Page 35 of Ace My Heart

Sandra totally knew what I was referring to, but I still felt a hot flash of mortification discussing it while she was in earshot.

“Whatever happens, Mel, know that we are all here to support each other,” Sandra said. “You’re family. And we Herbert’s stick together.”

My eyes overflowed at Sandra’s words, and I frantically swiped at the tears with the back of my hand. It was too early to start with the waterworks – I had the whole funeral to get through yet.

Sure enough, when we parked on the street not far from the church, we could already make out a wall of cameras outside. Joel and I shared a meaningful glance. We couldn’t let them derail today with questions about me and Pete Levine. And wedefinitelycouldn’t let them get anywhere near Sandra.

I bit my top lip and together we got out of the car. It only took one of them shouting, “Mel! Melanie Black!” and they were all converging on us.

“Head down, don’t react,” Joel muttered in my ear as he gripped my elbow and, tucking his mother under his other arm, we stepped into the fray.

“Mel, are you and Pete Levine an item now?”

“How many times have you slept together?”

“Any plans for a sequel?”

Joel’s fingers were almost bruising as he parted the sea of vultures like Moses. I watched the ground, face on fire. Wanting to scream at all of them that none of this should ever have been any of their business, but the lump in my throat wouldn’t subside. My eyes burned.

Finally, we breached the doorway. No media was allowed inside.

“Breathe, Stinky,” Joel reminded me as we walked towards the front of the church, Sandra stopping to greet and hug people. Joel kept hold of my arm.

Dianne and the kids were already there, sitting in the second row. A tall, handsome man with a strong jaw, dark hair, and eyes like Joel’s was seated in the front row, and he stood to envelope Sandra in a hug.

“That’s my Uncle Ben,” Joel explained as he steered me to a seat in the same pew. “He just flew in from the Middle East.”

The man hugging Sandra looked nothing like how I’d imagined Joel’s uncle. He and Joel looked more like brothers – the family similarity was striking, more striking than it had been between Joel and Steve.

Joel clocked my bewildered expression and chuckled humourlessly. “He’s alotyounger than Dad.”

I fidgeted in my seat, listening to the low hum of voices behind us. I dreaded to think what they were saying.

“I don’t …” I mumbled, starting to rise, to move further back, but Joel cut me off.

“You heard what Mum said in the car, Stinky. You’re family. You sit here with us.” He still had his sunglasses on. Without thinking I reached out and took them off his face, folding the arms and sticking them in my handbag. His mouth twitched, but neither of us had the energy for a proper smile.

The priest took his place at the pulpit and my heart rate kicked up a notch. I’d managed to keep my eyes off the dark wooden casket in the middle of the room, until now. It loomed bigger than ever into my vision.

Bulging eyes.

Blood.

Gaping mouth.

My fingernails bit into my palm and I turned away from the coffin, trying to get my blurry eyes to focus instead on the smiling photo of Steve set up among an array of yellow and pink flowers.

Joel’s fingers gently untangled the fist I’d made, and placed my hand palm down on my leg, giving it a quick pat.

Ben was called up to deliver the eulogy. I tried to focus as he began to speak, but I felt Joel’s warm shoulder shaking against mine.

He was crying. Oh fuck.

My eyes prickled, the lump in my throat, which felt like it had been there since the morning this all happened, thickened and hardened and became something truly painful.

I reached across and grabbed his hand, squeezing, leaning my head against his shoulder. He drove me crazy most of the time, but right now he needed a friend. Right now, I could be that friend.

“Steve and Sandra had one of the best marriages I have ever known,” Ben continued, his voice quavering. “The love they have for each other will continue on even now that Steve is with God. Sandra, I know that Steve is up there, waiting patiently for the time when you’ll join him again. One day I hope that I find someone who I can love the way Steve loved you.”

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