Page 105 of As You Walk On

She’s repressing a smirk I unabashedly show off for both of us.

That is, until she reminds Darren and me we still violated teamrules. While the others work out, we have to run three miles, which feels like a death sentence after just expending my best efforts defeating Jay. She’s not finished, though.

“You’ll be cleaning the team’s locker room too,” she adds, finally smiling. “For the next month.”

The groan Darren lets out is almost as loud as Coach’s warning whistle.

We’re barely starting our jog before Jay’s by our side.

He’s breathless like me, but still manages to spit, “Congrats! Once again, you’re the golden boy. Everyone’s fave.”

“Chill, bro,” Darren says.

Jay ignores him. “You have no idea what it’s like, do you?” He shakes his head at me. “The pressure I’m constantly under from my parents. To be perfect. To fix everything Jules fucks up. Toearnmy way into a school they approve of. They won’t even pay my tuition until I show them I’m exactly the kid they expected Jules to be.”

Frustrated tears sit on his blond eyelashes.

“All they see is a mess-up waiting to happen,” he heaves out. “All my mom talks about is how I’m not Theo, the golden child.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Why? It’s true!” He laughs wildly, wet trails streaking his cheeks. “You win at everything, and it doesn’t even matter to you. But Ineedthis, Theo. You don’t.”

A rebuttal waits in my throat. I want to remind him my pops is the same way. Of the conversations we’ve had over the years about this. The things that will never be handed to me like they are for him. Jay’s rich, white, a boy, and straight. He always has the advantage. He’ll never have to work as hard as me.

But what’s the point? He’s never seen the imbalance in our friendship. In who I am versus who he is. All the things Jay gave me were so he could take more later. We weren’t fully honest with each other about anything.

Jay wipes at his eyes, bottom lip trembling. “I always lose with you, Theo. Even when I win, I lose.” He sniffs hard.

The feeling’s mutual, then. I don’t hurl that at him like he does me. Instead, I whisper, “I’m done, Jay,” before jogging away.

Behind me, I hear some of the team mouthing off at Jay. Kavon leads the charge. The tiniest wave of relief rolls down my spine.

Maybe Darren’s not the only one who has my back.

•••

Darren and I run in silence. Our forms are similar. Breaths synchronized. I wonder if our thoughts are too. I doubt it.

My brain keeps returning to Jay. Our friendship was never like Darren’s and mine. It wasn’t homegrown, the roots planted by common interests and shared experiences. Our friendship stood on a foundation others built for us. Lived in a house we didn’t craft.

It belonged to our parents, not us.

“Hey,” Darren says between pants, “you never told me where you were during the party.”

I look at him questioningly.

“Iknowyou didn’t spend the whole night chasing Jay or...” He hesitates. “Christian.”

I should probably tell him I’m over that. There’s another boy I’m kind of stuck on, who most likely hates me by now.

“You really want to know?” I ask as we finish our second mile.

“Duh!” He rolls his eyes. “Best friend. Doing better. Remember?”

I snort, though it takes more effort than I’m willing to admit. My legs feel like jelly. A sharp ache I haven’t felt since my early days on the team moves through my calves.

Turns out one last lap is the perfect amount of time to unload my night with the others.

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