Page 13 of Bed of Roses

I sat, looking at my hands. This was so much worse than I thought.

“I have a lot to think about, I know. I’m sorry for disappointing you and I’m sorry for hurting Haz so much. And I’m so grateful to you for letting me stay. I just …” I trailed off. I was going to cry.

Mick softened. “Sort yourself out. Take some time to go over it in your head. Where did it start? When did you cross the line? And why? And for fuck’s sake, block the bunny boiler!”

I should have blocked her, but I did worry about something happening with Colin. I said as much to Mick, and he responded with “911 is pretty resourced these days.” I opened my phone and blocked her contact. She hadn’t tried to communicate with me since our last exchange, so I was pretty sure she wouldn’t try to contact me anyway.

Chapter 11. Harriet – The fallout

It had been three weeks since I’d last seen Blake. Actually, that’s not true. He drove past all the time, but we didn’t speak, and I didn’t acknowledge his presence. His mom called me last week after I failed to show up for dinner. Blake must have told her everything because she was so upset and apologetic. I told her she didn’t need to apologize. She’d laughed through her tears and said “I birthed that idiot. I have a small degree of accountability.” We chatted about the pregnancy, and she offered to come and stay with me, but that felt weird. I had Sean and Belle, and my boss Eliza had been amazing. I’d given her a very vague outline of the past few months, and she’d patted my hand and offered to help in any way she could.

Jacqui had dropped off a few meals and offered Leo to help with any maintenance, but I knew he had a bad back, and Blake had been doing those things anyway. The whole interaction had been unsettling.

“Let me know if we can do anything. I remember being pregnant with Ben and I was an emotional, tired mess. Even with Leo around.”

“Thanks Jacqui. It’s just a bad patch. I’m not sure when Blake will be back but he’s still helping out.”

“Bad patch, huh? Well, you know I’m here,” she said determinedly.

“What do you know, Jacqui?” I asked. I wasn’t pussyfooting around with anyone lately. Jacqui was nice but I wasn’t keen for my business to be anyone else’s business.

“Rose told us what happened. And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe a word. And if it’s true, Blake is an asshole.”

“What did Rose tell you?”

“That she and Blake were in love but playing it cool until you two sorted out the house,” Jacqui said, looking disgusted.“Honestly, with the time that man’s been hanging around and all the secondhand flowers you give me, I know that’s not true. She’s a viper, that one. I told Leo to stay the hell away from her.”

“Unless Blake is lying, she’s tried her best, but he’s not interested. I hate all of this. This gossip, this feeling of not knowing.”

“We’re not gossiping, I promise. If anything ever comes up with the other neighbors, I’ll shut it down. I’m sure this will all settle. Colin is a sick man, and he really should be in care at this point. You just need a fresh start.”

We left it there. I’m sure Blake would love a fresh start. It reminded me of playing games with Sean when I was younger. I’d make a mistake or kick the ball wrong, and say, “Make it that wasn’t in it,” and I’d ask for a redo. Sean would humor me and let me do it, but we were children. Grown adults don’t get that chance. You can’t move your checker back and make a different move; you can’t undo hurt and betrayal. You could pretend, but it would always be there.

I knew I had to speak to him soon. I was approaching 30 weeks, which meant it could be just six or seven weeks before the baby was born. I’d spoken to my midwife Cathy about everything, and she was so kind and understanding. I wasn’t sure if I’d want Blake with me at the birth. He was the father, but he also put me on edge. I saw him and felt instantly uncomfortable and just plain sad. Could I spend hours with him when I was at my most vulnerable? Belle had agreed to be my partner if it came to that. Sean had offered too, but I wasn’t convinced my brother would be the best person to support me during birth. He struggled to deal with me when I was in pain. I think it reminded him of our childhood.

Cathy told me that there was no rush to make a decision but urged me to think about things because leaving myself inlimbo might just prolong my pain. All I could think was that I wanted a separation. I don’t want to think about divorce just yet. Sometimes, I let myself fall into a pattern of thinking where I let myself wonder if I was overreacting. I don’t think I was. It’s not like my reactions were designed to hurt or get back at Blake. I just didn’t want to see him, so I didn’t. But I did know we couldn’t keep on like this.

Me: We need to talk. Are you free tonight after dinner?

Blake: Yes, for sure. I’m free. I’ll come at 8?

Me: Okay.

Blake: Thank you, Haz. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.

Blake knocked on the door at 7:55 pm and I let him into the living room. He sat anxiously on the edge of the sofa. He’d given up on flowers but set a bag of groceries on the coffee table. Cookies, chocolate, and other goodies were flowing out of the top.

“I’m so glad you messaged, Haz. I’ve been doing so much thinking, and I want to tell you that I am sorry. I see now what I did, and I know how much I hurt you. I was thinking we could do some couples counseling or something?”

“No.” I said, but my tone wasn’t sharp.

He looked at me in surprise.

“I’m trying here, Haz. I’ll do anything.”

“Blake, I’m in my third trimester of pregnancy. I’m working full time and living alone. I’m tired and emotional. Why should I go through counseling when I’ve done nothing wrong? What do I have to contribute other than having to go through all the horrible things you’ve made me feel and think? You want me to cut myself open to help heal you, but honestly, I don’t even know that I want to save us, so why should I go through that, especially when I’m spread so thin right now?”

A tear slid down his face.

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