against the sudden tremor that thrummed through me.

I’d never get to play that game of tennis with Natalie. I’d never get to see the joy on her face that would have brought.

It made me wonder what thingsIhadn’t done on this earth that I should do, just in case the Atheists were right, and we only got this one chance at finding joy in what we hadnow.

One thing forcefully sprang into my head, and I glanced up from under my lashes at the object of my sudden thought. He must have felt my gaze because he met my eyes. The wind whooshed through again, blowing my hair all around me.

Before I could scoop it out of my face, Joel’s hand swooped in and with gentle fingers he brushed it off my cheek and tucked it away behind my ear. His thumb lingered on my cheekbone just a tad longer than was really necessary. His eyes were cautious as they met mine, and he tucked his bottom lip between his teeth, like that would hold in something that was clamouring to get out of him.

I turned away, focusing as best I could on the rest of the ceremony. When the celebrant finished and the crowds started to shift away, I turned to Joel and indicated with a jab of my head that I wanted to go see Natalie’s dad, Frederick.

There were a lot of people around him, but when he saw me, he pushed his way through the mourners towards us. His eyes were red-rimmed, but he was composed.

“Thank you so much for coming, Mel. It was one of the last things that Natalie asked me, before she went.”

I pushed aside my shock. “I’m truly sorry. Natalie was a beautiful little girl, and I wish I could have gotten to know her better.” My eyes prickled, but I really didn’t want to cry. What right did I have to cry, when her own father was here, dry eyed?

“She talked about you a lot towards the end. The one thing she was really cranky about was that she never got to play that game with you.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “She knew? That she was …” Ifelt horrible asking, but it just seemed surreal to me, that a child could know that she was dying and accept that fact.

Frederick nodded. “She was the one who told me I had to let her go. She was trying to hold on to watch you play at Wimbledon, but it wasn’t meant to be. She kept saying that she had a good feeling about Wimbledon for you.”

He looked back towards the coffin briefly, then turned back to us. “I hope you don’t mind – all she wanted in the coffin with her was the racquet you gave her. She said that at least then she’d feel like she got to play with you.”

I lost it then, totally and completely. The prickling became a burning, and the tears were flooding down my face like a torrent. I let Joel pull me close to him.

“Mel’s really honoured that Natalie thought so highly of her. We’ve got a good feeling about Wimbledon too, and I’m sure that Mel will do everything she can to do Natalie proud,” Joel replied. I felt him reach out and shake Frederick’s hand – I couldn’t really see it through the blur of tears.

“Mel and I have made a donation to the hospital,” Joel added. “We hope it makes a difference.”

“I’m sure it will,” Frederick said. “Thank you so much!”

As Joel drew me away from the crowd, I let the tears take over completely. He pulled me against his chest and I sobbed onto his black shirt. The air was so icy, my tears made the fabric cold almost immediately.

Joel’s hands moved up and down against my back rhythmically, until I was semi-calm. I didn’t move my face from his chest though. It felt too nice, too comforting to be enveloped in his arms.

“I’m sorry I cried on your shirt again,” I mumbled. I felt Joel’s chest shake with … what? Tears? Laughter?

“I told you my shirts are always at your service for all tear-soaking purposes.”

“Mel,” a familiar voice said behind me. I hid against Joel’s chest, wiping at my streaming eyes.

“Hi, Brad,” Joel greeted him warily.

I turned and gave him a watery smile. “Hi,” I replied bashfully. Ifelt kind of weird seeing him so soon after what had happened last night. He held his arms out as if he expected Joel to pass me over to him.

Joel started to release me with a little sigh of resignation. Something snapped in my brain. I clung to his waist and he pulled me back against him.

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