Page 92 of Running With Lions

Sebastian says, urgently, “I care about him, but nothing’s going on.”Anymore. He shovels a pound of regret on top of that word.

Coach rocks in place, jarring Sebastian. He says, “O’Brien is convinced he’s gonna make a mean sweeper if he can keep his cool.”Emir’s biggest flaw. “Keep him in line.”

Sebastian sputters. His hands scrabble on the grass. He can barely keep his own feelings in check. What is Coach thinking? He squeaks, “Okay.” Coach peers at him, and the next few words nearly rip Sebastian’s jaw off trying to get out. “But what if—what if I’m kind of in love?”

“Kind of?”

Sebastian clenches his eyes shut. He’s lightheaded and obviously about to make a huge mistake. “I think I am.”

It’s the first time Sebastian’s said it out loud to anyone, including himself. He’s still figuring out his own definition of love. Shouldn’t you wake up wanting nothing more than your partner’s smile or affectionate eyes or fond voice?For such a sought-after emotion, love sure comes with a lot of answerless questions.

Sebastian hangs his head. “I’m supposed to lead this team, but I can’t even convince them tolikeEmir. I can’t tell them thatIlike Emir.” He glares at the smooshed grass near his cleats. “We talk about acceptance, but it’s different when you’re in the position of telling these guys how to be men.”

“You’re not teaching anyone about manhood,” Coach says. Then, in a calm, firm voice, “And you’re sure as hell more than just your sexuality to them.”

Sebastian ignores his irregular heartbeat. He focuses on Coach’s words and on the serene but serious expression on his face.

This is more than a speech.

“When Xander was kicked off—” Coach takes a long pause. He never talks about his nephew. “Xander’s so smart and a Patrick, which makes him a handsome squirt.”

Sebastian’s laugh vibrates deep in his chest.

Coach eyes the sunset. He always has a monologue or at least a quote in his back pocket for any occasion. But now he’s searching for something. “Things don’t rattle Xander. He knows who he is, always has. When he decides something, he does it because it’s in every bit of his soul.”

Prickly grass slips between Sebastian’s fingers as his hands roam the pitch. He’d kill for some of that certainty.

“He knew he was gay. It wasn’t a question or a decision,” says Coach. “And he didn’t hide it from my brother, his mom, or me.”

“Wow.”

Coach chuckles, wistful, and then he’s serious again. “He questioned himself when he was kicked off the team. He hid away. He didn’t want to be out and proud or even acknowledge his sexuality.” Coach sniffs, and Sebastian gives him privacy by not meeting his gaze. “For the first time, my nephew was unsurewhohe was.”

A familiar queasiness clenches Sebastian’s stomach. It’s warm, but a cold sweat is looming. He doesn’t know how Coach carries on.

“I should tell all of you more often why I make this team a safe place for anyone who’s considered different.”

“We know.”

Coach shakes his head. He’s talking about more than just Sebastian, more than Willie and Mason. It’s anyone who gets stamped with a label, who’s predicted to fail because of society’s rules, because of a stereotype.

“It isn’t easy being the one coach in the district who stands up for guys like Xander,” says Coach, chin lifted. “I don’t let one kid walk away from my team without a chance to be himself, whether it’s gay or bi or trans or whatever. I get shit too.”

Sebastian’s heard of the coaches who refuse to look Coach Patrick in the eye and the parents and faculty who call Coach “a supporter of sinners who’ll burn in hell.”

“I made a change, kid,” says Coach, sighing. “I wasn’t doing enough to make sure my nephew, or anyone, knows this life isn’t defined by who you fall in love with.”

Sebastian wants to fall on his back, stare at the darkening sky, and digest all this.You are not defined by who you love. It’s a slogan for a poster or a T-shirt, but, holy shit, it says so much. Sebastian can see, in vibrant Technicolor, the one thing that’s missing for him:respect. Not acceptance. Because that would mean Sebastian wants people toapproveof him. Of his affection for Emir. He’s not searching for that brand of recognition.

He wants people to respect him regardless of who he falls for.

“I do this for Xander. It’s the right thing to do.” Coach’s arm drops from around Sebastian’s shoulders. He reclines, hands supporting him, and says, “I’m not searching for sainthood. This is about people like you who need to know you’re much more than you realize.”

Sebastian rests his chin on his forearms. Coach is right. He doesn’t tell them often enough why he does this.

“How is Xander now?”

Coach smiles widely. “He has a boyfriend and is in public school. Top of his class, on the basketball team.” He chuckles. “I couldn’t get him to transfer to BHS, though.”

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